To the north and inbetween of Colchester and Chelmsford, Braintree can claim faim for being the home of the puritans who left to found Harvard University in the U.S.A, home of the controversial but brilliant dance act the Prodigy, and for winning the Viz award for most boring town Britain, and a two page spread in the Sun newspaper reporting how all Braintree women are in fact sea-monsters. A fact denied by a simple DNA test, but hey, since when does the Sun ever verify anything?
Ok, straight to the most important bit. If you want to get drunk in Braintree you shouldnt find it very hard. If you want a fight once you are drunk, this should not prove too difficult either.
Your first port of call should be the local Whetherspoons, called the Embassy. Based in an old cinema it is, like most Whetherspoons, lifeless and dull, but great for oogaling underage girls dressed as women. If you are above 25 years old, you shall feel old here. The food is bland and the beer is flat, but it is a great place to gauge the attitude of the town, as due to the lack of music you can listen in to most conversations. Expect all the usual characters, the annoying drunk old man, the aggravating rude boys, the timid people on lunch breaks and the obligatory group of student greebo's.
*Best method of starting a fight; Win the jackpot on one of the fruit machines after one of the various twenty something blokes has just put £50 in one, and won nothing.
The next pub on the list is Baileys. Baileys used to be a good Irish pub called o'reily's, but that got closed down and this IKEA furnished, nasty lighted, huge 'no smoking' area pub was put in its place instead. In here there is little life or character, but the menu isnt that bad. All the usual special offers and stuff.
*Most likely conversation; How much it costs to commute to London.
H2O. This is a nightclub situated in front of the fountain by the graveyard in the centre of town. This place has alot of history, which consequentualy has been runied by, yet again, trashey chain organisations that destroy all character and replace with pine furniture and bottles of Red and Aftershock.
It used to be known as a nightclub called Flacks. It was a run down and smelly dive in which the dregs of Braintree, and their mates, would congregate and embark on hedonism and general unruly behaviour, with an area out the back which the management turned a blind eye to in which you could happiliy smoke dope all night.
It was, in a word, Brilliant.
But now it is your usual crap nightclub, with screens on the walls advertising their drinks offers, bouncers everywhere, who tend to actually start most of the trouble, and everyone dressed up. Not bad for picking up Essex girls, but then you can do that anywhere.
*Best expression; That of someone who hasnt been to Braintree for a while and was just going to pop into Flacks to have a quick joint.....
The Angel, Notley Road. Normal sort of pub. Pretty empty really, but the landlords a diamond, so I feel it deserves a mention.
Nice area's; Any road leading away from the centre of the town.
OK area's; The graveyard in the centre of the town is a good place to go if u enjoy drinking cider and are a teenager. Also a good place to view the nightlife, watch a good fight, mabye score, and so on.
Fairveiw fields: Nice area to chill out and relax, especially in summer. Has a river, the River Blackwater, running through it. Quite relaxed and most people here keep themselves to themselves. Good field to spend a night in.
Freeport Designer Village: A fairly new addition to Braintree, this 'designer village' specialises in selling last years fashion and stock, or sizes that haven't sold very well. So whilst it is very cheap, it is also hard to find something that you really like and that actually fits you! Good for Braintree though as it seems to have helped its flagging economy.