h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer
and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some
nuclear weapons but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

People who drink "light" beer don't like the taste of beer; they
just
like to pee alot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
--Anon

I never drink anything stronger than Jack Daniels before breakfast.
--Kondrak

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder
--Anon

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
--Charles Bukowski

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
--Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are
drinking Barry Manilow.
--Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons
a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
--Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and
find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
--A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a
pig wouldn't eat.
--David Geary

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
--Edward Abbey

Put it back in the horse!
--H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he
drank his first American beer at a bar.
*See the guide entry on Beer in the USA for the story of why American beer in Smith's time sucked.

American Beer is like making love in a boat...
...f***ing close to water

-unknown editor


With him/her is lost hopps and malt
-german dictum, saying someone is a looser

Elsewhere on h2g2 I've seen the first quote in slightly different form (canoe, not boat) attributed to Monty Python, but I can't vouch for the validity of MP as its originator.
The second one is new to me, thanks for posting it.
By the way, are there any Brits (or others) who have heard the saying "Life is not all cake and ale."? I found it in a dictionary of sayings, and I love it, but I'd be interested to know if it's still in common usage.

Yes, canoe is correct. I changed it, so everybody might understand it.
As, I'm not "MP himself", I don't know either who invented it.

Some more:

don't drink beer before the clock rang four
-bavarian (with the result, there are watches with 12 4s...)

in between liver and MILZ, always fits a Pils
(Milz= german word for the white organ, where 'leucocytes' are produced,
Pils=Pilsener, type of beer)
-german rhyme

Hopfen und Malz, Gott erhalt's
-german rhyme for brewers (may God save our hopps and malt)

that canoe quote is from MP live show in the US..

There are no ugly women - only a lack of vodka.
-Russian proverb

Some weasel stole the cork from my lunch.

W.C Fields