h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Let us make sure we are aware of what outlies San Diego, as far as surburban territory is concerned.

El Cajon and Santee are just two of the heavily populated surburb fronts of the great San Diego. These two are a unique representation of the Yin and the Yang in the contrast and comparison of City Demographics. Built for Cityscape; Built for Landscape. Built with a Courthouse; Built with an Outhouse. Just two slight, if suttle changes between the two.

Lakeside. Rodeo, KKK, Dago-Mob, and the Influential Golden Goose Coffee House. In fact, here's the actual order of events to fully enjoy the festivities of Lakeside :

You down enough Double Mochas that your head begins to shake and believe you can take on anything. Luckily enough the Rodeo is on, so you hop on a bull thinking that it would be a "cool ride". After tanting the bull with several renditions of "Cotton-Eye Joe", and "Friends in Low Places", the bull becomes an onslaught of mass destruction, flinging you like a booger to the nearest pit of Rattlesnakes and Gophers. After several attempts from the doctors to pump out the ravenous poison generously donated by the local reptilian favorites, you spend the next four weeks in front of your computer screen with nothing to do but write computer programs. Your hair falls out, and you get so pissed that you hate everybody that isn't looking like you.

As for El Cajon ... That is a first-hand experience. As for El Cajon Boulevard, that's a several hand experience...

Will Robinson

As a denzien of both locales, I must add a resounding Aye to these truisms. I would propose that parts of El Cajon are what caused Ford to change his listing of Earth to "Mostly Harmless."

Lakeside. It's actually not a bad place, all things considered. It could be Jamul or Santee, two of San Diego's more endearing (*snort*) suburbs. The Golden Goose is one great coffeeshop. If you're there, ask for a blended hot chocolate, whipped cream, grande. Or a Lime-Coconut blended Italian Soda. High Quality, that stuff. I would, however, suggest avoiding entirely the infamous World's Largest Windchime (a.k.a. the World's Largest Annoyance Outside Current Politics). Noisy and pesky, that thing.

Those of weak sensibilities, avoid ECBoulevard if you can...Scary place.

Ahh, onto the subject of what you would call a "double-grande." In some order of the galaxy, caffiene is a precious commodity not to be bargained with (as we all know, the food supplement staple for all carbon-based life forms is Caffiene). It releases primal urges inside of one's soul (i.e. cleaning out a toilet with a steak knife, running to Tahiti...even if it is across water, and of course delivering speeches from a balcony in makeshift german), however, be warned that some things are not as helpful if an intra-veinous full of jitter-juice is hooked into you. Example: planning a weekend backpacking trip menu after 4 cappuccino pops (ever see a hyper Bill Cosby...you don't, it's not pretty) and roughly 12 Mountain Dews. Why is this such a bad idea? For starters, your lunch for the second day would consist of 5 strangled lemurs and dinner would be goat buttocks with hampster nipple chips for desert. Although, some wouldn't mind.

Lol! You're destroying the atmosphere! You must counter-attack with La Jolla, or something, we can't scare commerce!!

El Cajon and Santee are most certainly 'exotic' places, but you're forgetting the largest San Diego suburb of all... (technically it's own city, but so are EC and Santee) Escondido. Home to the cows, horses and a really nice Centre for the Arts. Just out of the reach of everyday San Diegans. Or what about National City/Spring Valley? It's where I picked up my knifefighting skills and learned how to say 'my baby daddy'. La Mesa? Well, errr.... La Mesa?

Let's throw La Jello (I've heard people say it that way!) and Torrey Pines out there and see if we can't make it all better...

-L.

The city and county known as San Diego can be broadly divided into 4 main areas. North County which is most everything North of I-8. East County (wherein lies El Cajon the city which should not be confused with El Cajon the boulevard which should be considered the Sepulveda of San Diego) which is roughly everything east of I-15. South Bay is everything south of I-94. Then the center of town which is about
everything within a 10 mile radius of Limburg (Limburger?) Field.

[It should be emphasized given the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as applied to human populations and real estate that the boundaries above are approximate with an error of +/- 1 Astronomical Unit or the mean difference (as opposed to the nice difference) between Sol and planet Earth.]

I'm old enough to remember when Poway was considered the boondocks and a haven for "good ole boys". Now it is part of "Centre City" as the city keeps widening its sphere of influence (economic and transportation). So like a black hole, the city of San Diego has sucked in vast portions of the county. Unlike a black hole, it has no Schartzchild radius.

Microsoft has not yet purchased San Diego.

Well, yes... then there's that method of dividing things. As I'm just barely old enough to remember that mayor... uhh... the radio host, I can't quite agree. I'll just take it for granted you're right.

Note - your mention of Heisenberg frightens me. I sincerely hope you haven't a green elf on your shoulder telling you things.

Once upon a time, a presumptive young man named Pete Wilson ran the city of San Diego. Then he was Governor of California. Then he tried to become president. In the meantime, a young lady named Maureen O'Conner ran the city of San Diego but everyone hated her because she liked public art that everyone else thought was ugly (oh but the Faberge Eggs were quite beautiful!) After she was ousted, Roger Hedgecock became mayor until he got caught up in a financial scandel with real estate mavens. But there is no shame in American anymore: he became the Rush Limbaugh of the southland.

Those were scary, frightening times. Pete Wilson actually was the better mayor of the three.

Schrodinger was a much crueler man than Heisenberg. Heisenberg twisted our minds--Schrodinger screwed with cats (a superior lifeform in every important way).

My elves are mauve and puce, not green.

...O'Conner...(shudder!!!!!)...yes, I remember her, unfortunatly. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I like paste her face up to the passenger side of my car and drive really fast, thus having bugs splatter all over face.

Mea maximum culpa. It was Wilson, then Hedgecock, then O'conner.
But it was a time warp, I tell ya.

I love SD, what a great place.
N

True, it is a great place, but one must beware of the lesser known dangers, i.e. the yuppie. These animals are observed best in their natrural environment, La Jolla. This haven for these magnificent beasts is one and the same to some of the other more obnoxious animals that serve no apparent function in society, such as middle management

Since the late 1970s, the yuppie of San Diego has been expanding its range by use of Suburban-Uber-Vehicles (aka SUVs). This species can now be found along the coastal region from Pacific Beach to Rancho Santa Fe to Carlsbad as well as along the inland highway corridors I-15 from Mission Valley to Rancho Bernardo to Temecula. The yuppie tends to form enclaves known as "gated communities" and "home owner associations". Yuppies are in constant combat with the Argentinian ant and property taxes.

In a perfect world, the yuppies would, with a gust of off-coastal wind, simultaneously have their SUV's blown off of the I15 express lanes and separated from their life force (cell phones, that is). But in a perfect world, The yuppies wouldn't exist.