The Edge
Created | Updated Mar 19, 2003
Part Two
The Universe is a big place. I mean not semi-big or just plain large, I mean BIG. Think about it. It's everything. Everything that ever existed ever. Or is it?
0-7 B.C.E (Or thereabouts)
At the centre of the Earth, God sat down in his brown oak chair (with the
word GOD printed in fifteen foot high neon lettering round the back), and
thought.
He thought about the past 100 years. Not a very good century, he
thought, not like the good old days of Moses and Abraham. He
hadn’t sent up a messenger in ages, and people were beginning to lose
faith, probably due to the fact that everybody was praying up to Hell and
not down as they should do.
Maybe I should tell that new chap to put that in one of his prayers.
Something along the lines of, ‘I shall always pray down towards the
Gift of God,’ or something holy and rubbish like that. Certainly would
get people thinking and believing. The only reason they do pray up is
because I have an arrangement with the Devil. The idea was that the priests
and vicars would collect money from the church-goers. They would then send
the money upwards to Hell and hence to the Devil. The Devil then took a ten
percent cut and sent it down to Heaven and, ultimately, to me. It’s a
peaceful arrangement and has served us for millions of years, but I feel
like it as though it’s time for a change. For to long the Devil has
had us in his hand, saying if we don’t comply to his demands he will
bring a Great Plague upon my world. Now it’s my turn, I have an ace up
my sleeve yet in the form of this new person.
God’s
thoughts were often like this. Stupid and completely grammatically incorrect
(so don’t blame us – the Post Team). Switching from the
first to third person, frequently within the same sentence. Most of the
angels put it down to the after-effects of the ‘bends’ he
received during the Great Flood.
Ah the new chap, nice, sprightly young fellow, shame about his
eyes, God ruminated. Well, it isn’t really my fault, it’s
St. John’s. After a bit of heated debate between that fellow, what was
his name, ah yes, Jesus, and St. John they decided to put in the book
‘Industrial Accident.’ Must also remember to tell Jesus to warn
people about that edge of the Universe thing.
His thoughts were interrupted by his new assistant, Cupid. He had him on
loan from Greece, one century only, all part of a plan to unite the Greek
and Jewish faith. The Greeks had first suggested it and God thought it a
very good and efficient idea, channel all the faith into one area as it
were. In return he had given them Saint Peter, they hoped that by the end of
the next thousand years everyone would be familiar with each other and so
the merger would take place.
Despite many Greek stories telling you otherwise, Cupid didn’t have
wings and certainly didn’t go around spreading love in nappies, he
walked like everybody else and he wore white togas. Although he did use a
bow and arrow and Cupid was very proud of the fact that he was the only
Greek god who used a bow and arrow.
‘I’ve found the parents for the new messenger, sir.
They’re called Mary and Joseph.’ Cupid said. ‘Mary is a
virgin, so she will make an ideal mother figure. Joseph isn’t a virgin
unfortunately, according to my information anyway, he lost it to a pretty
girl named Louise when he was seventeen.’
(Have to tell Jesus to put in one of his teachings something along the
lines of ‘thou shalt not lose thy virginity till the thou is
married.’ Something to bring down teenage pregnancies.)
‘Still, they’re the best couple to give Jesus a good
upbringing. Which is the main thing, yes?’
‘You’re absolutely right, Cupid. Where do these two come
from?’ God asked.
‘Bethlehem, but they live in Nazareth.’ Cupid started to
drift off into a semi-awake phase. ‘Very nice place Nazareth, took the
wife and kids there once. Good selection of wine, although I must say
th...’
‘Silence, you Greek fool! I don’t care how homesick you are,
I‘ve still got you on loan for another 93 years!’
‘Sorry sir. You’re totally right sir. Shall I get Gabriel to
inform them about their new arrival, sir? Or do you want me to do it?’
At this point Cupid started to madly hop from one foot to the other, clearly
very excited that he might get a chance to go up to Earth once again.
‘Tell Gabriel to go up, it’s a long time since I used him,
and ask Jesus to come down here. I’ve got a couple of things to say to
him before he goes up.’ Cupid stopped hopping and stood upright,
unsuccessfully trying to hide his disappointment.
‘Yes, sir. Right away, sir.’ As Cupid skipped out of the door
like a deranged loony, still trying to hide his emotions, God thought, I
hope that not all Greeks are like that or I’m in trouble, and
Cupid thought spitefully, divot.
Back on Earth a child was born in a stable, a person sneezed under the
stars and the Earth accelerated towards its target. Only two of these have
any relevance to the forthcoming events.
