h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I do:

What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis
How do you kill a circus troup?
Go for the juggler
What game do you play with a wombat?
Wom.

Sometimes I surprise even myself

I didn´t get the one about the juggler

Juggler. Like jugular, you know?

How do you make a cat go woof?
Petrol and matches.

What's got four legs and goes woof?
Piper Alpha

What's green, has six legs and is dangerous if it falls out of a tree on you?
A billiard table.

What do you call a dog with five pricks?

Mariah Carey and Westlife
(A friend sent me this one)

I prefer...

Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkled?

If they were small, round and white they'd be aspirins

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's yellow and falls out of trees?

Monkey sick

This post has been removed.

Exercise


Exercise Diary: For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!!

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there were any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam or gum surgery.

My favourite is still No. 66 here: http://www.h2g2.com/F16034?thread=66013&skip=60&show=20

Did you know there's a joke directory on h2g2 at:
http://www.h2g2.com/A227440
It's always looking for people to contribute more jokes, so why not have a look?

<BB<

What's big white and wears tartan trousers?

Rupert the fridge

lol.

Two piles of sick are watching a block of flats being torn down.
One is sobbing to himself.
The other says "Why are you so sad?"
Says the first: "That's where I was brought up"

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a plate of ham and eggs and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

What's pink and hard in the morning?

The Financial Times Crossword

...It's not always hard...

Whats pink and hangs out your trousers?
your mum.

What is small and pink and wrinkled and Grandad's?
Grandma

Och1 My sides! Zey are splitting!

Sorry for interrupting, but would you all please keep things together ?
There is already a jokes thread here on 'Ask H2G2', called 'tell us a joke' --------> http://www.h2g2.com/F19585?

Sorry. Didn't see it when I started the forum.