h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So far it's been pretty good - the weather - apart from an invasion of ladybirds and a couple of days where, if you opened your mouth incautiously you'd get a mouthful of flying ants - has been great, and I'm nicely tanned without having to have tried.

The lads are working all hours - Son no 1 is saving madly to emigrate to Australlia next spring - or at least go there for 6 months for a Walkabout with a view to emigrating, anyway, and Son no 2 is just saving madly because he likes money. Both are doing Alright with a capital A.

I've had more visitors than I can count. Big Jan - not so big now, she's dropped 3 dress sizes from last year and still decreasing stayed most of last week, managing yet again to inadvertantly time her stay to see the local Summer Carnival on Saturday. The last few have been absolutely dire, but this year I think the organisers took the hint and the participants really got into the swing of things a lot more this time and it actually *was* well worth having a few friends (and a few contributory bottles of vino) around to hang out of my living room window and hurl pennies at the floats.

And this year, Wendy and I *didn't get a Talking to by the local constabulory for being rottern aims

Well... if I'd have aimed for his silly hat I'd never have hit it; it was Just One Of Those Things.

We went to Howletts Zoo last week - it really is a great place for a good day out
(note to self: see if H2's got an entry on it; if it hasn't, have a think about doing one)

Of course, my favourites, the Tigers were what I really went to see, and they've got several varieties there - Siberian, Sumatrian and Bengali, and boy, they are HUGE. They're such magnificent creatures, I could spend a day watching them lounge around and remain entranced...

but I must admit, I was well impressed when the big black rhino trotted over to the front of his enclosure and I really was within 10 feet of him - I never thought the word "cute" could ever be applied to something that has 2 whacking great kerotine horns on its face,and weighs in excess of a ton but... he was a real cutie. I swear he winked at me!

There was loads to see and to do - we "Walked with Lemurs" and the temptation to pick one and stroke it was immense - they've got such a wonderful thick, fluffly coat and they're beautiful; they also have nice long claws, so I resisted temptation. There were Bison and Buffaloes, Kudus and Bongos, any amount of deer... oh, all sorts.

Snakes...pythons and boas and other long thin wriggly lads. I can't get excited about snakes. I've held a baby boa constrictor before now and that was enough for me, thank you soo much

And then there was the Ape Houses. Howletts primary aim is to increase the animal population to prevent exinction, and they have a fair population of apes, including a silver back Gorilla. Great big placid old boy he was, wearing his big black biker gloves on hands and feet.

Spent ages watching them play - I think it would be a long time before I tired of watching the youngsters and the adolescent apes play and torment and lollop around before swinging from bar to bar and pole dance down the rope swings.

Add to that a nice picnic lunch, warm, but not scorching weather and it was one of the most pleasant days of the year so far.

Well; it was until we got back home - there was a message on the house phone; it was mum's neighbours. Apparently she'd fainted whilst she was talking to them in her garden. Fortunately, they're really good neighbours, and have her door key, so whilst the husband went in to see to mum, his wife called an ambulance, which came quite promptly. The paramedics checked her over - all systems working fine, and she refused to go to hospital.

Obviously, I rang her as soon as I'd learnt all this, and she reckons she didn't faint, just stumbled a bit and the neighbours were making too much of a fuss

I offered to go up, but again, I got a "no thanks"

(apparently I wasn't being terribly comforting asking her questions and I didn't really care about her anyway - look at the time it had taken me to phone her! Typical! I'm never in anyway, etc etc)

.... but I will go up this week and see what she's doing that might have caused her to faint. Frankly, I don't think she drinks enough - well, *some liquids she drinks far too much of, but I'm talking about nice cool, clear, water. In this hot weather, 2 cups of tea and a mug of coffee in 24 hours just isn't enough! (It's not enough even when the weather's cold) - the only water she drinks is if it's diluting her whiskey!

But you didn't hear me say that

It's so vexing though - I've done all I can to get a local support system for her - Jan lives locally and had volunteered ages ago to take mum food shopping and give her a hand in the house, but mum conveniently forgets that. The local vicar is (apparently) keeping an eye on her, and her local GP is aware of her situation and reluctance to go and visit him. Short of moving in with her (which I really couldn't cope with) there is little I *can do - the offer of help and support is there, but she won't accept it from me.

I should add she's lost over a stone in the last 6 months without any intention, and she really does look like a sad old lizard lately; that probably sounds quite cruel, but that's what comes to mind - she looks desicated and scaley and somehow grubby lately. It's a worry.

Ah well.

And finally.....

I finally collected something called a CPAP machine to try out to help me with the Sleep Apnoea - you have to velcro a mask, which covers the nose and mouth, onto the head, and then plug in a corrugated hose pipe into the machine, which blows a continuous stream of nice cool air into the nose and mouth, thus keeping the airways either completely clear, or at least *sort of* clearer.

I look like a cybermnan and feel like a monster, and I scared the life out of the lads when they came into the living room to check their e mails, and saw "this weird silhouette and blue lights flashing and that snorkel things gurgling and bubbling" whilst I was sleeping in the spare bed last week.

(Me? I was utterly sparko asleep, so it didn't bother me!)

The difference was absolutely amazing - I now wake refreshed, cheerful and best of all, on the planet. I'd almost claim to be alert first thing - and that's something that hasn't happened much in the last few years I can tell you

I'm not sure how it's going to affect my private life; it's hardly condusive to romance, but it may well raise a few laughs. We'll have to see, won't we? If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined!

Just back from 2 solid days of Mother; I don't know whether to laugh some of the inanities off or howl to the moon frankly.

I've done what I can; I damned near recrippled myself mowing her lawn in the back garden, but actually hoeing up the moss and stray grass and babies tears from between the paving stones in the patio and garden path was vetoed "because it looks pretty"

"Yes, but when it's damp and slippery and if you feel a bit unsteady mum, it's probably quite a good idea to make sure there's nothing to slip on"

"What do you think I am? Stupid? I'm not like you, clumsy enough to fall"

And so it went on. She feels she'd benefit from a Granny mobile (one of those motorised scooters). Fair enough.

"Where will you keep it, mum?"
"In the hall, of course"
"How will you get it up the front path and front door steps?"
"Lift it over, of course"
"Mum, they're pretty heavy, you know. If you can lift them, then in honesty you probably don't really need one"
"Oh. Well then, I'll keep it in the garage"
"You do know that their battery needs recharging, don't you? Is there a electric point in the garage that you could use to recharge it?"
"Of COURSE there isn't! Anyway, I won't be going far in it, it won't need recharging that much"
"I think - I'm not sure, but I think they do around 12 miles between rechargings"


And so on - many, many circular and hopeless discussions of this sort of ilk. Constantly.

Obviously, there are solutions to the Mobility Scooter thing - get ramps put in up the front path and hall way, for example, but mum isn't willing to put up with the temporary inconvenience whilst they're being built. And in truth, she's pretty mobile; she needs the scooter purely to carry the shopping, really, not to get her from A to B.

And *that's solvable, too - but she isn't willing to accept the neighbours' or Jan's offer of taking her supermarket shopping once weekly; she's entrenched in the habit of buying little and often once or twice every other day, "to give me something to do"

She's screaming for attention and help, but she's insisting it's all on her terms. Real life isn't like that - it's compromise, it's communication. It's a bit of give and take and working around problems, and counting your wins instead of brooding over the occasional losses.

She's nearly 79. And inside that elderly body is a samll, frightened and very angry child still throwing tantrums in order to force life to be fair according to how she honestly thinks Life Should Be.

I'd say I give up. But the daft old besom has a deaf and athritic JackRussel/Fox Terrier cross breed - and they arn't noted for being altruistic, generally speaking, and, unfortunately, a daughter.

Which is me.

And I don't choose the option of giving up, even though I'm not very happy drawing the short straw, really. But thats the way it is for the time being. it's just going to take patience (which I have loads of) and energy (which I don't) That's 50% I can work on, anyway.



I must have been *really* awful in a previous life.

I'm *definately coming back as a tom cat next time around