101 ways to tell that the public toilet you are in is not a nice one

5 Conversations

  1. The floor is wetter than the urinals
  2. If it in any way resembles the one I found in the customs station when I arrived in Tangier, Morocco - two footpads with a hole in the ground between them
  3. they shake when you walk into them (my experience of the portable toilets outside the summer pops tent in Liverpool)
  4. There are 20 stalls and *none* of them have even a scrap of toilet paper.... (My experience in the bus station in Malaga, Spain.) If my memory serves me correctly, there was nary a drop of soap in there either...
  5. The condom machine only takes shillings
  6. The lock on the door to the stall is broken and doesn't keep the door closed, and while seated on the toilet, the door is out of arm's reach
  7. The toilet paper is shiny and has "Now Please Wash Your Hands" printed along the perforations (we had those hideous entities at my primary school)
  8. The Lock is broken or has been tampered with.
  9. There are strategically placed holes for being viewed
  10. The toilet is stopped up
  11. The towel dispenser is one of those with a cloth towel dispenser where you pull down a clean portion while the dirty portion from the person before you gets rolled back into the dispenser... but when you go to use it the whole roll appears to have already gone around multiple times.
  12. There are no sinks, just a four-walled urinal.
  13. One or more stalls is completely doorless.
  14. The smell of the industrial disinfectant used to clean the bathroom is worse than the smell of a dirty bathroom....
  15. It's A portable toilet.
  16. It is an old fashioned outdoor toilet, featuring snakes, lice and bugs
  17. On a night out in Vienna, I desperately needed to pay a visit. Something had given me a gippy stomach, and the nearest toilets available were on the underground tram stations. Unfortunately only one cubicle was open as the larger WC's are closed off due to drug dealers at that time of night. I opened the door to find the pan flooded, with blood and hyperdermic needles around the rim. I suddenly wasn't so desperate at that point.
  18. Why do toilets with swing doors ALWAYS have the handles on the inside.
    Picture the scenario; you've just done your stuff, wash your hands thoroughly then dry them. Then some chap/lady walks out of a cubicle and bypasses the sink and puts his/her grubby mitts on the handle!
  19. I worked at the local Marina this summer and one of the bathrooms was hooked into the same ventilation system as the Fish Cleaning Station
  20. While staying in a reasonably good hotel in Samarkand, the Lobby Lieus consisted of 6 holes in the floor- that's right, NO SEATS! One even had to supply their own toiletpaper! 1
  21. There are no windows and the lights don't work. It is absolutely *absolutely* dark.
    I've had this happen twice - once in a public loo and once at the house of an acquaintance that I didn't know sufficiently well to go back downsatirs and say "by the way, where the lightswitch?" I didn't find the loo but I did find the bidet
  22. In Holland a lot of toilets had a little platform in it. So if you wanted to you could get a good look at your creation before flushing. Why you would want to I don't know.
  23. I was at a public toilet at a shopping mall here in Malaysia the other day. I think it's bad enough that they want you to pay extra for the toilet paper. But it was one of those without a seat. You just had to crouch down and hope you didn't fall over.

  24. one I tried in France. It was the same without a seat, and you put your feet on two little platforms. And then when you pushed flush you got the shock because the whole place started flooding. I'm guessing the platforms were supposed to keep you from getting wet feet, but there was just too much water.
  25. On my third day here in Beijing, we went to a local dive restaurant. I needed to go during the evening, so I followed one of the cooks down this little alleyway (precarious enough considering I was half cut by this time) into the direst toilet I have ever seen in my life. The urinal was bad; the other part was 4 holes in the ground, with all its produce on show. Fortunately I can automatically cut off my sense of smell - the stench would have knocked a horse out.
  26. some music festival toilets are amongst the most constipation inducing I know. They're just a trailer containing a big tank of chemicals and poo in the bottom, covered by a long plank with holes in to sit on. No cubicles, no paper. I've seen 6-seaters up to 20-seaters. Emptied by tanker once a day, you can smell them from 100 yards away. I've never used one - if I really need to go I set out on an expedition to find a pub.
  27. The toilets in my new office are quiet. Too quiet. Silent, in fact. Which means that if there's anyone else in there using the facilities, you can hear *absolutely everything*.
  28. I always reckon curtains of dark green algae decorating the walls is a good sign of a bad loo
  29. The ingenious 'towel with it's ends sewn together and a pole in the middle' arrangement has a big brown smear down it. Despite the bottom of the towel being 3 feet off the ground
  30. None of the flushes on the toilets work
  31. The stalls don't have doors on them.
  32. There's crap on the floor.
  33. What about the cubicles where the door opens against the pan so you have to squeeze against the walls (yuk) and pan (even yukkier) to get in and close the door. Then no hook to hang anything on so you're clutching coat, bag throughout.
  34. One not from me, but a 'saucy' tale from my son. To get some extra money he cleanes airplanes in the few minutes between the last passenger leaving and the next coming in. Their group always tried to 'miss' the pakistan planes by being busy somewhere else, as in the loo there the stuff could be found even on the ceiling
  35. Those loos in a club in brum reputed to have a one way mirror so the ladies can check out the talent from their loos. (sorry, but ladies, would that actually be something you wanted to see???)
  36. The pub toilets I went into one morning after a bike rally to find someone had been rather drunk the night before and managed to hover over the toilet bowl and deposit their days takings on the rim. Only it was solid, so it looked like a little tower of poo balanced precariously on the rim. Whilst I was quite disgusted, I also had to admire someone being able to hover for long enough, and precisely enough, to acheive this effect.
  37. Mates house which had 2 toilets above the kitchen. One of which had a hole in the floor immediately infront of the toilet bowl, through which could be seen the cooker in the kitchen. I really do not wish to go further
  38. Then there was the legend of 'big log'. This was discovered in the toilet one day. It blocked the loo. At least 8 inches long, possibly more, and a couple of inches in diameter. One solid lump, as they say. The worst bit was drawing lots to see who would have to go clear it
    To this day ( 7 years later) no one has owned up and I still know all the people who were living in the house.
  39. Toilets with no operative lighting and limited windows. The horror of gingerly moving across a damp, smelly room, towards a dimly perceived piece of porcelein on the opposite wall and hoping that its a urinal. A fly usually brushed your face half-way across the room. I recall using an underground one in Manchester - I was so glad I only needed a pee - and was male.
  40. There used to be a cafe called The Singing Kettle, just opposite The Last Post pub on Guernsey. Great little place that did reasonably priced traditional foods. However there was one drawback. The toilet was just out the back, and consisted of a brick built building without a door. You entered and turned left, on your left was the urinal, facing you a sink, and to your right a single closet. Whilst the ttrough was absolutely packed with those little blue blocks, the actual problem was the insect life. The entire place was alive with flies. When someone went to the toilet, the customery greeting on their return was "How many did you get?" The question never had to be explained.
  41. In Australia we have the beautiful outback dunny known as "The Long Drop" A proper long drop must have red back spiders, a snake or frogs depending on the countryside, a gazillion blowflies and a stench that makes your eyes peel. There must be no toilet paper (but ten or twenty carboard rolls from the middle lying in the dirt). There are no sinks to wash your hands since there will be no water for miles. The roof and walls around this hole and bowl will be made of corrugated iron and it will be hot enough to roast the Sunday lamb.
    I moved to the city!!!!
  42. In a certain other area of Nottingham, it's not been completely unknown to find dead overdosed heroin addicts in the john. That's got to be a bad sign!
  43. In Bath: pitch black, metal sinks/bowls/everything, moulded one-piece stuff so nothing can get broken off, smelled like something had died, no loo roll (and no suggestion there had *ever* been any loo roll), syringes liberally scattered around the place. It was so foul could stay in there but was desperate so I made my boyfriend keep watch for people and just weed on a little bush behind the loo block (good hovering skills). I bet I wasn't the first person to do this.
  44. An old-fashioned overhead cistern that when the chain is pulled splashes about a quart of water over your head.
  45. The piping along the top of the urinals has been twisted so that the water squirts over anyone unlucky enough to be pointing percy when the washdown starts.
  46. It has that UV lighting which is supposed to stop people shooting up but actually only induces a migraine and creeping madness in the innocent.
  47. Any loo with a sign on it saying something like 'These toilets are checked every half hour. Last Checked: [squiggle]' This sign seems to act as some sort of calling sign for every yobbo and vandal in the area. I think the people checking them just walk in and go 'Yup, it's still a toilet' sign the board and walk out again!
  48. Some place on the coast just west of Southampton (can't remember the name of it but it won an award a couple of years ago for the sea brake they built?). Anyway there's a cafe on the corner (it's the last building). It's okay inside, but should you need to visit the gents, beware. It's a room with one toilet (which is okay), it's nice and clean (good), but unfortunately the toilet door has a window which has slightly mottled glass which is directly opposite where the user is sitting / standing. So anyone walking along the public corridor outside can watch as you go about your business.
  49. Cuba - Public toilets have a 2 foot tall partition between conveniences, you are forced into the position of a ski jumper pre-take off whilst 'cleansing', in order to avoid engaging into a conversation with the next stall holder, possibly about the weather, which was very pleasant.
  50. Picture the scene; Desperate for the toilet, you're walking along the street with your legs crossed at the knees, looking exactly like you have been anaesthetised from the waist down- but wait! Theres a pub on the corner! Great! It'll have a loo! You push into the door to be greeted by silence from the drinkers in the pub. Who's this stranger invading our local, and why haven't they bought a pint- must be trouble makers. Anyway, after shamefully asking the barstaff where the loos are, you head over for relief of the bowels/bladder. The toilet looks like it has been decorated by Slipknot or Marylin Manson. The peeling wallpaper is in competition with the damp on who can reach the floor first, the floor is wet with urine or vomit (you can't tell), and both taps haven't worked since 1945. You steel yourself into entering the cubicle, and carefully place the greaseproof toilet paper on the seat, providing your behind with some comfort and sanitary protection. The chain to the cistern has vacated the premises and is replaced by a dirty brown piece of cord. To read, there is a copy of yesterdays Daily Sport as well as a Haynes Vauxhall Astra Manual, when you see some graffiti on the door written in blood red ink: "If you want hard, dirty loving, meet me in this cubicle at 12.30pm prompt. I'm on a day pass from prison." You look at your watch. Its half past twelve and the door hasn't got a lock on it....
  51. Worst loo I've experienced was a hole in the ground type in Turkey, except the "ground" was a train. No means of flushing, it just went straigh out onto the track. Dribble of handwash water if you were lucky. And this was an overnight sleeper!
    Worst part was the smell the morning after and having to get yourself and your baggage past the loo and off the train past the remains of what hadn't made it onto the track!!!
  52. I once used a toilet over a bottomless pit. Well not bottomless actually but the seat was over a mineshaft. You couldn't hear your leavings hit the bottom and apparently if the wind was just right on the side of the mountain a gust could send liquids back up the hole!
  53. The Toilet attendent is wearing a bullet proof jacket, behind bullet proof glass and is carrying a sidearm.
  54. Once stopped at a garage in the Ukraine and the bit was so infested by flies that the women in our party preferred going in the woods so I guess: If the queue for the woods is lonmger than the queue for the toilets
  55. The sign on the door says "women", yet there is a urinal.









Jack Naples-25

Captain Kebab-26

Dr E Vibenstein-27


Captain Spankmunki-29





McKay the Disorganised-39, 40


fat blue kelli-43

Parrferris-44, 45, 46

Polidari Wormwood-48,



cl zoomer-52

Demon Drawer-53,54

1granted, that was back in 1972

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