Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt

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Lou Ferrigno's Journal1


Today was a good day. I had smoked mackeral for breakfast, watched the horse racing and finally got to Hoover the landing carpet. This evening at seven I have to go to my evening class in ceramics. I made an ashtray last week. Of course, someone wanted me to sign it for them, 'To Toby, Love The Hulk, You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry'. I hate it when that happens.

It wasn't even a very good ashtray. It kind of folded over at one side. Still, my teacher, Mr Samovar, said it had 'potential'. 'Potential for what?' I asked. 'Oh, I don't know...' he said 'Perhaps we could consider entering it for the "Best ashtray in Winnipeg" competition next month, and, Hey! Lets call the president and see what he thinks!'. But I could see he was trying not to laugh.


Bill Bixby left yet another message on my answerphone. When will he ever learn? Maybe some of us really don't want to go on and on about the 'old days' over some lukewarm pasta and clams in some cheap taverna that Bill reckons has 'atmosphere'. And, on top of that, its just plain embarrasing. Last time he came he brought a pair of those old contact lenses I used to wear. When we met at Sal's place I figured he had some kind of goddamn problem seeing straight, and I was just about to ask if he was ok when he lets out this big roar and opens his eyes, and he's wearing these stupid green things in them. Sal fell over with the shock. Dropped the bottle of Freixenet that we were going to drink. Bill's all doubled up, laughing, slapping me on the back and saying 'Remember that, Lou? Remember how we used to do that together?' and I'm just kind of nodding and smiling and wanting to go home.


Went to McDonalds. They have these new triple cheeseburgers. 'More Cheeze than you can Squeeze'. Damned tasty. Kid behind the counter gave me that look. The one people give when they think they recognise me but they're not sure. Then he clicks. I can tell he clicks because this dumb smile spreads across his face and he leans back and points at me and goes 'Heyyyyyyyy... its the Hulk man! Hey!! Everyone!! Its the Hulk!! He's eating a triple cheeseburger!!!'

Then they're all there, giving me stuff to sign. One of them asks me 'How did you feel you know, having to put all that make up on? How long did it take? Was it, like hours?'. 'Look kid', I said, 'They painted me green. How long is that likely to take, huh?' It really bugs me when people go on about this make-up thing. Six hours? What for? Try it yourself some time. Paint yourself green, pop in some contacts and stick on a rubber nose. Takes about twenty minutes. Trust me. Then its out of the trailer, run around growling, tip over a car, and home in time for 'Celebrity Snooker'. Good times, man... but... anyway... where was I?


Bill Bixby again. Does paintings of clowns now. Loser.


Flower arranging tonight! I am really looking forward to it. Ever since I learned that trick of putting the Begonias behind the Fuschia, I feel like I've unlocked the door to a whole world of beauty. Tonight, I might try a few dasies, you know just dotted around the edge, a bit random like, to balance off the leaf structure in the center. I know that Mrs Slim says not to do that - but, heck, what does she know? An artist should live dangerously, right? I mean, would Picasso have said 'Oh, OK Mrs Slim, if you say daisies don't work, then I guess you must be right...' No, I don't think so... Or, get this... what if Claude Monet had said 'Gee, Mrs Slim, your right, you can't really see the haystacks..' No I'm gonna put those goddamn daisies in. That's what I'm gonna do. That's it. This is the moment. I feel like I'm standing on the threshold of a new world, a new truth, a new dawn!! !!!! !


Everything is horrible. Everything hurts. They laughed at my daisies. I went to Sal's and drank warm Sambuca until Sal and Joey threw me out. God, my head... I feel like a guinea pig that's been sucked through a hose pipe. They laughed at my daisies. I ate a jumbo Mr Pizza last night, with anchovies and walnuts. If an anchovie comes through the door right now, I'm gonna punch its lights out. They laughed at my dasies. What time is it? Hope I haven't missed 'Crosswits' with Tom O'Connor.


Feel better. Dug out an old Cliff Richard record. The 'Book of Job' set to the tune of 'Agadoo' by Black Lace. A rarity. I'm gonna send it to Bill Bixby. Remember: Today I must buy a rabbit.

Dr Funderlik's Regular Grunt Archive

Dr Deckchair Funderlik

20.02.03 Front Page

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1Entirely made up. About another Lou Ferrigno. Not the famous one, who apparently runs an excellent body building program in the US, if you like that kind of thing. And another Hulk. Not the not real one.

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