A Conversation for Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Alternative Writing Workshop: A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 1

Neville

Entry: Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13? - A86221910
Author: Neville - U14444586

I'm probably posting in completely the wrong place. Having never been much of a "wordsmith" I am looking for criticism, advice and help with improving my writing style.


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 2

Dmitri Gheorgheni - Not Banned in China

I'm sorry this got modded before anybody could see it.

I hope it will be back soon. smiley - smiley

In the meantime, if you were writing a factual entry, you could try Peer Review.

If it's an opinion piece, it's in the right place (as soon as they let you know why it was hidden).


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 3

Neville

Hi Dmitri smiley - smiley

I have re-edited (no changes really) and hope it gets past the mods this time! The reason they gave was "We reserve the right to fail comments which... Advertise products or services for profit or gain."

Absolutely not the case here!

Best Regards and Geia Sou,

Neville


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 4

lil ~ Auntie Giggles with added login ~ returned


Hi Neville,

If you've added outside links it is quite possible one, or all, of them might be deemed as advertising. Check your links closely, even those surrounding the article in the link smiley - smiley

lil x


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 5

Dmitri Gheorgheni - Not Banned in China

Hi again, Neville. smiley - smiley I see your entry is back.

That is really interesting. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about cars.

From the writing side, I'd say that was all well-written and clear. You obviously have a passion for what you do. However, the entry immediately jumps into such detail, assuming that the reader has the same passion, that you lost me after only a few paragraphs. (I have the same response to articles about unfamiliar sports, bicycles, skiing, and golf.)

The mods might have been concerned because entries that end with an invitation to join someone offsite are not usually what we do very much of. We aim at informing, though, and this is certainly informative.

I'd like to suggest something.

If you could write ANOTHER entry, one that assumes the reader knows nothing (or next to nothing, few people could match my level of ignorance, in spite of the fact that I live in NASCAR country), with links to some pictures, it would give us all a different perspective.

Instead of the 'insider' detail, tell us:

1. What kind of race car this was, and something about the time in which it was made. (What is a Jaguar, anyway? Who drives these things? How much do they cost - is this a toy for the superrich?)
2. What happened to it. (Dumb down the technical stuff, and make it interesting and immediate.)
3. How you found it. (Why is this your passion? How did you find it? I'll bet that's an exciting story.)
4. What youre plans are, generally. (Wax poetical. I bet you can. smiley - winkeye)

Avoid sentences like:

>>.The use of magnesium as a constituent of alloy wheels was not a new technology in the 1960’s...<<

Unless you're writing to an audience entirely made up of car enthusiasts, you've lost them.

On the other hand, h2g2 is full of readers who understand personal journeys and projects. Here's an example which may help:

Click on this link: A61625711

Beatrice has been part of a major, and exciting, undertaking by bikers. Once you've read the entry, you can click on the link at the bottom of the page for her archive, if you wish to continue the story.

I hope this helps a little.

Geia sou to you, too,

DG


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 6

minorvogonpoet

I agree with Dmitri that you have the potential for an exciting story here. smiley - smiley

The men, striving to get an exceptional car ready to prove to the world how good it is. Then the crash, the recriminations and the attempt to understand what happened.

But there are a lot of technical terms. For example, what is a 'Hassan/Baily flat head production V8'?

Perhaps it would help if you used your own words, rather than quoting the words of the men involved. As insiders, they were bound to use the jargon of the trade.


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 7

Bluebottle

I think this has Flea Market potential. Anyone willing to second?

<BB<


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 8

Dmitri Gheorgheni - Not Banned in China

Sure. Maybe somebody could take the comments we made at the time and spruce this up a little for publication? smiley - smiley


A86221910 - Why recreate the 1966 Jaguar XJ13?

Post 9

SashaQ - happysad

Yes, definite potential smiley - ok

It is a bit of a plug for neville's website, but it is good to see that he finished the project in 2016 smiley - ok


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