h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

sorry but its 1039, please forgive me




Once upon a time nothing relating to this story happpened but a lot sooner and closer to home, something did happen, it didn’t seem to be important at the time but it was more important than anything ever in history, it would forever change the course of mankind forever.

It started with a pie, not any pie, a cheese pie, it came out of the oven, looking like any other pie, but this was better than any other pie ever baked, the bakers all stood and stared at it in amazement, it was something nobody had ever seen before, it was perfect, it was the best pie baked in all of history, it was golden, smooth, perfectly round, not a bit of pastry flaking off. They all stared at it with wide open eyes, they had never seen anything like this before, all seven bakers stared and stared, then one said something, “I want it” words that would change the world more than “that’s ones small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”

The other bakers couldn’t accept that, they couldn’t accept that one person should get the pie and that the others did not, they started to argue, they started pushing each other around, then they took it outside, and started fighting, when one had come victorious they all went inside to see him eat it, but it had gone, somebody had come and eaten it, but who? The bakers blamed each other for the pies disappearance, but they were all still mad, they each started a faction.

They found a place to make their domain, and their they called for people from far and wide to seek revenge on the other bakers, they found a country they could each call home, and there, they sharpened weapons of war. For months on end, they built their armies, made weapons and trained, they trained until they could fight with their eyes closed, but so did all the other armies, they were all soldiers, the bakers were more commanders than bakers now.

After two months, each side had an army which totaled the whole population of Earth, showing that people really care about cheese pies, they all marched down to battle valley, there they made their stand, they had archers and swordsmen, the archers where well hidden but had a good view, all armies where the same, they all got in position, the swordsmen had thick armor to protect from arrows, but the arrows were to be lit of fire, to cause I painful burning death. They where to barbaric to use guns.

Thing were looking bad, people who were bakers, were now vicious soldiers, and men who just enjoyed the average pie, now were fighting to the death for a pie they had only ever heard of. They had truly let the pie go straight go to their heads, the problem was that this was not normal behavior, they were not thinking like rational human beings, there was of course a truly logical explanation for every bit of this.

It was setup from the beginning. The pie that was brought out of the oven that day, was not meant to be there, it was put there, it was an evil doing by the one and only Satan, he switched pies when nobody was looking, even God, and when the humans saw it, they could not act normal, they loved that pie, they couldn’t do anything but drool over it, and this is what happened when they described it to people, after the pie was baked, Satan quickly stole it to make the humans angry, so that they would fight, so that Gods greatest achievement ever would be destroyed, this would annoy him a lot, and also Satan would get all the human souls because they committed a sin before they died.

Up in heaven God was hitting himself over the head for being so stupid, “Why did I think that they would keep believing in me? Why didn’t I make the universe so that I could do more stuff? Why did I ever let Satan come into existence? Why haven’t I fought him yet?” God was getting really annoyed.

Then he hit himself extremely hard because he just realized what he could do, but because he hit himself so hard, the thought was lost out of all existence, then he had another thought, and this time didn’t hit himself. He would be able to change the way the universe was made, all he had to do was change it, he did this, and entered the universe, he was very disappointed with his creation. “Should have just played with that ant farm.” he thought to himself, he traveled to the planet earth, pretending that he didn’t see his other pathetic life forms he had created.

As he arrived at the planet earth, he saw the whole population getting ready to totally wipe each other out over some confusion with a pie, He flew down to Earth and possessed the body of one the soldiers, He stood in the center of all the soldiers, and yelled out, “My friends…” this was the end of this human, as about 50 arrows flew right into him, God left the body very quickly, and very quietly cursed his own name.

He needed to think of something quick, the armies were almost ready. He could just see Satan’s face, laughing down at Him, damn, I’m a failure, my son was a real failure, he got killed after twenty five years, least I’m over thirteen billion years old, but what is the point of being alive for so long if all that I created was this rubbish. God shook his head “no!” I will not sit back and let this happen, I must do something, it’s my job, I must.

God suddenly knew what to do, first he would need everybody’s attention, so he quickly took control of the clouds, rubbed them together and with one mighty push and all his concentration, he created the biggest thunder bolt ever before seen, unfortunately, it electrocuted everybody and everybody died. “God damn it I suck at this” god said and flew back to heaven to try again.