This is the Message Centre for Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 921

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

A man dashes into a nearby pub and asks for a double brandy, at which he downs it in one.
The landlord asks if he's ok and had he had an accident or something ?
The man replies no! but my car broke down in a lane close-by and as I'm looking under the bonnet at the engine, a voice says it's your carburettor at fault.
I look up and around and there's no one there ? I look again at the engine and the voice says again says it's your carburettor!
The only living thing near me is a horse ? sheepishly I ask, was it you ? and the horse said yep!
A talking horse! I needed a brandy fast.
The landlord asked the gentleman, what colour was the horse ?
The chap said a light tan with long hair over it's head.
The barman said ah! that's ok! If it had been a dark tan horse, he don't know the first thing about cars


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 922

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

with no disrespect to any German or brit intended of coursesmiley - smiley


One day, a German General was conducting a visit to a forward front-line staging post, when a German soldier was shot by a British sniper on the hill above the area.
The General shouted a command to send a squad up the hill to remove the sniper, at this, a squad went up the hill and there was the sound of gunfire, but no soldier/s returned.
So the General ordered a detachment up the hill, again loads of gunfire and the odd explosion and yet again after a while, not one German soldier came back.
The general was fuming as why a British sniper couldn't be "removed", so he sent a battalion to take the hill.
A smokescreen cover was laid down and the battalion charged up the hill, heavy fighting was heard and machine-gun, rifle fire was heard, plus the explosions of hand-grenades. But! once again, as it went quiet, no one came back down the hill.
Now! The General was seething and ordered the Luftwaffe to fly over and bomb the area on the other side of the hill, bombs dropped, explosions and rifle fire and silence.
This was not acceptable and was undermining troop morale, so he sent the Africa Corps consisting of mainly Panzer and Tiger Tanks, including 88mm cannons and various accompanying armour etc to attack the sniper.
Hours went by and once again, nothing came back over the hill.
The General had no alternative now, than to send the entire Western Front German Force over the hill and finish it!
After about 2 hours of constant battle noises etc, one solitary soldier staggered down the hill and saluted to the General and I have to report Herr General, the British fooled us - there were 2 of them


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 923

Reality Manipulator

Q: What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
A: I have my eye on you.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: Hang onto your leaves, this will be no ordinary breeze.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 924

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

*THREE KICK RULE*
-----------------------
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back & forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
*(I love this part)*
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
--------------------------------------
*MORAL:*
---------
*When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.*
*When you're intelligent, you'll know which half.*


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Post 925

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

The mention of cowpies reminded me of this joke:

A politician was looking for votes in a remote area where the voters spoke very little English. A translator worked with him to help the voters understand what he was saying.

"I promise you peace and prosperity," he said.

"Oom golla golla," the voters said in unison.

"I will lower your taxes," he continued.

"Oom golla golla" they chanted again.

"I will work to help you get the government beneits you are entitled to."

"Oom golla golla" was the reaction again.

"Okay, now how do I get to the reception hall?" he asked the lopcal organizer.

"The shortest way is through this cow pasture, but be careful not to step in the oom golla golla."


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 926

Reality Manipulator

Where does Doctor Who buy his cheese?
At a dalek-atessen !


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Post 927

Reality Manipulator

smiley - sorrysmiley - biro

Where does Dr Who buy her cheese ?
At a dalek-atessen !


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 928

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

Seeing two Dr Who jokes in a row -- almost identical -- seemed like deja vu. I went through it once, and then owl over again.


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 929

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

2 "camp" guys were arriving at the local fairground and one said "lets go on the speedway" the other replied "oh no I can't ! You know I get dizzy going round and round very fast"
Your no fun are you! Ooh look! the waltzer, I haven't been on one of those for years, lets go on that eh ?
I can't go on that, you know how things like that make me sort of sea-sick smiley - ill
Well! your the life and soul of a party aren't you.
Ok then! how about the flying chairs ? surely you can go on those ?
HAVE you forgot that I can't stand heights ?
I just don't know why we are together ? because you don't take part in anything I like and I don't know why I brought you to the fair. Well! I'M going on the flying chairs nad off he goes.
After going round a few times, all of a sudden! His chain breaks and his chair goes whizzing over the fairground and crashes in a nearby field, lying there dazed, his partner runs up and is shouting "Cedric! Cedric! are you hurt ?
HURT! HURT! of course I'm HURT! I waved to you 4 times and you never waved back once...


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 930

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom having sex with a very beautiful woman.
“You s.o.b.” she yelled. “How can you cheat me - faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”
And the husband replied “Wait a minute love, I can explain you what happened.”
“Fine, right on,” she said, “but this will be the last conversation between us!”
And the husband began: “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked to join me. She looked so sad and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for two days! So, in my mercy, I brought her home and warmed up the meatballs I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. She ate them in seconds.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was having that I tossed out her dirty and full of holes clothes. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your birthday present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the luxury boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the exact same.”
Man took a quick breath and continued: “She was so grateful for my help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … do you have anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 931

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

A blonde who wanted to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”
The blonde said: “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband: “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?
“The man replied: “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $40.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

smiley - pirate


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 932

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

Many years ago, sailors would collect guano from islands and take it to England to sell as fertilizer. They would store it in bales in the hold. The old wooden ships used to leak, and when these bales got wet, they emitted a methane gas. When the sailors went to check on the cargo they would light a candle, which caused an explosion. It was decided to stow these bales higher up, where they could not get wet, so the bales were marked stow high in transport. Which was abbreviated to s.h.i.t
True story


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Post 933

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

Miss Aso Lemnis liked to sing in church, though she could not kyrie tune.


[Missa Solemnis = Miss Aso Lemnis]


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Post 934

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

Her curry tuna was excellent, though smiley - drool

smiley - pirate


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Post 935

Reality Manipulator

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him sacked.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One part of the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."


Jest'er Joke or two, to pass the time away

Post 936

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

I knew a sleuth who rarely managed to solve murder cases. Undeterred, he opened a defective agency.


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Post 937

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, an American, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian walk into a bar and the bouncer says: "Sorry I can't let you in without a Thai."

smiley - pirate


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Post 938

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

A Thai came in and baht a drink.


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Post 939

Reality Manipulator

What bird can write?
A Pen-guin

Why did the turkey join the band?
He had the drumsticks.

What do you get if you cross a cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So that he can go HOE HOE HOE.

What did the cow get for Christmas?
A COW-culator

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Mary and Abbey
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Irish
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!


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Post 940

The Liquid Warrior (Vescere bracis meis)

Did you hear about the thief that stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days.


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