h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The wizard, suddenly realizing that he was still on the clock, and that in the scene or not, the Danish Royal Family was still his employer, began a long rambling fable in a vain attempt to tie large breasted females into the dastardly plot to force every person in Belgium to sing 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' backwards and in E-major whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding unicycles made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage.

The boy, laughing uproariously, shook his head and denied everything, telling the wizard "Beißen Sie meine Rolle Rochen, Pervert!"

The Danish King rolled his eyes and...

...The wizard, knowing that the king's fear of giant gumdrops with computer monitors in them, conjured up an iMac. The king curled up into the fetal position and the boy did the same, for he was afraid the wizard was going to turn his eyballs into strawberries again. The boy did not need to worry about that, it was a lime iMac. The wizard, wondering if the boy was again insulting him in that throat-wrenching language known as "German", went back to BabelFish and translated the guttural noises. "Lessee...it says 'Bite my roller skates'...and he did call me a pervert..." muttered the wizard, his mind racing to think of a way to punish the boy without clashing with the iMac. "Aha!" exclaimed the wizard. And the boy's eyes were turned into limes. "That ought to teach you to insult me in German!" said the wizard. And then he made the iMac disappear, so the king would regain conciousness...

...with him, the boy.

However, just as the boy woke up, his medical plan pointed out that three changes in prescription within two days wasn't allowed, and THEY weren't going to pay for it.

The boy threw a tantrum, upsetting the lawyers who had come to examine the young lady's recording contract. As every one was shouting at once, the boy crawled out of the overcrowded jailcell and made his way to the lobby. He hailed a passing cruise ship and sailed for Jamaica, crying delicious lime tears into his pina colada.

Meanwhile, back at the park...

Aahhhh, the park.

Remember the park?

The oak tree... the happy dogs and children?

Who are even now being angrily questioned by a construction worker named Biff who keeps asking about someone named Tallulah?

Yes... that park.

But suddenly, out from behind the oak tree steps...

Three blind mice, who proceed to chase after the farmer's wife but, seeing the boy's lime eyes, decide they are in the mood for citrus fruits so they...

...write up an ad to put in the classifieds for some lemonade, but accidentally mail themselves to New Guinea instead.

The happy dog bites Biff in a particularly private spot, making Biff temporarily forget about Tallulah, and making the dog for some reason think of breakfast sausage.

A private detective raises his head from a nearby dumpster, looks around, and...

Sees a passing woman.. or is it a man..? 'Hmm..' he thinks, 'she.. or is it a he? Looks familiar.. now where do I know her.. or is it him? from?'
The stranger was walking along wailing 'My boy.. My boy.. only he can be responsible for this outrageous affront to my body.. only he would steal my internal organs.. alas.. alack.. It's a good job I've been shacked up with that Ladyboy these past few weeks and that I was able to have his organs inserted into me..'
Good Grief thought the Detective...

I've wandered into a Truman Capote story and didn't even know it!

Just then Biff noticed the passing stranger and gave a loud cry. "Tallulah!" he yelled, "Where are you going? Why did you leave me to raise our three gerbils by myself?"

The detective immediately canceled his book club membership, and the passing man/woman uttered a loud curse, made a rude remark about co-dependant twits trying to run his life and ran down the street towards...

the donut shop. For as you all know, cops love donuts...
While the detective was enjoying his donuts, the man/woman wandered off in a huff (where he/she got a huff is anyone's guess) and happened to meet woman/man. They fell in love instantly are were married later that day. The detective brought donuts.
After the wedding the detective...

...imploded. This was the universe's way of getting back at him for bringing donuts to a wedding. You may well ask "what is the universe doing imploding people?". Contrary to popular belief, the universe does have sensibilities and the do occaisonally get offended to the point where it feels it has to step in. Also, it had just come back from a great multiversal party and was a bit tipsy.

While the man/woman and woman/man were arguing over which one was going to change their name, the universe succumbed to that pleasant alcohol induced post party glow and crawled off to the corner for a quick nap.

This had absolutely no effect on the newspaper headline, which boldly proclaimed the exciting story of three blind mice who had gotten extremely rich selling lemonade in New Guinea.

Meanwhile, the dog...

growing tired of the constant bickering between the man/woman and woman/man, attacked both of them. The dog, whom we shall call Stupid, then decided to head to New Guinea to search for the "Three Blind Mice'. After all the truth is out there.

Upon arriving in New Guinea, Stupid enters a local bar. He speaks to the bartender "Pardon me but I'm looking for the Three Blind Mice and yes I can speak."

The bartender looking dumbfounded at the talking dog, replies....

"I dunno where they are, but if you find them I'd be obliged if you'd tell me where. They sold me this here 'grapefruit juice' and it turns out to be some kind of salty lime juice. Nasty stuff, I tell ya. Couldn't sell a piña colada with this crud. My sister's always saying---"

The dog wandered out the door leaving the bar tender to splutter on. Just as he stepped into the daylight he spied...

...a mauve weasel singing 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' backwards and in E-major whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding a unicycle made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage, which reminded him of Biff, so he bit the bartender instead.

The insurance salesman with the yellow umbrella, watching from the corner, smiled grimly, pulled out a cellphone and dialed...

911, but mistakenly dialed 912. The answering machine there began listing options, so he pulled up a barrel, propped his feet up and began listening for the number he was supposed to push for Ambulance Chasers Anonymous sign-up division. Meanwhile, the dog...

settled down with a bone....

While Stupid enjoyed his bone, the THREE BLIND MICE were up to no good.
It seems that they had gone to New Guinea to establish an International Pokemon Counterfiting Ring as well as an International Smuggling ring for the rare Salty Lime Juice.

Stupid still enjoyed his bone.

The Three Blind Mice established themselves as the TBM Crime Sindicate with the Wizard as the Crime Lord. As his first official act of the new Crime Lord, the Wizard ordered a hit on...

...Roger Moore.
“’Octopussy’ was dreadful.” the wizard muttered.
Suddenly a police box materialized in one corner of the room.
“I’m a Crime Lord!” the wizard shouted, “not a Time Lord!”
“Sorry!” a voice said from within the police box, which promptly disappeared.
“Now, what was I going to do next?” the wizard asked himself.

"Oh yes, I remember..." he said and waved his hand in a wizardly fashion. Suddenly he was standing in a luxurious suite with soft lighting and music, and a large canopy bed. On the bed lay a mauve weasel wearing a french maid's uniform and holding a pizza.

"Hé le grand garçon, prennent des pepperoni tandis qu'I nettoient votre patin de rouleau magique.." she whispered huskily.

"Oh fardwarks!" thought the wizard, "I forgot to bring..."

my english french dictionary - for all Iknow she could be the cleaning maid who has stumbled.. or something...