h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.

'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip '.


The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my 'king fault!

Nice one!

****Automatic Message****

This joke has been picked to be repeated at a scattering of numerous pubs, cafe bars and private residences across west and central Hull (east Yorkshire)

Thank you


I keep meaning to check the music you did but due to awkward internet problems at the moment I haven't been able to.

This joke will remind me to sort me bab out

The Bonobo Classification Scheme for Managers:

All managers can be placed in one or more of the following categories :-

- C***s
- T***s
- W*****s

It's never failed yet!

I'm going to be a Manager in a few months.

Eye, sorry to hear your mother sells whelks in Hull. Don't worry about the music though, it's glorified shopping centre music, I've decided.

Isn't that a bizarre feature of Northern English pub culture? The way folk come round selling shellfish from a basket? I have almost never found myself sitting with a pint in front of me and thinking,
"You know what? I could murder a pickled whelk."

Half of my working life has been spent in management. So I'm on that list, too.

I've never seen anyone come around with a basket of shellfish! How odd. Though at some bars you'll see people go around with a basket of tamales, or selling roses, etc. There's also an eccentric lady in a neighborhood bordering mine that apparently goes around selling pot brownies.

Cool!

Personally I could murder anyone who tried to offer me whelks in a pub. Roses feature round here often too, I remember Monday nights at Hollywoods nightclub in Ipswich (later Cartouche, then Zest, then closed permanently after a shooting ) the goth kids were always buying them for whichever girl they were getting a turn with that week. Great days. Eheu fugaces, Oh tempura, Oh mores.

What are tamales?

Incidentally I came up with a slogan the other day for enthusiastic vegetarian chefs, if you know of any. It's

"Emancipate yourself from lentil slavery."

Tamales are a native Mexican and South American snack food made from corn meal (sometimes with meat or cheese added in the center), usually wrapped in a corn husk, and steamed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamales

Fast food joints and street vendors (including the ones who walk around bars with baskets) tend to offer plain corn meal tamales without exra fillings. I love plain tamales, but when I make them at home I use a soft, white Mexican cheese and sliced jalapeno peppers for a filling.

And she wheeled her wheelbarrow
Through the streets dark and narrow
Singing 'Cockle and Mussels,
Alive, alive-oh.

I remember a rose seller in Ottawa who used to stand there tapping people with a rose until they agreed to buy one.

btw...I am *so* going to use that lentil slavery line in Flaming Pie.

Do you know what kind of doughnut Bob Marley used to like?
The kind with jam in,
Jam in,
Jam in,
I hope you like jam in too.

Oh, I love that!

Have a good Burns Night Ed.

That remind me..I must buy a vegetarian haggis.

Do we all know the one about Prince Charles visiting a hospital? He stops at the first bed and says,
'Hello. And what are you in for?'
And the patient replies,
'Oh wee sleekit, cowrin', tim'rous beastie/ What panics lie within you're breastie?'
'Oh...er...Jolly good.' he says, and moves on to the next bed.
'And how long have you been a patient?'
'Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled, Scots, wham Bruce has aften led...' comes the reply.
Charlie's getting confused now. He tries one more.
'Aboun them a' ye'll take your place/ Panch, tripe or thairm!'
So Charlie turns to one of the doctors accompanying him.
'I say! Why is everyone talking like this? Is this the psychiatric ward?'
'No,' says the doctor. 'It's the Burns Unit.'

Ba-dam TISH!

Now *that* burns.

A burns reference in my tagline has been modded. What a surprise!

http://www.robertburns.org/works/333.shtml

Thanks for the gag. It reminded me of a variation based on the world of advertising agencies in which your IT person was a production bod and the management person and account executive. The advertising business version ended with a group of creatives watching the proceedings from a nearby pub and muttering 'tossers'.

I couldn't remember all the in between detail so thanks for filling in the blanks.

That's rude three times in six words!

I wonder how this'll fare.

It's good!

I have/had my second christmas on Burn's night (posse-mas) It was good. Po Po Po! I over did it on the lamb with egg and prunes though. Not a good mix with whisky.



What makes you think me mam is in the habit of trading in whelks? Are you some kind of a racist?

No, I just hate everyone.

It was a reference to The Exorcist - Regan says to the young priest "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" Which Ozzy Osbourne thus paraphrased on some record, backwards, apparently.