h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Let's compile a list of terms for this most disgusting of passtimes, to avoid embarrasment.

My entries include:

Yanking the plank,
Scratching the rabbit,
Visiting Madame Palm and her five frisky daughters,
Extracting the DNA sample,
Shaking the bacon,

and my personal favourite - Charming the Wookie.

Over to you lot

If you are as cheesey as your name suggests, maybe it's no wonder that you have to resort to........

Maybe it's because I have to resort to.... that I'm as cheesy as my name suggests. Ahem.

I find this article most delightful, charming in fact. Theres nothing wrong with discussing our human need for sexual release, I dont understand how this food for thought, got on the so called Bad list?
If everyone threw away their bottles of pills, and pulled their own chain, we'd all be alot better off, and a hell of a lot calmer!! Perhaps there would be less rape, and more happy smiles. Too bad I wasnt a doctor. My perscription pad would read...jerk off, w**k...what ever you want to call it, twice a day, and at the very least once. Nature supplied us with the best tranquilizer, we're all just to pent up to use it. Who should we blame for this, society, our parents, our teachers?
Its time we took matters in our own "hands" and learned that only we are responsible for our own happiness.
Well~I guess Im in the bad league now too...lol


Foxytramp

Never judge a book by its cover dear!! Ask dont assume.

Hahahha...I love cheese!! Youre making me hungry!!
Guess theres no hope for me, with my crapp ass name~lol

Foxytramp

oppps, Sorry honey, I think I misunderstood you, now that I read what you said again about the Bigcheese, I think you were cracking a joke..and it is pretty funny!!
But just look at the bright side of things, he may have to spank the monkey to make himself feel better, but he doesnt have to listen to some other partner tell him their not in the mood!! He gets the job done with no hassles!!
Whoopie~~~~

I agree. Masturbation is free, clean, safe, and you don't have to go home in the cold afterward. After all, who knows best how to please you? You do, and you can do it without any consequences and minimal clean-up afterward.

I'm curious, you sly old foxy tramp you, : ) You said this article got on the so called bad list. How do you mean?

Do you mean in general, how come we don't talk about, uh, self love more often, or is it that this conversation is somewhere listed on this site as being a 'bad thing'? Either way, it's not on!

In the one hand (hur hur hur) masturbation is, as has been said, clean, free, easy, and at the very least a source of endless material for American teen coming of age movies. On the other hand, euphamisms for the act can be even funnier. For example, witness the splendour of the term "Visiting Madame Palm and her five frisky daughters". Poetry. Or perhaps the subtlety of "Teasing one out" is more your cup of tea? For the sports fans there's "Chalking your cue", "Knocking the pins down", musically there's "Fiddling the bow", "Straddling the Double Bass", and so on. And it's easy to make up terms too. Witness these :

Er. I can't think of any at the mo. D'oh! Still, you get the point. So, any other euphamisms, anyone?

binky

P.S. Cheers for the support, I thought I was the only one with such a mind as mine.

I really can't think of any more either, I'm afraid. However, I am only a mere female, so all of this (as I have stated elsewhere) is very much secondhand. But I stand by my view that masturbation is very much a good thing.

Currently this article is categorised under 'human behaviour -> bad'... but, in fact, that'll probably change at some point, as there was a discussion on the sub-eds' forum about how it ain't really right to make such gross judgements about aspects of human nature, sort of thing.

26199

Okay okay I got one - it refers to female masturbation however. "Flicking the bean". I laughed my head off when I first heard it! I'm easily pleased....

Charming the Wookie, sounds good enough to eat to me baby!

Id have to agree with you, in saying its also my personal favorite..

Nice one!

There's not nearly enough euphamisms for female masturbation. I can't think of any at the mo, but I'm sure there are some funny ones out there. Rolling the tracker ball, perhaps?

Keep em coming...

I don't think anyone's cited "a quick one off the wrist". It may be dated, perhaps. But then so am I...

Hi there Big Cheese,

I'll have a go at explaining that one: in your first posting, I got the distinct impression that you felt that masterbation was somehow or , which is very much an idea propogated by the religiously-righteous.

There's a weird attitude prevailing in society that says that someone who must masterbate is incapable of getting laid regularly, having an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite (where necessary) sex, and generally behaving in a fashion that eliminates the need for masterbation.

The listing of euphemisms provided are an indication of the low stature that masterbation has been handed....along with the embarrassment of those that use the expressions for fear of 1) admitting to something that falls into the previously-mentioned category; 2) they haven't bothered to think about for themselves yet, and so are buying into the previously-mentioned category.

Once we all get our twisted ideas about personal sexuality sorted out, all the other societal problems around sex will become so much reduced as to be almost eliminated.

Fruitbat

This isn't really a euphamism, but I think it's quite a funny image anyway.

Masturbating furiously.

I just love the image of someone with a look of pure determined annoyance on their face as they k-thwack away. Nice.

Big Cheese

Ah, that look of furious determination - I have seen it in my time. I managed to keep a straight face, but I didn't keep the boyfriend. Oh well, he was a "jerk-off" anyway.

Ah, that look of furious determination - I have seen it in my time. I managed to keep a straight face, but I didn't keep the boyfriend. Oh well, he was a "jerk-off" anyway.

Also in regards to feminine self-abuse:
"Double clicking the mouse"
(To be blunt, I almost peed my pants!)