h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This came out of a a conversation I was having with a g/f about men and their wives.

It really does appear that there are a fair number of married women out there who don't like sex.

My guess is that these are the women who say "I am no prude, I have had 'fun' in my time" and then go on to say something so crashingly prudish your eyes involuntarily blink.

What I want to know - and I suspect that I am going to get a more honest answer from the men than the women - is what proportion of women don't actually like sex.

B

Perhaps it's more a case of letting things get boring after a while than not actually liking sex I was talking to 2 friends of mine recently (we're all in our early-mid 20s) and both of them say they'd rather have a cuppa now! They're both 5 years + in their relationships though, one of them getting close to 10 years!
and have children, so maybe it becomes too much effort after a while? I still maintain if you don't like it you're not doing it right

I think a similar proportion of women don't like sex to men.

Yes... I did say that. Some men don't like sex.

Conversations with female friends confirm this - there are a proportion, and it might be as many as half, of MEN who actually don't like doing it that much. They feel societal pressure to be doing it, but they frankly can't be bothered, don't enjoy it that much, and particularly don't want it to go on for too long. Oh, sure, they like having orgasms - but that can be arranged in 60 seconds in the shower of a morning.

I can think of no other reason why guys would "go off" sex. I don't think at any stage in my entire life since about the age of 12 have I ever "gone off" sex, even for a few days. You can only go off it if you didn't like it much in the first place.

The ideal situation is that such men would marry only women who had the same problem, leaving all the horny hotties free for men who can appreciate them.

Well, a man can dream...

Well, *I* can...

H.

There was an article in a Danish newspaper about how a large amount of UK women prefer vaccum cleaning to sex. I can´t go and look now as the site is down due to the royal divorce. But I guess it is also because some things become routine. There seems to be a bit of pressure on for people to try everything sexually. So if you´ve already done that by the age of 25, it might be a bit difficult to spice it up later on in life.

As for the men, well if the women just lay back and think of England it can´t be that much fun.

Yeah, Hoo, I know that there are men who aren't that interested in sex through personal experience. It is tough being in a relationship where that is the case.

There are also men who don't like women. Fortunately I am usually better at spotting those.

Interesting.

B

Found it. According to Good Housekeeping magazine, 40% out of a thousand female readers would rather vacuum than have sex. Though the fact they read that mag might mean they like vacuuming more than usual to begin with.

I'm sorry....I can't resist....I have to say it....





n i g h t h o o v e r

I have noticed, through observing my immense family's immense and constant upheavals, that when a man or woman says that they don't care for sex much it is sometimes true. But then they weren't up for it much to start with, even in the first flushes of lust and love. However it is more often the case that a person (male or female) doesn't care for sex WITH A PARTICULAR PERSON AT A PARTICULAR TIME. Very simple misunderstandings or problems build into a huge and deeply unerotic mind-block. She doesn't want to have sex because she's recently had a baby, he gets frustrated and nags her, she gets resentful at his crassness and REALLY doesn't want to, he thinks she's a frigid cow and stops fancying her... Or he comes to bed a bit sweaty and smelly and it just turns her off, but she's to worried about hurting his feelings to say 'wash first' so she says she's not in the mood and he never learns he should approach when washed and brushed... Or he goes through a phase of being depressed and very tired, and says no to her a few times, so she feels unwanted and rejected and goes off him because it's horrible to fancy someone who doesn't fancy you back... Or one person has put on weight and the other doesn't like being squashed but really really doesn't want to be the evil person who says 'lose some weight' and compound their partner's self-esteem problems... Or he always asks for sex when she's busy cooking or having ten minutes to herself with a book or has had a bad day because he doesn't know how else to show affection and how else to comfort her... Or she has a hang-up from her childhood and can't bring herself to ask for sex so he feels unfancied.... Or he never ever ever unless nagged half to death helps around the house with the kids and she is holding down a full-time job too and if you resent someone for being selfish you are most certainly NOT going to want to devote time and effort to giving them a good time.

This is why some marriages trundle along in neutral and both have agreed on the 'fact' that she doesn't care for sex and it all goes startlingly bad when she finds someone who does make her feel special and wanted and alive and sexy again instead of frumpy Mum-woman with loo-brush in one hand and iron in other. Or she thinks he's not a lustful chap until he runs off with the colleague who actually talks to him and doesn't treat him like a thing to be hoovered round.

Not wanting sex at all, ever, just because you don't is I think very rare. If your partner has gone off it, you do have to face up to and deal with the likelihood that it is just as much to do with you as them. There are so many otherwise very very nice clever sweet and loving men out there who seem to think 'fancy it tonight love?' is foreplay and smelling of beer and take-away is aphrodisiac and leaving pee on the floor by the loo and not having done any ironing since 1998 will not affect how the wife feels. And there are very very many equally nice clever sweet and frankly randy women out there who turn him down because 'it's the wrong moment' instead of going with the flow and then wonder why he's too grumpy to ask again and then never ask themselves when they're in the mood because 'women don't'. And vice versa - some women are slobby and insensitive, some men are shy and can't do spontaneous quicky very easily.

You are right, of course, Agapanthus.

But I am thinking of the women who don't like performing oral sex at all, ever, for anyone, no no no, and who feel vaguely sorry for gay men having to put up with anal sex, and who simply don't seem to get turned on by anything or anyone.

People *do* have different sex drives, and in relationships where that is the case, then the sorts of problems you discribe compound them horribly.

I was just wondering, really.

B

True, yes, some people don't like even the thought of 'other stuff' and haven't tried anything at all. I had a friend like that at Uni. She thought oral was yuck and anal was vile and would have sooner scrubbed herself with a wire brush than let him give her oral becasue it was 'perverted'. She wasn't very religious (which can be the cause of such reluctances). She'd never done any of the above either. But she did think that showing any enthusiasm for any sort of sex would put a man off (we laughed hysterically) and seemed to think that the sort of man who WANTED you to enjoy it was weird and odd and unmanly. I don't know if this is typical or not.

When I was growing up the teenage girls I lived with (boarding school) were very squeamish and ekkish about sex and such. I had assumed it was being a teenager that caused it. But these women would all be off an age to be married and even with small kids now, so perhaps we just belong to a very very hung-up generation.

Hmmm, well B there is a bit of a difference in not being interested in sex, and not being interested in the more exotic variations of it.

Are the kinds of sex I mentioned exotic?

B

As this thread is inviting women to answer,i thought i just might.......
I have been with my partner for nearly 7yrs now (since i was 16) & at
first we had sex alot....like multiptiple times in a day, anywhere, anytime.....then we calmed down a bit & realised we had very different sex drives. He wanted it everynight, I was has happy with 3/4 times a week!
Having had two babies, one very recently, we have both now adjusted & have got the same sex drive!
The reason for this is he understands & knows i love him, but sometimtimes i AM geniunely too tired. I
love sex, but i'd rather have it when i am giving my all, not just counting the minutes till i can can get some sleep.
Yes, there were times, in the past, when I couldn't stand sex, & no, not just when I was pregnant! But not because i couldn't stand my partner, it was just my hormones, & trust me if i could control them, i would!
But i can't believe that there is
many people out there who genuinely don't LIKE sex at all!
If you have a deep love for some-one then obviously that love is a sexual feeling too, & having sex with them is a wonderful feeling!
I had a friend once who "claimed" she didn't like sex, then after finding her perfect man, turned into a nympho. The reason........love! She loved being with him in every way, & that included sexually.
Anyway, thats my take on it........

As far as I'm concerned exotic sex is doing it in Bora Bora. Everything else is fair game between consenting adults as long as you're not keeping the entire street awake.

To quote Woody Allen when asked "Is sex dirty" he replied "Only when you are doing it right!".

I agree with what has been said above. Sex is such a fundamental drive in humans, like eating and sleeping, that a genuine dislike for sex at any time is the sexual equivalent to anorexia nervosa or insomnia. Very rare I should think.

Donald

Yeah but some people do grow up around those who refer to sex as "dirty" and who wrinkle up their noses when ever it is mentioned.

Most people I know soon totally loose their inhibitions when they get to realise how much fun it actually is. Sadly some people realise how much fun it is but cant shake the convetion of calling it dirty and wrinkling up their noses.

It is perhaps that some women, more than men Id guess just from people I know, feel they ought to respond that they dont like sex.

Women I have grown up with, as opposed to women who are of older generations, are much more likely to admit to enjoying sex. Note the rise in Ann Summers parties. The semi-fabled swining parties of the seventies may have not totally disapeared but a generally more open attitude to sex does exist now.

I do see younger women more likely to talk about bum fun whereas a few years ago such conversations would have meant women leaving the table, room, pub or even transatlantic flight where such a conversation was started up and a night on the sofa for any boyfriend who hung around whether he chipped in or not.



Enough about general opinions.


I have never had a girlfriend who said she didnt like sex. I have had feamale friends who have confided they dont like to be naked in front of men or have gone off sex because of the unkind things ex partners have said to them.

Accordint to some there can be physical reasons for sex not being pleasurable but I find it seems to be personal and social reasons that women say they dont like sex.

one love

Agapanthus, I think you're spot on in your earlier post. The person & the circumstances have got to be right for sex to high on the agenda.

I'm interested that the original question is directed at blokes. How are they supposed to know if a woman doesn't like sex?

In Good Housekeeping I also noticed in the 'agony column' the advice to someone who said she loved her husband but didn't fancy sex - to try & create the mood herself - 'the more you do it, the more you want it'. Anyone care to comment on that?

Well, everyone likes orgasms, (if they have them), and no-one says they don't like sex. In exactly the same way, no-one thinks that they have no sense of humour or that they are a poor judge of character. It is just one of those things that one cannot rationally evaluate in oneself.

>> I'm interested that the original question is directed at blokes. How are they supposed to know if a woman doesn't like sex?

On the slightly heterosexist assumption that they will be trying to have more sex with more women than the women will, and will therefore have formed more opinions about women and sex based on a larger sample size.

>> 'the more you do it, the more you want it'. Anyone care to comment on that?

Yep. I can be celibate for months or even years at a time, and the first few months are bad, the next few months are dull, and after that it is ok but bo-o-o-o-o-ring. But once I start again - think knives, think rabbits. I suspect that a lot of women are like this - I certainly know a lot who are.

B

A few points on your last post, Ben:

"Well, everyone likes orgasms"

Don't *think* I can argue with that one...

", (if they have them)"

Aha. Now you're talking...

", and no-one says they don't like sex."

Maybe not to YOU. I've definitely heard people say they don't like sex. Note: not that they don't like having sex with their current partner, but that they actually do not like sex, full stop. This to me is like saying you can't see the point of reading books - it's a viewpoint so fundamentally removed from anything I even understand that I have no rational response to it and tend therefore to go completely silent in the face of it. (Imagine that, if you can...)

"In exactly the same way, no-one thinks that they have no sense of humour"

May I direct you to the personal space of our h2g2's resident racist death-threat issuer, Adelaide, formerly Della, the Catwoman? Wherein she specifically says, apropos of nothing in particular, that she is a "serious, almost humourless person."

"or that they are a poor judge of character."

I believe myself to be a terrible judge of character. I tend to think the best of people and treat them far too well even long after the point that they've proven themselves to be complete scumbags. In many ways, I am a soft touch. It's a fault, but I'd rather be that way than the opposite, I think.

I think...

H.

Well, Adeleide. Proves the point, rather.

a scumbag called Ben