h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This particular activity is best left to the locals and even then, it is certainly better not to watch. It is also advisable to ignore any 200ft drops on either side of buses, turn a blind eye to gargantuan oncoming trucks as they hurtle towards your vulnerable rickshaw and completely forget about the fact that your driver has never had anything resembling a driving lesson and is probably well into his second flask of whisky.

As far as etiquette goes, it seems that anything is acceptable as long as it is accompanied by several loud blasts of whatever is going by the name of a horn on your particular mode of transport. This may include overtaking on a hairpin bend halfway up a mountain; diving between oncoming cars before swerving to dodge a camel or running over dogs - the list is endless, but all OK with a couple of honks before, during and after the manoever to the grating background of Hindi film music. Oh, and it seems compulsory to laugh after such stunts - the more dangerous, the more raucous the laughter.

Most Indian road users appear to follow a Highway Code of sorts. It has one rule: give way to anything bigger than you.

Hence pedestrians and rickshaws give way to cars, cars give way to enormous trucks, and so on.

Except for cows: everyone gives way to cows because lots of people in India think they are sacred and therefore will avoid running them over at all costs, even if that means turning into the path of an oncoming enormous truck.

A friend of mine gave way to a cow on a scooter (he was on the scooter, not the cow) - unfortunately, the road didn't give way for him and he hurt his leg, which is interesting.

Cows are sacred in some places agreed. But a cow is , lets face it a big animal. And if your car hits the cow - your car is going to face a lot of damage and the mess that would be created on the road is not going to be funny. The following are 5 good reasons to give way to a cow on the road.

1. Your car will probably get smashed pretty well.
2. Cows dont have insurance numbers which you can use while filing accident claims
3. The owner of the cow will probably demand a hefty sum from you
4. The SPCA will brand you cow killer or cow hurter
5. An angry cow will use its horn in a much better way than you could ....

So.....

Giving cows right of way is good advice. The only problem is that many drivers on Indian roads exhibit an impressive array of bovine characteristics. Use of horns is just one of them. The advice is therefore to broaden the definition of cows and give right of way to all forms of street life. This does slow down physical progress but it has a salubrious effect on extending ones life expectancy. Should defensive driving not be to your liking then the only way out is to, well, hoof it.

[Firstly and explanation of my name - The Beast is a creature purporting to be an Enfield Bullet which deigns to provide me with transport whenever work or holiday takes me to India.]

When I first started driving in India in 1987 I quickly discovered this basic rule and found it best summed up by a rephrasing of the old rule of the sea:
"Power gives way to NOTHING."

However there is an exception. This rule does not hold true for "circles" (roundabouts). On a circle the fastest vehicle, or that being driven by a driver with closed eyes, has right of way.

Of course, it is not necessary to drive the correct way around a traffic circle at all, especially if one is driving a small vehicle (rickshaw, cycle) and it would be too much effort to proceed the corrcet way around. This applies whether one's eyes are shut or not. It is also not necessary to be in possession of a fully functioning vehicle with brakes, gears, or tyres that meet any kind of international safety standard. As the great Bengali poet Quazi nazrul islam might have said, "The tyre is melodious because it is hollow inside...."

You definitely want a 500 Export Bullet, those 350's just don't cut it up hills, and there is an advantage in India of having the fastest vehicle on the road, as Oddball says in 'Kelly's Heroes' ; "I like to think we can get out of trouble quicker 'n we got into it"