h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

pls can someone advise me,i work for a large group,my boss is continualy finding fault,if anything is wrong its always my fault for instance,this sunday he told me to get some things back from other team members which we had been given by our area manager for passing an audit as the team member who gave them to us apparently made a mistake,i duly phoned each member and requested the return of the goods explaining what had been said to meby our boss,two days later he met me in the corridor &
said "I want a word with you"he then directed me into the back yard away from others,then started to berate me"what do you think your doing your a shitstirrer you phoned everyone telling them I was calling them liers & theives,I replied that I had not said that,well SO & So said you did,i asked him to come with me to confront the person he started shouting Im not getting into this with you ,you and i are no longer friends our freindship is finished blah blah blah,i then walked away from him as i had had enough this is not the 1st time he has vented his speen at me,i then asked the person in question when I had said he called her the names she said thats not what she said thats the way he made her feel she had said "Are you calling me a lier & theif as had understood the gifts were for the team,anyway as I walked away from my boss he was shouting after me "Thats right walk away like the ignorant ??? didnt hear what)that you are,this was all heard by 2 delivery men in a lorry outside who told me they heard it all,since then I am ignored even when i politely say goodmorning,if i go 2 H.R. he will amke my life a bigger misery,i only have 2yrs till i can retire then i will be 60,I had handed my notice in the last time he went of his rocker at me,I had another job,he & the other boss then asked me to stay as if i went i would lose my pension he said,??but this is a pension that i pay into,also the other job has gone & could prove difficult to get another at my age,i think now that the reason they asked me to stay was because i could have sued for constructive dismissal or harrasment,pls advice me at wits end and depressed hate getting up to go to work now.I have written a letter to him but not given him it stating i was innocent of his charges should i or not gove it to him?gratefully yours,my email address is ; [email protected]
hope someone can help

I really feel for you i once had a boss who called me a useless pair of tights and although its a crap insult it still really hurt.

I'd like to give you a demonstration of were you went wrong and give you details of learning how to deal with people like your boss.

Firstly you did what virtually everyone does in the face of an aggressive bullying boss (defend yourself) it feels right, you didn't do anything wrong and hes totally out of line I'd have done the same as you two months ago. so.. he said to you.

"what do you think your doing your a shitstirrer you phoned everyone telling them I was calling them liers & theives".

and you replied

"I had not said that."

The problem with just answering critisisms by saying no is that no one likes defensiveness. You can't exactly agree to everything either so heres what i would have said.

"I feel defensive, there is no need to swear, yes i called those people and told them just what you asked me too. Now that I have I see that you are clearly upset by it. I felt as though we were getting along very well upto now and I'm sure if we work this out we can again so can I ask you what exactly is upseting you"?

So you can see there is agreement but you arn't agreeing to everything he says just the TRUTH, stroking which is basicly reminding positives such as your relationship before and interest in going into details to resolve HIS problem. I know its really hard to listen when people are talking unreasonably but you will find there attitude changes really quickly when you stop defending yourself and look for the TRUTH in what there saying. You did call them, he asked you too hes upset thats the truth.

I would have replied just like you 2 months ago but I've been using techniques i recently picked up in a cognitive therapy book of all things which would by the way help your moods in the morning.

Its really simple, the books cheap you can buy it anywere its called The Feeling Good Handbook "make sure its the large handbook version as there is a The Feeling Good book by the same auther David D. Burns, MD and it doesn't contain a section on dealing with people. I know it sound cheesy but its the no1 leading book for cognitive therapy recomended by therapists and the communication section helped me sort out my relationships with my partner, my stubborn family and boss and i just feel alot more happy and confidant.

I'm sure you could use the book to make sure your letter will do the trick or even better get you talking again, if thats what you want.