A Conversation for The 'Pellucidar' Novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs

A87906757 - The 'Pellucidar' Novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 21

Gnomon - time to move on

Thanks for adding my name to the entry.smiley - smiley

Here's the results of my proofreading.

By a quirk of fate Pellucidar has the same proportion of land as the outer Earth has sea, and the same amount of sea as the outer Earth has land.

-->

By some unexplained process, the oceans of Pellucidar are directly under the continents of outer Earth and vice versa, so Pellucidar has the same ratio of land to sea as the outer Earth does sea to land.


You call one character "David" (first name) and the other "Perry" (last name). Would it be better to refer to him as "Innes"?

37,000 word story --> 37,000-word story

invents an iron mole mining machine --> invents an 'iron mole' mining machine

Captured by the Mahars' slaves, gorilla-like servants called the Sagoths, -->
Captured by the Mahars' gorilla-like servants called the Sagoths,

This is the story as Innes told him. -->

This is the story as Innes told it.
or
This is the story as Innes told it to him.

a longer, 61,000 words story --> a longer 61,000-word story

David Innes briefly visited to the Earth's surface -->
David Innes briefly visited the Earth's surface

that had been laid by --> that had been placed there by

by David Innes by Morse Code --> by David Innes in Morse code


Written in September to November 1928, fourteen years after the previous book, this was written back-to-back with the sequel, Tarzan at the Earth's Core

- find some way of rewording this to avoid "written" occurring twice

78,000 word story --> 78,000-word story

on board The Cid's flagship --> on board the Cid's flagship

an airship, the O-2205 out of a light metal -- put a comma after the /FOOTNOTE tag.

Argosy paid Edgar Rice Burroughs $1,000 for the 80,000 word story -->
Burroughs was paid $1,000 for the 80,000-word story

(You don't need to say his full name every time, and Argosy has already been mentioned in this sentence).

60,000 word story --> 60,000-word story

The mention of giant ants in the sentence after the one about giants makes it look as if you intended to say giant ants in the first sentence too. If you switch the sentence about giant ants with the one following it, I think this smooths over this slight oddity.

Suvi leaves the empire and declares war on Suvi -- this is a very Burroughs-like mistake to make.smiley - tongueout

clipper shop --> clipper ship

Up to eight feet tall they --> Up to eight feet tall, they

rhamphorhychnchus --> rhamphorhynchus

Unable to communicate verbally, they communicate by 'project[ing] their thoughts into the fourth dimension, when they become appreciable to the sixth sense of their listener.'

-->

Lacking any perception of sound, they communicate with their servants and slaves by sign language and with each other by 'project[ing] their thoughts into the fourth dimension, when they become appreciable to the sixth sense of their listener.'

Are the Azars the same as the Azarians? Which name is correct?

the daughter of the King of Amoz and her mother was sister of Ghak the Hairy One -->
the daughter of the King of Amoz. Her mother was the sister of Ghak the Hairy One


Tanar the Fleet One is Dian's cousin and son of Ghak, who later realises he loves Stellara, who despite being raised as the daughter of The Cid, ruler of the Korars, is really the daughter of Fedol, ruler of the village of Paraht on the island of Amiocap, and Allara of the Amiocap village of Lar.

I can see that you strung this together for comedic effect, but it has problems. It suggests that Ghak realises he loves Stellara, but you say elsewhere that it is Tanar who loves Stellara. I think it would read better as two sentences and still retain the comedic effect:

Tanar the Fleet One, son of Ghak, is Dian's cousin who later realises he loves Stellara. She, despite being raised as the daughter of the Cid, ruler of the Korars, is really the child of Fedol, ruler of the village of Paraht on the island of Amiocap, and Allara of the Amiocap village of Lar.

O-aa, daughter of Oose, King of Kali, who spends her spare time being worshipped as a goddess

-->

O-aa, daughter of Oose, King of Kali. She spends her spare time being worshipped as a goddess

For example the novels were written with the Edwardian Boys' Own adventure perspective; - change the semicolon to a colon, since the second half of the sentence is illustrating the idea outlined in the first half.

smiley - smiley


A87906757 - The 'Pellucidar' Novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 22

Bluebottle

Thanks for that, I've made the tweaks as suggested and changed most of the Davids to Innes (except the reference to David defeating the Goliath-like Azarians which otherwise wouldn't work.)

<BB<


A87906757 - The 'Pellucidar' Novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 23

Gnomon - time to move on

A few more small tweaks:

Despite this vast distance --> Despite this vast area

phororhacos --> phorusrhacos

but emerged in an unknown land --> but emerges in an unknown land

with ten Waziri warrior friends of Tarzan's part of the crew -->
with ten Waziri warrior friends of Tarzan's as part of the crew

Befriending slave girl Kleeto, Zor, Kleeto and Innes escape -->
Befriending slave girl Kleeto, Zor and Innes escape with her

the Suvian's betrayal --> the Suvians' betrayal

20th Century knowledge --> 20th-Century knowledge

smiley - smiley

The only other issue is your use of 'however', but I've given up trying to get people to use 'however' correctly.


A87906757 - The 'Pellucidar' Novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Post 24

Bluebottle

Changes made. I did think that phororhacos --> phorusrhacos warranted a footnote as the incorrect name is probably more popular than the scientific name, but the other minor tweaks have been made.smiley - ok

<BB<


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A87906757 - The 'Pellucidar' Novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs

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