h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

BORED MIKE

{Richard is talking, assuming the guise of the narrator.}

Narrator: And now on BBC One the start of a brand new science fiction series starring Paul McGann as Doctor Why.

Mike: I beg your pardon?

Narrator: I said that a new television series starring Paul McGann was about to start, called Doctor Why.

Mike: Oh, that's strange.

Narrator: What is? The fact that you've woken up off the floor after a bad cheese expeience and are hallucinating about me, the Narrator sitting in you chair talking to you or the fact that it's an entirely new television series rip-off of Doctor Who?

Mike: I think it was the last one, hang on? What are you doing sitting in my chair?

Narrator: This isn't your chair. This is mine, this is armchair theatre and this is my armchair no go back to wherever you came from stranger, I have a show to do!

Mike: Hang on! This is my living room, I am where I should be?

Narrator: Remember old chap you're hallucinating. Vicious Combo of Mollsarella, Camebert and Gorgonzola.

Mike: But I had a McMike Burger.

Narrator: I'm talking about your feet, mate. When did you last change those socks?

Mike: Those aren't my socks.

Narrator: What are you doing wearing other peoples socks?

Mike: I don't know? I'm hallucinating, remember? Perhaps I should open a window?

{He crosses over from the room and pulls open the window and immediately foul fumes filter through the room.}

Mike: Oh yes, now I remember it's the Fourteenth of June, two thousand and three and I wanted some air so I opened the window, fell back by the pong and started hallucinating!

TV: We interrupt this broadcast to give you latest news from our beloved leader: Stainless Steel Rat. Yes, since he conquered the Kingdom of the Boards, we, his citizens in New Rodent Land have had to endure the vast piles of rotten cheese lying in the streets.
Ah yes and here we see our great leader addressing the microphone, I do believe he's going to say something?

SSR: BBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

{Immediately people start to mindlessly clap.}

Narrator: Come on you, salute him!

Mike: Why are you still here? I thought hallucinations dispersed after reality sunk in?

Narrator: You thought wrong Mate!

Mike: It's Mike actually. If only someone would stand up against that rat but who am I but a lowly worker, working for Master Penny in his Penny Farthing factory.

Narrator: Ah but you could have been so much more?

Mike: You mean I could have been.... a licker of stamps?

Narrator: No. Look at the box.

{Mike stares hard at it but the Narrator shakes his head.}

Narrator: Not that one in the corner but the television. Look at the television. What do you see?

Mike: A black box with some buttons and a funny, curcly metal thing on top.

Narrator: {Sighs} No, the pictures on the television.

Mike: How do you get to say sighs with those funny curved things in front of them.

Narrator: Brackets.

Mike: No need to be course.

Narrator: Just look at the screen. See that. People suffering... crying out for a hero to rid them of mountains of foul smelling cheese, of rats in government.

Mike: I thought they were always like that?

Narrator: To wipe the big cheesy grin of that Stainless Steel Rat! Do you see a connection?

Mike: No, not really but now I have to get ready, I going to be hit in the face with mouldy cheese in five minutes. It's my turn today and I can't talk to to hallucinations right now, if I'm late I have to go and lick my feet and you know how hard that will be?

Narrator: All right perhaps later?

SUBTITLE: LATER.

Mike: What's that word doing, floating there in the air for?

Narrator: Perhaps you're hallucinating still?

{Mike is covered from head to toe in rotten cheese.}

Mike: Yes perhaps I am but at least I got my work done and all for these fresh chunks of Edam.

Narrator: Fresh?

Mike: Well they were to begin with but now they're ever so dusty.

{Lance takes over as voice over for TV}

TV: And now for two special announcements, One our great leader orders that all cheese be collected for a bitter winter ahead and that two revol..revolv... two rebels are still on the run. Lancelot Baylis and Nibbles- an Otter. They are dangerous, well the Otter is and are not to approached even if they approach you- do not!

Mike: Wow! Look at those two go? I never knew an Otter could run faster than a man?

Narrator: Yes but look at them Cheeseman, you could be like them?

Mike: What? Running?

Narrator: No, you could be someone instead of having cheese chucked at you. You could smarten yourself up, tidy yourself and make a stand against the world?

Mike: What- you mean become a follower of glorious Rat?

Narrator: Give me strength as well as substance?

Mike: I'm not sure the ceiling can do that or hear you forthat matter?

Narrator: You could be like those two- defenders against evil!

Mike: I could be but I've got cheese to stock-pile.

{Just then there's a heavy knock on the door.}

Penny: Let me in Cheeseman!

Mike: My name is Mike, not Cheeseman.

{Pulls open the door and inside is Martin.}

Mike: What are you doing in there?

Penny: Waiting for you Cheeseman to open the door.

Mike: But I'm not Cheeseman?

Penny: I'll be the judge of that! Now as you know- Our beloved Leader has called in all cheese deposits and since your my favourite lackey and all I need your cheese, Cheese-covered man- hence Cheeseman!

Mike: But you can't do this? What will I have to live off? And why are you doing this?

Penny: I can't answer you because I'm a cameo role in this story despite being a stereo-typical Dickensian Manager straight out of Oliver! I am evil in this context, the typical Penny Farthing evil business with all profits going to the big cheese annd all the cheese for me!

Mike: I feel like saying something witty? I'm really cheesed off!

Penny: You aren't but you will be Mr Cheeseman! Farewell then I would get my cheese but I'm right out of time now.

{The door opens of its own accord? And Martin wanders out.}

Mike: I must be hallucinating? That door opened of its own accord.

Narrator: Back then- did you see it?

Mike: Of course I did and still can. It is how I get out of this flat, you know?

Narrator: No. You could have say pulled that top hat off his bonce reversed it on him and say something witty? You are good, feel it inside you?

Mike: Look, you're just a hallucination from the television and nothing more!

TV: No he isn't.

Mike: Oh Fanta! No the television's talking to me.

TV: I said three words.

Mike: Now you've said four words! And that's too much for me!

TV: And now our glorious leader is ready to say something else, probably another belch so be ready.

SSR: Goot Evenik my vair people, now zhat vinter approaches Cheese vill be saved from eatink. It vill be brought to mine Kastle vhere you thools will all have to die of starvation! Bwahahahahahaha!
Oh yes ante Captain Painter, ze only one here who dared schtop mine Master plan vill be imprisoned forever!

TV: The world needs a hero Mike, will you take up the challenge?

Mike: No, I have to stock-pile my cheese reserves and take them to the castle and then of starvation.

TV: It's pathetic, isn't it?

Narrator: What? This story or him as he is now?

TV: Both. What we need is for him to be be turned to the light side?

Narrator: Yes, that's it. Mike you have to be turned to the light side.

TV: Oh God- Subtle as ever?

Mike: Look I'm busy thinking about dying for the sake of our glorious leader.

TV: He's a rodent!

Narrator: He's a rat!

TV: That's the same thing.

Mike: No, no you're lying. He is our glorious leader!

TV: Actually I think he's all three but he is evil and you Cheeseman are good.

Mike: I am.

Narrator: Yes... you are Cheeseman!

Mike: I'm not Cheeseman. I'm Mike.

TV: I bet that rat calls you Cheesman? And Mr Penny too!

Mike: NO! I am Mike Mulls!

Narrator: Mills, actually but you're on the right start there!

Mike: Yes, I am Mike Mills. No longer a pushover, the Boards are in a disarray and I will go out there now and stop them!

TV: Perhaps you should have a shower first?

SUBTITLE: MUCH LATER.

Mike:There now, not a speck of cheese on me. I'm going out there now and stop that evil glorious leader!

TV: Rat! Call him what he is, I bet he'll hate it!

Mike: Yes I shall.

{Castle, SSR's lair.}

SSR: Vhat do you vant little bug?

Mike; You Sir, oh glorious leader are a Rat!

SSR: Yes and?

TV: You're a beast!

Narrator: And a fool!

SSR: Vhy have you brought a TV into this court?

Mike: I didn't bring them, they followed me.

SSR: Take him avay to the Spoilers Board!

Mike: I'm sorry oh glorious leader, they made me do it.

SSR: Impount the TV and you vill go home to die like ze others! Buahahahahahahahahahaha!

[Home.}

Mike: I'm done for now, now TV. How am I going to while away the hours now?

Narrator: All hope is lost. What's the point anymore? You could have been great, the superhero that defeated Stainless Steel Rat but instead you watched your own TV put to death! I've had enough of this palava. I'm off!

Mike: Hey, come back? I don't want to do this? I'm so weak and silly and I need guidance. Please, can you make me like you?

Narrator: What? A hallucination?

Mike: No, make me into a superhero, I've been bored too long, no friends except the cheese and the TV. Please?

Narrator: Um.... All right. Now think grander. Be grander than you are. How much money do you have on you?

Mike: Two slices of camebert.

Narrator: Ah, this will take time.

HOURS LATER:

Mike: Hi, I'm Baron Mike.

Narrator: No, How about Lord Mike or something like that? And work on your act and your clothes?

Mike: What's wrong with them?

Narrator: Are you mad? You look like Oliver in that film....? I forget it's name but you're more John Steed than him and no you can't use that name.

{Kastle.}

SSR: At last I vill rule viktorious! Buahahahahahahahahaha!

{Suddenly the Avenger's theme flicks on and the doors burst open and standing there is an Oliver-lookalike.}

SSR: Vhat do tou vant little urchin?

Mike: Can I have some more Cheese please?

SSR: No, you kan't! Rats, seize him!

Mike: Not so fast Ratrap!

{He pulls free his clothes to reveal- the suave black suit and cape.}

SSR: Oh... a dandy as vell a clown? Kill him!

Mike: Two can tango at this!

{He effortlessly knocks the two rats out, seizing a cane and pointing it at Stainless' throat.}

Mike: Get out of my boards, now!

{He quickly scuttles off and people cheer!}

Mike: Thank you, thank you. Now bow down before me you fools! I am your new master- Emperor Mike and you will eat those cheers- now! Now how's that for Capital Pun-ishment! Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!