h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It is SEVEN PM. It is DARK OUTSIDE. Beware of large cats, insomniac bears, firemen, marauding barbershop quartets, and bikers who have seen too many action movies. Heck, beware of everybody. This town is nuts.

After seeing the ladies back home, Wlad walks back the way he came and turns left at Seventh. He picks up his car in the church parking lot and drives over to the university's planetarium building. His friend Professor Dunkelberger is giving a show tonight.

The planetarium is in the science building, and it's really state-of-the-art, with a very nice Zeiss projector. Even entering the planetarium is an artistic experience: the circular walls around the auditorium itself are painted with space scenes and blacklit. Standing in front of a Marscape, Wlad is startled to hear a little boy say, 'Hey, Mom! Look at my shoes!'

He turns and sees what the kid is excited about: his canvas sneakers are glowing. The boy's mother explains, 'That's because of the chemicals in the laundry soap. Remember we washed your shoes? Look,' she points. 'See that man's white shirt?' She points to Wlad, who looks down at his white shirt, which is indeed glowing under his black vest.

He smiles at them both. 'Now I've learned something. Thank you!' They all go inside and take their places in the super-comfortable, slightly reclining theatre seats. When the audience is all settled in, Professor Dunkelberger dims the lights and runs his show.

'Tonight,' says Professor Dunkelberger, 'We'll talk about the moon. Does anybody know how far away it is?'

The little boy with the blacklit sneakers pipes up, 'Almost as far as Pittsburgh.' Everybody laughs, and his mom whispers, 'That's Moon Township, Jimmy.'

Professor Dunkelberger puts up a quote from NASA's space-for-kids page, 'Earth has just one moon – a rocky, cratered place, roughly a quarter the size of Earth and an average of 238,855 miles away. The Moon can be seen with the naked eye most nights as it traces its 27-day orbit around our planet.'

He adds, 'Now, tonight our moon is just 22 percent visible. It's already getting lower in the sky. It will set at around 10 pm. It's a clear night, so you can go out and look if you wear something warm. We don't always see all of the moon, or even one side of it. The moon has phases.'

Professor Dunkelberger demonstrates the phases on his slide show using images from NASA's page 'The Moon's Phases in Oreos'.

http://spaceplace.nasa.gov/oreo-moon/en/

Then he stops showing slides and gets down to what everyone came for: the planetarium show proper. The lights go all the way down. The projector rises like a giant alien starship. People lean back in their seats and stargaze as the night sky becomes visible above them. While their eyes are adjusting, the professor points out a few constellations and tells lame jokes about them, because that is in his job description. Since tonight's show is about the moon, however, he starts up the lunar phases show which he has made with the help of NASA and Wlad, who provided the score.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIbacSdKEOM

When the lights go up again, everyone applauds. Wlad and the others thank Professor Dunkelberger for yet another successful presentation, although Jimmy's mom says laughingly that now she's going to have to give Jimmy milk and Oreos when he gets home or he'll never go to bed. Wlad leaves, but Professor Dunkelberger stays: he has another showing at 8.

The Hooverville Madrigal group was wildly quixotic even by Hooverville standards. Formed three years ago by Aunt Aganista Philpotts, it was so dominated by members of the Philpotts family that they decided to hold rehearsals in the function room of the No-Bull China Shop. Performances tended to take place at the annual Arts festival, or in the china shop. Some critics marveled that the sopranos' high
notes didn't crack the china. Others considered the group redundant, as the university had a chamber choir which often sang madrigals. This last group of critics was hopelessly wrongheaded: The chamber choir performed at the University's Macbeth Spongebob Auditorium, whose decor could hardly compare with the china shop's function room for ambience.

Aunt Aganista was the group's first conductor. She had never conducted anything in her life, but at first no one minded; anything was better than having her sing. But at the beginning of the third rehearsal, two of the altos stood up and begged Aganista to play their parts on the piano. She was a fine pianist, but she was outfoxed here. One of the altos began conducting. The other singers begged Aganista to
let the altos take turns conducting, while Aganista continued to accompany the group on the piano. Never mind that the group rarely sang with accompaniment! This arrangement gave the group coherent direction, and Aganista was happy to be doing something she was good at.

Rehearsals were held on Fridays at 7:00 p.m. Arsenio and M.T. held down the tenor section, while the other three male Philpotts kept the bass section going. (Arsenio had only been in town a year. Before he came, Philbin Philpotts was the other tenor. Now Philbin sang bass.)

"The Messiah" was a more ambitious piece than what the madrigal group usually sang. There was no budget for an orchestra, and since Aganistas's death there was no regular keyboard accompanist. Rose Lapin Philpotts had mastered the organ accompaniment for the occasion. When she had soprano solos to sing, M.T. took her place at the piano/organ.
It was hoped that the local citizenry would be so impressed that someone would realize that the community needed a large choral group. There was one fly in the ointment though: Apart from the local churches and the University's concert hall, there were few other places where a large musical production could be mounted. The City Hall had an auditorium, but "The Messiah" was
regarded as a religious piece. Separation of church and state mandated caution. The Macbeth Spongebob Auditorium was booked solid for the week before Christmas, when the madrigal group wanted to perform its "Messiah." Many of the outlying farms and motor courts had function rooms, but would Hoovervillians want to schlep all the way out to them? The Knights of Vespucci offered their hall, but it only seated ten people.
Then the Dixonic Lodge offered their hall, at a reasonable rate. So that was where the performance would be. Maybe the local developers would be willing to make a concert hall part of one of their future developments? It was worth shooting for!

In the meantime, Doctor Hu at Hooverville Hospital had asked if the madrigal group could channel all proceeds from the concert to help fund the hospital's planned trauma center. All that good will might attract the attention the group needed for its future. Elaine Hu, the third alto, was Doctor Hu's wife.

This was the first rehearsal, so the group was going to do a complete run-through.

['Complete run-through: So we are to assume that this rehearsal will go on for the next two-and-a-half to three hours?]

Wow!

What a view from up here...
All of Hooverville at our feet, stars coming out. Time for that selfie.
Alex? can you make a picture of us, with the fire station in the background?

That humming again. Louder now. Where is that coming from? Let's see... Ah, there.

What the Hoover is THAT?!

I suppose I am not the only one who never saw something like that?

Is that barn at the edge of town supposed to glow blue and pulsate like that? There's quite a lot of folks around it.

Are you filming this Alex? Nobody is going to believe us otherwise.

HOOVER! WHERE DID IT GO?!

YOU, KEEP FILMING !

I've seen a lot of weird things in my life, but I think this will be a winner, if I ever get to write my life story.

Where is my phone? Ah, there.. Now don't drop it, or Anna will kill me.

Hello Fred, it's Fred.... Oh, Suzie again...
No, you didn't sound the alarm. I am calling YOU to report a major incident. Just not sure what to call it. Either it is the abduction or the total annihilation of an otherwise perfectly normal barn, possibly occupied. No death count yet. Who you should call? No idea. Maybe you could try NASA, Homeland Security or MIT? If they don't know, maybe you could try the White house? They seem to have the right connections and authority to decide whose responsibility it is. We are filming what happened right now. I'll send you the footage...
Meanwhile I think I am going to check it out. Create a perimeter or something like that. Yeah, good luck. Give my regards to Mrs. President if you get to speak to her. Bye.

Alex? can you send that movie clip to emergency dispatch? Yes, I'll make sure you get paid for the data use. (Students...!)

Now let's rappel down as quickly as possible...

Wheeeeee!!!

Why do I hear "Land of hope and glory" again? Oh, Anna on the phone.

Hi Anna ?! Yes, you can always call me. It's just that I'm hanging halfway down the Town hall tower. What's up?

So some guy calls you from Punxsy to ask whether teleportation is allowed in your spud challenge? He's waiting for the groundhog to come out to drop his tater on it? And he wants to know if there is anybody with a flatbed trailer to get his barn back to Hooverville? Fried the control module of his barn, so he can't get back... Yeah right!
I think this calls for an emergency meeting. We'll get our stuff and those students down and meet at the fire station. OK, see you there in ten, fifteen tops. Can you call the rest of the family and crew? Maybe notify the Sheriff, in case Suzie forgot about that? Can't have the Feds here and him not knowing.

PAULA?! GET THE HOOVER DOWN HERE! THERE IS SOME SERIOUS VACUUM CLEANUP THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Leave the ropes. We're going back to the station ASAP.

Everybody hop on Kenny and hold on tight. See if I can make it in five...

Ted, do you still have some of those snacks left? I'm not sure we will get to have our regular dinner tonight.

Can you turn on the lights, Paula?

VrrrrOOOOMMMM.

The door opened onto a small room, the walls plastered with white boards and posters boasting very angry, and rather crude, anti-government, anti-foreigner slogans.

Hastily scribbled in marker pen were numerous ideas on how to kidnap and dispose of foreign tourists….jeez...that'd be me!

What have I gotten myself into here? What if these nut jobs have Caroline in their evil custody?

I rifled through the papers on the small desk.

Xenophobic flyers for the "Hooverville Original Revolutionary Righteously Invincible Diehards" proclaiming they would rid the land of invading foreign types, and restore the glory of Nighthoover!

On the back of a rickety old chair, a strangely glowing tee shirt, bearing the slogan 'Carpe Noctem - join Horrid'.

Oh my God, these guys were literally Horrid!

The badly printed flyers left ink on my hands, and fear in my heart.

Who were horrid?

Some kind of weird cult? Ultra-right maniacs, descendents of Nazi war criminals, religious vacuuming zealots, survivalists waiting for Armageddon, or backwater rebel militia armed to the moonshine rotted teeth? Who knew?

I needed help, but who could I trust in this small town? The Sheriff, the local paper, the mayor? Any or all of them might be horrid too.

I found my bike, thankfully in one piece, in the car park of the abandoned building I'd been held in. Where to?

As most bikers do in times of trouble, I decided the only people I could turn to were those brothers and sisters who shared the lifestyle. I would call in on Fluffy and his club, tell them of the threat, and ask the Nite Pirates for help!

And that, my friends, was my second big mistake…..

["we are to assume that this rehearsal will go on for the next two-and-a-half to three hours?] [Dmitri]

It's the Christmas section, plus a few other obligatory pieces, but yes, it will run well into the second hour. Plus, that silly tenor soloist starts off *much* too slowly, so who knows? ]

[I figured you meant the Christmas section, or you'd be there all night.]

[ Choral directors are a diverse lot. If it's near the end of the second hour, and the director is tired, she may just end the rehearsal and do the rest of the piece the next time. Singers,like audience members, sometimes have weak bladders. ]

Inside the First Church of Nighthoover, Sheriff Rowdybush looks up at the Carpenter Gothic rafters. He then looks around at the stained glass windows. As it is dark outside and softly lit inside the Church, the windows are not shown off to best advantage, but he decides to examine the depictions of the Nighthoover and the Hoovery Disciples.

As he moves around, his wheels squeak slightly against the polished parquet on the floor. He stops for a moment and listens out for anyone else who might be in the room to hear the incongruous sound. Detecting no sound or movement other than his own, he moves more boldly, until he finds himself at the front. He takes a pinch from the basin of Hoovery Dust and sprinkles it over himself while giving thanks for the successes of the day. Next, he fetches his wallet out of his pocket and makes a donation in the little box provided for that purpose.

He carries on wheeling round the room, looking at the windows on the other side of the Church, then rests for a while next to a pew near the back of the room. He wonders where the Pastor is this evening.

[Listening to the sea? ][

Back in her apartment above the Waffelhaus, Wilhelmina has a shower and changes into her pyjamas. For a few minutes she watches the firemen climbing up on the Town Hall. Then she takes her grandmother's hand-written cookbook from the shelf. It is bound in leather and has a protective sleeve of brown packing paper. She searches for a cake to bake tomorrow.
'Black Forest gateau? Esterhazy torte? Hmm...'
Suddenly Wilhelmina hears a noise. She frowns. It comes from somewhere outside. Cassy whips her tail and jumps onto the window sill. She looks outside. Wilhelmina joins her.

'You hear it too, right? Do you think it's the kids again? These students in their dirty robes who try to invoke the Great Dust Bunny in the park?'

Wilhelmina listens to the strange chanting. Should she call the sheriff? Not yet, maybe it's nothing.

'I think I should go have a look. We came just at the right time back then. But better be prepared.'

Wilhelmina takes her grandmother's cookbook again and leafs through it until she reaches the last section.

'So, let's see...'

She finds what she searches for, nods to herself, closes the book and puts it back on the shelf between '10 minute meals' and 'Complete collection of traditional recipes of Hooverville' in three volumes. Wilhelmina puts on her shoes, coat and a wool cap. As she doesn't have a gun she quickly grabs her pink umbrella – just in case. Wilhelmina opens the door, then stops.

'Do you come or not?'

Cassy jumps down from the window and dashes past Wilhelmina into the stairwell. They walk downstairs and through the back entrance to the Waffelhaus. She walks into the kitchen, puts some water into the electric kettle and turns it on, then rushes into the cafe and picks a few herbs. Back in the kitchen she finds a thermos jug, stuffs the herbs into the jug, pours in some boiling water, closes it again and shakes it.

'It says boil for one hour, but I don't think we've got the time now.'

Wilhelmina again goes to the cafe and looks around. She sees what she is searching for, waks over to a table, steps up on the bench and takes a potted plant from its place in a hanging basket. She steps down again, walks back into the kitchen with the plant and puts the thermos flask into her coat. She turns off the lights and leaves the Waffelhaus through the back entrance again. Before she opens the door to the street she gives Cassy a serious look.

'You know that we have some large predators around – or at least that's what people say. Don't wander off alone. Stay with me.'

And thus, Wilhelmina and Cassy step out into the street with a potted plant, an umbrella and a thermos flask, searching for the source of the chanting.

The walk home with Wilhelmina and Wlad is good for Lola. The fresh air helps clear her head a little.

-Would you like to come in?, she whispers after Wlad is gone.
(Just a little too late).

She enters the shop, through the back door, and goes straight upstairs. A glass of water would be nice.
She stumbles into the kitchen, bumps into the table and manages to break nothing.
There is a jug on the table. Her tea jug. It is full. The teabags are still floating in the cold cold water.
Urgh.
She pours it all onto the potted plant in the corner. What doesn't kill it might make it stronger.

She helps herself to a glass of water and sits down at the table.
It is always nice meeting her friends, but being around people is so very tiring. Now she needs some peace and quiet. And food, too.

- Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God...

Oh Hoover no! That comes from next door. It's Arsenio's choir thing. Just what she absolutely doesn't need right now.

All right, first things first, she takes her phone and places an order for a delivery from the Laughing Buddhahoover.
Egg-fried noodles with chicken. In twenty minutes? Yes, that will be perfect.

Then, second things second: look for ear plugs while waiting for the delivery guy.
Ear plugs are located a few seconds before her phone rings.
- Coming right down! Here I am! Yes food! Please thank you!

Up she goes again, with her food in one hand and her ear plugs in the other.
Okay, here comes the risky part. Third things third: the food goes in the mouth, the ear plugs go in the ears. Not, repeat Not, the other way around.
She manages that without too much trouble.

And proceeds to eat her noodles in complete, utter, and blissful silence.

After she has licked the box clean, she unplugs an ear for a test, and replugs it right away. The choir-ing is not over yet.

She goes to her bedroom and checks on the water-damaged book from last night. It is dry, if a little worse for wear.
The bookmark didn't move. Great quality, that.
She slips on her pyjamas and settles under the blanket for a chapter.
Warm, cosy, quiet. This is a good life.

She'll get back to her writing in a few minutes, when she can listen to her own music.

A chapter turns into five, and soon almost an hour has passed.

Paulh gets the Most Inspirational Post Award for all the snark it's going to inspire.

Caiman gets the Science Fiction Award for...well, you know.

FWR gets the Thickening Plot Award again. We're on tenterhooks.

SashaQ gets the Religious Innovation Award for the Hoovery Dust. We find that very comforting.

Tavaron gets the Strong Female Lead Award for Wilhelmina the intrepid, also her pink umbrella.

Superfrenchie gets the Romantic Subtext award for, you know.

Salute to Tav for the concept of The Great Dust Bunny too

Absolutely!

Thank you!