h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

On behalf of all insects, thank you, Sal. This is a fascinating and very well-written article. It looks to be ready for submission to me.

Gosh, thanks Amy!

I've only just spotted your message at the bottom of the article. What a lovely surprise! I feel quite cheerful now.

Hi StM,

What a terrific effort. Encore!!! Best wishes for a speedy 'approved' tag. If the powers that be give you any grief, me and Bran will pay them a visit if you know what I mean.

Walter

PS Adore your latest portrait, but I still think green is your best colour.

Oh hello Walter. How nice of you to pop over. I've just been chatting to you over at Wazungu's waterhole.

Glad you liked the article. I have to add some more information on brood distribution. I don't think I'll find time before next week. I have to work tomorrow (well, today actually - I see it's already Saturday).

Also glad you like my photo'. I think it's the biz! I may be an amphibian but I'm a red hot chilli pepper of an amphibian. I do like green too. Amy did the picture for me. She's definitely my favourite Ant!

I'll bear your kind offer of strong-arm tactics in mind. Thank you.

Speak to you later Walter.
Sal

I concur with Walter whole-heartedy, Sal ... a great article that is chock-a-block with information. I can see no reason why it would not be accepted as is - it answers everything that I could have thought to ask about cicadas. And, we shall strong-arm if need be!

Cheers
Bran.

I say! How really kind of you! I hardly dared hope that anyone would like it straight away, without a considerable amount of fiddling and adjustment, so when John-the-GURUdener wanted more info on brood distribution, I thought "fair enough". Actually, I felt gratified that someone liked it enough to want to know more.

Thanks Bran!

Bye for now.
Sal

Excellent article, magic even. It just flew by, like a swarm of periodic cicadas chased by hordes of ravennous synchronised fungi (yes, complete with fixed grins and noseclips).

You even got me off my metaphorical ass to go and find out more about xylem feeders at 5am. Get thee to the University man, go. My head is out of joint, O cursed teacher!

PS Don't go back to green, spare a thought for us poor short-sighted insects/snacks. Being camouflaged is just not cricket.

Thanks Wumbeevil! Just knew I could count on a weevil to appreciate how interesting bugs are. Did you find out anything interesting about xylem feeders at 5am?

I like the idea of synchronised fungi with fixed grins and noseclips. Do you suppose they also go in for those rubber hats with rubber flowers?

This Salamander's whatever colour Amy paints me. Red suits me fine. I'm not trying to creep up on my lunch. The moment my lunch hops or shows any other sign of motion for that matter, that's my appetite gone!

Yeah, cicada nymphs are the only known root xylem feeders in the world, so there's an opening for me if I ever decide on a change of habitat! They also seem to suffer similar problems to the phloem feeders, except that it's excess amino acids the nymphs secrete.

Well, I suppose you could say, that some mushroom species look like they should go in for the rubber hats in a big way, but I think I'll abandon that train of thought.

So the recipe for survival involves keeping moving? Do me a BIG fav and don't come near my work!

My "who's online" list has changed to traditional goo. I feel Amy may be involved in the scam. She admits she knocked over the birdie in the banner ad. She is a clever and busy Ant - always up to something.

Anyway, yes the xylem fluid is very low in nutrients apparently, it's mostly water and that's why the nymphs grow so slowly. Are weevils phloem feeders?

I catch your drift on the mushroom front. Nuff said.

If you feel your level of activity at work is dangerously low, just twitch now and then. That would be more than enough to distinguish you from what I regard as food.

Amy stole the dear departed pigeon's phone as well if I remember right. Here's me thinking that ants communicated chemically. Ah well that's progress for you. I suppose after stealing the phone and doing away withe the pigeon they'll make a film about her and call it Thoroughly Modern Militant?

Sorree! Don't know what brought that on. Maybe it was something to do with having to find out what my diet consisted of! I didn't know Weevils were so widespread There are so many genera to pick from, that we seem to eat almost anything, which sounds about right. The only consensus seems to be that we're pests, which also sounds about right. Mainly the adults chew lumps out of the leaf margins, whilst the larvae either eat the roots or eat round fresh shoots/leaders - apparently the plants (and growers) don't appreciate either approach.

There's someone disagrees with that theory about slow-growth, but isn't there always?

Hmm, 2.30am and I've got to twitch at work tomorrow? Does REM count?

I didn't know Amy had also appropriated the 'phone. Honestly, she is a one! Naughty but nice.

Oh yes, of course. I get vine weevils chomping at my fuchsia roots and begonia corms while a much smaller weevil munches through dry food in my cupboard like rice and lentils. They do have pointy little faces. I hadn't looked that carefully but I have the impression of an animal with a stabby (rather than munchy) looking mouth. I haven't seen any of the dry food munchers for over 10 years but I have an ongoing battle with the vine weevils.

You're right about the lack of agreement on the low-nutrition/slow-growth theory, because not all cicadas have long life cycles. Glad I didn't mention it in the article. I really wanted to describe the amazing periodic cicadas, but I thought I should start by giving a general description of cicadas before getting into the unusual things that I felt lots of people might find interesting.

You know I was casting about for a subject for my first entry and I hit on bimbobabble initially? Well I was telling Amy about this incredible little mite described by Richard Dawkins. He said a "Species of tiny mite are specialized to ride at a precise location on the inside of the pincer-like mandibles of a particular cast of army ant worker. Another species of mite is specialized to ride on the first joint of one antenna of an army ant. Each of these mites is shaped to fit its precise habitat, as a key fits a lock." Wow, isn't evolution amazing?

Anyway, it suddenly occurred to me that strange survival strategies fascinate me to bits and I knew of quite a few because those are the sort of things that take root in my mind. I thought, right, that's it then, I'll research all the wacky animals and plants I know of and write guide entries about them. I've been trying to find stuff on cuckoos, about which there are some very interesting oddities, but I can't find any material on the net. Currently, I'm looking at bacteriophages. I was going to do honeypot ants, but then I thought Amy might like to do that one, so I suggested it to her. There are quite a few of these peculiar life stories so it could keep me occupied for ages.

REM might count if I happen to notice the movement. As you know, I'm a vegetarian, so your big mistake would be to imitate a vegetable. Obviously, the more animate you are the less vegetable-like.

I've just been over to Amy's page and the picture of her holding the evidence is still there, altho she appears to have withdrawn her confession as to how she obtained the phone! Did the Flying Squad use fowl tactics to eggstract the confession Amy? Did they wingbeat it out of you?

I found rice weevils on my travels, but didn't come across the Begoniamunchus fuchsialso which is restricted to one garden in rural England. Every weevil pic I found did have a very long snout, but curiously every pic of damage inflicted by adult weevils was of well chewed leaves. I'm having a really hard time resisting the temptation to go and find out what use this snout is put to, tho I think I can guess in the case of my own species! Damn you, you Ken Livingstone fancier you, I'm gonna have to find out!

Here's what Britannica has to say about the general subject of weevil snouts, "Most weevils have long, elbowed antennae that may fold into special grooves on the prominent snout, which has mouthparts at its end." It's also used for boring before laying eggs. I guess I should thank you now, as I may have found a long lost relative - apparently there are nut weevils out there!

I bet you've got Amy scratching her antennae now. Imagine a security chief and Prime Minister being bugged. If the ants ever get round to adopting new digital antennae, there'll be a lot of mites living in cardboard boxes and selling copies of The Small Issue.

Whatever you decide for your next topic, don't pick weevils, we're the largest family in the animal kingdom, and your head will explode due to data overload. Your mention of phages is bringing back bad memories of genetics, the only interesting thing I found about which was the similarity to computer programs (shows you how exciting I found it). You've now got me wondering about a weird little creature that a lecturer used to study, it lived in gutters and amongst moss, and I'm pretty sure it began with a 'T' (so rule that letter out!). I think there were about only two experts on them in the whole of the UK, so there's definitely an opening there. You realise I'm now gonna have to try and track down this guy on the web in an attempt to get the name of these things?! So much for my research into bookmarking every weird site on the web.

Isn't there something unique to Salamanders? I'm having vague memories of gills for some reason.

Yeah, that was a pretty feeble attempt at revenge.

No, you're wrong about the fuchsia and begonia munching weevils. I would expect you to stick up for them but I have witnesses who would stand up in a court of law and display their own jam jar full of vine weevils. We all have to evict scores of them every spring. They ruin our plants and never offer a penny in rent. Cute though. I like the idea of fold-away antennae.

Amy says she employs lice to keep her free of mites. Poor little mites. Millions of years of adaptation just to be slung out by a bunch of lice.

If I did weevils I'd focus on one particularly interesting type rather than get bogged down with the whole family. Cicadas are reckoned to have about 2,500 members in the family but I just wanted to concentrate on the periodicals. It's a mistake to bite off more than you can chew. When I'm ready to do phages, I'll just do the interesting stuff. It's funny you should mention tardigrades because I told Amy some time about mid-September that I intended to do tardigrades and rotifers. Thanks for the water-bear site. All contributions to my efforts are gratefully received. It took me several attempts to pick up my e-mails. Supanet seems to get more and more reluctant to let go of them.

I suppose I ought to find out about Salamanders since I put you to the trouble of finding out about weevils. We're supposed to live in fire but who ever put that daft rumour about must've been on something and/or had a very gullible audience.