Visiting a Small Town

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When visiting a small town (defined by the fact that the first New Years' baby was born in August), there are a few intricacies of the local language and customs that upon being learned help greatly in relations with the locals, thus producing a better overall experience. Listed below is a brief explanation of the most widely used of these phrases.

PRIT NEAR - Usually pronounced without significant opening of the mouth. Can be closely linked to "almost".

FER BY FER - Referring to an automobile with four wheel drive.

OH YAH - Can be considered a space filler in most sentences and functions as either a noun, verb, adverb, adjective, pronoun, etc...

SLED - Snowmobile. Commonly confused with the vehicle used by Santa Claus.

Below are listed a few of the common behaviours in small towns along with a rough description.

FARMER SPIT - Used when an indivuidual accrues a volumous quantity of mucus and has no other way to rid themselves of it than to plug one nostril and blow forcefully, while at the same time factoring in all wind conditions.

COW TIPPING - Perhaps the most infamous form of small town fun. In an attempt to curb this phenomenon among its own population, many bovines have resorted to squirting milk in the perpetrators eye. As a result, local sales of swimming goggles have increased 300%.

Finally, the most odd bit of behaviour exhibited by locals is a "sport" called Ice-fishing. This process involves constructing a large tin can with no floor and room enough to seat a minimum of one very uncomfortably, hauling it onto a sometimes very precarious bit of frozen water, drilling a hole in the ice and fishing. This activity is routinely carried out in temperatures that even a brass monkey would shy away from. In addition to this, the fisherman, or fishermen, often engage in the consumption of alcoholic beverages while perched precariously over a gaping hole in the ice. In a strange turn of events the party, or parties, involved often end up in the very water they were trying to pull things out of, undoubtedly due to the level of watered dwon fuel in their systems.

Above all, when visiting these little groups of socially and geographically isolated people remember that you too would be a little cranky if there was only one bar in town.

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