Tofu

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Tofu is, without a doubt, one of the most remarkable food-substances known to man.
Not only is it utterly odorless and flavorless, in its simplest form it is textureless as well!
It is used in many recipes as a sort of culinary parasite -- a general purpose filler that
leeches the color and flavor of whatever dish was unfortunate enough to fall prey to
its inclusion. In this capacity, tofu may be found in an infinite variety of dishes, from
stir-fry to smoothie.

Tofu was discovered nearly 2000 years ago by Chinese scientists. It was the unfortunate
byproduct of an accident involving an early form of gunpowder, a large quantity of
soybeans, and a duck. Needless to say, the waterfowl did not survive the incident,
but simultaneously, tofu and the now-famous dish of "Peking Duck" were created.
Sadly, a rift formed between the founding scientists over whether or not tofu belonged
on the periodic table of elements. One side argued that its atomic structure was unique,
and that it belonged as element 27, right between teflon (28) and paste (26). The other
side argued that the entire line of thinking was ridiculous, as the periodic table would
not be invented for quite a few more centuries.

To this day, the exact chemical properties of tofu remain shrouded in mystery. However,
chefs have found that it can be made in numerous textures -- from a light and almost
creamy form to a form solid enough to pick up with a fork. Tofu can also be pressed
and baked until it becomes chewy. If the tofu is marinated as well, it can become quite
a tasty dish all by itself, particularly if one has a skewed definition of "tasty."

Tofu is one of the most healthful foods around. It is very high in both calcium and
protein, and is thus a particularly valuable food source for the Vegetarians --
members of an ancient masochistic cult devoted to the financial ruination of fast-food
chains.

Though tofu seems a rather strange and unearthly substance, my sources inform me
that any resemblance to spackle, phlegm, or any of The Blobs of Hollywood fame is
purely coincidental.

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