h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As some here may know, Mrs SWL took over managing a large multi-screen cinema at the start of the year. She regularly has me giggling with tales of the goings-on there, along with the most accurate film reviews. Never mind what the critics say, just watching the audiences as they leave tells you all you need to know. As a result, I’ve managed to avoid all the over-hyped movies this year and caught some real gems.

So I’m going to share some of her insider news and views about the cinema and the latest releases here.

As a catch-up, here are some of the stories that made me smile this year.

One afternoon, a very fussy-looking woman was complaining at the Box Office. Mrs SWL went over to see what the fuss was about. The woman was standing with a younger lady who looked a bit crestfallen and was holding a coat around her middle. It turned out, the fussy-looking woman was the ‘carer’ of the other woman who had had a little ‘accident’ in the auditorium. Basically, she had wet herself. Quite copiously too, as the staff later discovered. A veritable stream had cascaded down the aisles for other customers to splash through. Quite a feat when you consider how absorbent cinema seats can be. That wasn’t what the fussy-looking one was complaining about. She was demanding some clothes from Lost Property for her charge. It took some explaining for my wife to convince her that the clothes in Lost Property belonged to customers and could not be handed out by the cinema. Eventually she conceded the point but, obviously not wanting to leave without achieving some kind of victory, she then pressed for a refund as she had missed the last 15 minutes of the film.

Many people ask for refunds, some for the strangest of reasons. One woman marched up to Box Office after a film and demanded her money back. It seems her small child had cried through the last 30 minutes of the film and she hadn’t heard a word. The filthy looks the hundreds of customers were giving her as they filed out helped decide the level of sympathy she received.

During one particularly lengthy film, a guy left the screen to answer a call of nature, only to find himself caught by an Andrex moment in the cubicle. Business done, he reached for the loo roll. But there was none. He called out, but no-one else was in the toilets and he was stuck. He tried phoning his girlfriend who was still watching the film, but her mobile was turned off. He had to remain in the throne room for nearly an hour until the film ended and she switched her phone on. Obviously not the sensitive type, he still asked for a refund.

Some reasons given for a refund are more mundane. You would be amazed how many people ask for their money back because they didn’t like the film.

People often get their complaints in early. Mrs SWL noticed a man and a teenager creating a fuss at Box Office. It turned out the boy was 14 and the chap wanted to take him in to see a ‘15’ film. Like many parents, he seemed to think it was his responsibility what films the lad could see. Unfortunately the law says differently. At the mention of the law, this chap’s demeanour changed. “Look, I hate to do this, but …” He then pulled out his Warrant Card. Without missing a beat, Mrs SWL noted down his number. Thanking him for the card she told him that he should know better and, unless he left immediately, he would be meeting some of his colleagues very soon. The next morning she phoned his station and spoke to a most interested Inspector.

As you might expect, kids present a special challenge for cinema staff. Absenteeism is at it’s height during school holidays. And who can blame them? This Easter was a veritable puke-fest. Young kids stuff themselves with chocolate Easter eggs then load up on popcorn, nachos, hot dogs and a small lake of fizzy drinks. Mixed together inside a kiddy who is jumping excitedly around at the goings-on on the screen, it’s almost inevitable that the results are so explosive. Added to this is the policy that only properly-trained staff can handle Body Fluid Situations. At her cinema, it falls upon the managers and supervisors to do the deed.

Training and Health & Safety are big issues with such a large organisation. For nearly a month, no bulbs could be changed in the cinema as the only ladder-trained member of staff left. How many cinema employees does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to climb the ladder, (having had the necessary days training), one to hold the ladder and one to pass up the bulb. When Mrs SWL finally managed to send one chap off to Glasgow to do the training and become a certificated bulb-changer, it was a huge relief. Upon his return, two staff were waiting with a box of bulbs and the ladder. In vain, it transpired. New rules now mean that bulbs can only be changed by three staff, one of whom has received the proper training and who is wearing the appropriate safety boots. Unfortunately, this chap had size 14 feet and the Glasgow office were placing a special order for the right size. So the cinema went another month without the bulbs being changed. Two days after the boots arrived, the chap handed in his notice. He had a better job offer elsewhere. One that doesn’t involve climbing ladders I presume.

Some policies are bizarre, if well-meaning. If a woman is struggling with the heavy auditorium doors whilst laden with fizzy drinks, popcorn & the like, staff are encouraged to help by holding the door open. But if the woman is disabled, staff are forbidden to help her. That would be discriminatory you see.

Am I alone in thinking that staff are forced to discriminate in order not to appear to be being discriminatory?

Good films I have seen this year on the basis that crowds liked them were: 300, Wild Hogs and surprisingly perhaps, Knocked Up.

I won’t be rushing to see Rush Hour 3 though. After most performances, staff have to wake up members of the audience who have fallen asleep. Not a good sign. Other bozos were Goya’s Ghost, Babel, Epic Movie and Flyboys.

"Good films I have seen this year on the basis that crowds liked them were: 300, Wild Hogs and surprisingly perhaps, Knocked Up."

Ugh, 300 was the biggest waste of two hours I had to sit through this year. How can you make a film consisting of shouting, followed by shagging, followed by more shouting punctuated by extreme violence into the most boring film of the year? How??

That post has given a few folks a lot of laughs, mate. And given me pause to wonder about a career change.

Addendum: I've just been told that the ladder-trained chap who is leaving is scared of heights.

At my hospital radio station us shortarses asked for a step so we could reach the top shelves. After some debate about this and the Health and Safety expert eventually stepping in (he wanted the step too) the committee gave in and we got our step

Health and Safety guy and I work together on a show and we had quite an interesting chat about H&S. One thing I thought really interesting is that the HSE rules aren't half as stupid as I originally thought - companies can put in their own ideas on what they think H&S should be, but keeping within the official rules. Therefore you get the stupid rules like schools not letting kids play conkers; in fact, the H&S website has a Myth of the Month section - http://www.hse.gov.uk/myth/index.htm

Oh I agree. Ferretbadger educated me quite thoroughly on this and I now know that the HSE aren't the root problem. With big companies, especially American ones, they adopt a safety first attitude. Not safety *for* the customers, but safety *from* them. The risks of getting sued are so high. Many employ a H&S manager whose job is to go round looking for problems. To justify his position, he has to keep finding new problems.

When I think back to my experiences in theatre, especially on decrepit tallescopes, I'm sure any H&S person would have a fit.

I worked in a cinema for 11 months while studying for my degree - this took me right back to the insanity of it all.

To be fair, most cinemas will give refunds at the drop of a hat, especially in the larger cities where there's some choice. I was always told that the two golden rules of running a cinema are:

1) A person who has a good experience will tell 5 people, a person who has a bad experience that wasn't resolved will tell 15 people, so cinemas are generally desperate to keep their guests sweet.

2) People will judge the cleanliness of your kitchens by the cleanliness of the toilets. Always keep the toilets sparkling - after cleaning screens they have second priority.

While I was down in Exeter last year I went to see three films and got refunded for the cost of all of them because there were really noisy folk in the screens and I couldn't find a member of staff to chuck them out. It did help that the cinema was part of the same chain which employed me, so I was able to quote chapter and verse what they'd done wrong, from their own employee handbook.

>>Addendum: I've just been told that the ladder-trained chap who is leaving is scared of heights.<<

I worked as a mail sorter with someone who couldn't read. Really. He lasted about a month.

I currently work for a major cinema chain's booking service so this Diary was all too familiar. I've had a few weird ones as well. I don't know why but the cinema seems to be a hothouse for nutters.

A lady who wanted a full refund because she'd dropped her pedometer in the toilet.

A little boy from Middlesborough repeatedly, and I mean nearly every day for a month, trying to book tickets with made up card details. He was obviously going for a process of elimination and I salute him for his efforts.

An exceptionally vehement lady who wanted money for a new dress because the hotdog mustard she had spilt on it wouldn't wash out. "I want to know what you're going to do about this. It's *your* mustard" she kept saying.

A gentleman who claimed he was going to write to his MP because he didn't like the automated service.

As for H&S I did an installation piece at university that was basically lots and lots of tiny speakers in a sensory deprivation chamber/maze. I was terrified the technician would want to see it because I had wires stapled to the walls everywhere and the place was pitch black. I didn't realise what PAT testing was at this point and thought it was the techie's name. I kept asking people if they had seen Pat in an apprehensive way.

"It's your mustard" Yup. The wife tells me they get through half a dozen dry-cleaning bills a week when people spill things on themselves.

The latest escapade happened on Tuesday.

Cinema staff were confronted by a strange sight in the disabled toilets. Unable to figure it out, they summoned a supervisor, who was equally perplexed. Finally my wife was called and, in finest Poirot style, deduced the following.

Some poor cinema-goer had been feeling a trifle unwell and had been copiously sick into, onto and around the bowl. In the process of being sick, ominous pressures had built up in the nether regions. Now, if you feel yourself about to "let go" whilst busily retching, what do you do? This enterprising chap or chapess placed a large coke carton beneath their bum to catch the stream of diarrhoea and had succeeded in catching it tolerably well. Of course, he/she left it for the cinema staff as a memento.

There is a rule that only suitably-trained staff can clear up bodily fluids so my wife strapped on the rubber gloves. Gingerly, she picked up the shit-filled carton. Unfortunately, excreta does something to coke cartons. As she turned to drop it into a bag, the carton collapsed between her fingers and the bottom fell out - rather explosively. Mrs SWL was covered from head to toe.

Luckily it was a disabled loo with a sink so she stripped off and washed her clothes, spending an age drying them under the hand drier.

Ah, the glamorous life of those working in the movies

There really ought to be cameras mounted at such times as those contortions. Purely for security reasons, of course.

It's not always giggles or yeuch factor at the cinema. Yesterday, (Saturday), staff noticed two young laddies in the video game area of the foyer. They were aged about 8 & 6 and seemed to be just loitering. One of the staff asked them if their parents or an adult were nearby and got a confusing reply that nonetheless suggested they were just waiting for their parents. Being a busy Saturday and understaffed, it was left at that.

About half an hour later, one of the Supervisors spotted the boys and spoke to them. She ended up with the impression that the boys had been in to see one film and were waiting on their parents coming out of another film.

However, four hours later, they were noticed again. This time, Mrs SWL was called. Talking to the boys, it was discovered that the 8 year old was the 6 year old's Uncle. She found out that they hadn't been in to see any film and their parents had dropped them off inside the cinema whilst they went into town. Just as Mrs SWL was contemplating calling the police, the parents arrived. They were both young, scruffy and fitted the description of typical druggie chavs. They didn't see what the problem was.

Well, she tore a strip off them. Whilst they stood slack-jawed she told them they were unfit parents, disgusting individuals and extremely lucky that nothing untoward had happened to their kids. They just stared, shrugged and left.

And as much as I despise the raw tonnage of money thrown into the "welfare state", ... there is a prime example of why folks need a supportive system. Take such a pair of lads from a dead-end path, and hopefully offer them an actual future.

Not everyone who needs to claim benefit is like those two y'know

This I do know. Sadly though, I have seen far too many examples of these types of parents as well. And but for the sake of a bit more personal self-worth, my own daughter and son-in-law might prove similar with my 4 grand-kids. And that is a very bothersome thought ...

Oh, so everyone who claims benefit are like those two arseholes? Well I'm offended with your remarks Nick, because we're claiming benefits at the moment and we are nothing like them two who dumped their kids at the cinema. Thanks a lot.

I made no such sweeping and all-inclusive statement. I said that I have seen far too many cases that ARE like the above mentioned two. I'm sorry if you misinferred and have been offended.

I said "Not everyone who needs to claim benefit is like those two y'know". You said "This I do know". That looks like a sweeping generalisation to me, but apology accepted. Just look before you type next time

I agreed with your statement, that not everyone is alike.

So SWL, what other lovely scenarios have transpired at the cinema lately? Being a Monday, I can use a good giggle.

Not much giggling lately. We were talking about obesity being in the news and I was quite surprised when she told me they have quite a problem with it in the cinema. They have a number of regular customers who are morbidly obese. I mean, really huge. The problem is that, and I never knew this, when you get above a certain size you can become incontinent. Even worse, you may not be aware that you've just relieved yourself. So, particularly with longer films, these people have accidents on the seats. Apparently, people rarely notice the smell at the time as your nose gets used to it gradually, but if you enter an auditorium just after the audience has left, the stench is foul and the staff have to track down the seat and clean it. That's why auditoriums are usually cold when you first go in. The first thing they do as an audience exits is to whack the air conditioning on full to change the air quickly.

So next time you go into a cold cinema and your seat is a little damp, it might not have been coke that was spilled on it.

I'm beginning to understand why I only get to a cinema once every decade or so.