h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Wink at me if you think you are a cat
I said to the cutest and cuddliest kitten
and that you practise yoga on your exercise mat
to help you chill out and reach zen
a level of bliss when meditating in your plush apartment flat.

The cat sat and thought,
But as usual said nought.

The thoughtless cat, as he sat on your mat
Was planning on which neighbour's lawn he may shat.

Though his purr be calming and his coat be so fine
I just hope that that next neighbour's lawn isn't mine.

All the starling birds are quite little darlings
and never succumb to snarling or quarreling
but like to fly to Sterling to watch majorettes twirling
or at the sea side to see the windmills that are whirling
which sets their imagination to over drive with their creative thoughts unfurling
as they go to Dumfries and Galloway to watch the Curling
with teams of Easterlings and Oysterlings as they go hurling.

Cats tidy up after themselves.
They aren't as messy as elves.

I don't think I have ever met,
A person I would want to pet.

Not even a Who companion divine,
Compares with an arrogantly superior feline.

If pressed I suppose that I might reveal,
That I would take Catwoman out for a meal.

Finding cats in literary works in a bore,
Though there was indeed a cat in "H.M.S Pinafore."

The Cheshire Cat stayed round for quite a while
Then left us, leaving nothing but a smile.

A true love story, that involved a cat
Includes an owl in a sailor's hat.

Another cat, who in a flash was gone
Left something quite disgusting on my lawn.

Cats are generous of heart.
They bring a gift, and then depart.

Scream if you think your life is one long very strange dream
which involves your encounters with neighbours yelling in their dwellings
whenever they are steaming cooking bream which they caught in their nearby stream
and eating it improves their magical spelling which stops their kitchens from smelling
especially after they made salmon and garlic ice cream using clotted cream
to inspire them to write fantasy stories that when read are very compelling.

So they all take a wee dram of whisky whenever they are eating boiled ham
to toast the cricket players of Durham who always travel to their games in a tram
along with their captain who is not a human but a ram
called Tam and lives on yams and clams served with mixed berry jam
and they all don't give a dam about having to play next to the river Cam
where there's a dam where many games have been won in the South Tyneside grand slam.

Life as one strange long dream is all right with me.
It's a long, senseless poem I don't want to see.

I've got the music in me whenever I am singing by the sea
or dreaming of going to the Cairngorms in the winter and learning how to ski
and when I'm feel gutsy, I shout out "whoopee" when practising my Gaelic repartee
at the village ceilidh and discussing my favourite Runrig Cd's.

But I'm always misunderstood when I'm wearing my cloak and hood
as people say I'm up to no good and say that I'm obsessed with organically produced food.
That I want to recreate Fangorn Forest and Ents to look after the trees of the Woods.
But have to be on the look out for dwarfs who have very strange moods
when they are exchanging their mithril for commons and for household goods.

If I ever see
A walking, talking tree
They'll think I've lost my checkers
When I bring in some woodpeckers.

Come and join the wonderful X-Men
and gain mutant powers and learn the way of Zen.
There are many groups to join
and you will be rewarded with roast sirloin.
You'll be eligible to join X-Force
and you may even learn the mythology of the Norse.
There will be chances even to become a member of the Avengers
where at first you'll work as their messenger and fight off all challengers.

Come and join Excalibur and you will learn how to purr
and even find that your body is now covered in fur
when you drink liqueur that turns you into a feline
who worships at the cat shrine making the sun shine.
And to be given a car driven by your very own chauffeur
as you learn how to be demur when burning incense of myrrh.

Excalibur was in a pretty awful jam,
Lodged in a rock with an identity crisis.
"The world's only sentient sword, that's what I am,"
He cried, "But with less power than Isis!"

What you did not say that the dog lives in a nissan hut
and struts her stuff when eating price cut nuts when hitting a putt
to get himself out of a rut and by rewarding himself with a creamy donought.
And by fixing the screws and wingnuts on his tables and chairs brought to her by the ninut.

"He's just a dog," I exclaimed,
Until he appeared at my door
With a briefcase, and blamed
Me for the Crimean War.

There is a duck that runs amok
when covered in a muck
and traveling in a truck
and running out of luck.

And there's no brakes, there's no heart breaks
when sitting by rivers and lakes
eating bowlfuls of strawberries and plates of cakes
and drinking assorted fruit flavoured extra thick milk shakes
to ease all our arthritic pains and aches
caused by paddling in the pond with ducks and drakes.

So I will only look out for artwork when its a fake
and said to be have been painted by a grass snake
that believes in give and take when giving out slices of pound cake
which is covered in chocolate icing and chocolate flakes
and when eaten is known to cause a few very minor earthquakes.

Some people spend yearning when their thoughts are churning
as they begin learning on how to become more discerning
about yearning for a slower pace of life by acts of table turning
which makes them very wealthy by their high earnings
and now they can live in a cottage with homely logs fires slowly burning.
And a better social life with ceilidhs and frequent taverning.

On a never ending journey to get away from my ex who's an attorney
who always greets by riding on a gurney and calling me Ernie.
Thinks he's Sean Cassidy otherwise known as 'The Banshee'
who when he get's angry begins to wail for another cup of tea
and is studying for an university degree in the history of the Dead Sea
and if he passes he'll have a party in a marquee where he will practise his wailing repartee.

They always seek, never find