The Post Time-Travel Challenge: Time (for a Laugh) Travel

1 Conversation

smiley - tardis

When Do You Want to Be?

Okay, this challenge has definitely set the cat among the pigeons. Writers were invited, incautiously on

my part, to get in their tardises and go sightseeing. The only conditions were that you not change anything, and

stay out of your own lifetime.

As you can see, Prof Animal Chaos has ignored one of the stipulations – but that was only to be expected, as

he never does anything we tell him to.

The Prof makes it interesting, though. We've all asked some of these questions, and a good time machine might give

us some real answers. Part of his journey reminds me of the Vietnamese lady who, when told the Christmas story for

the first time, got to the part where Mary tells Joseph, "I'm pregnant, and it was an angel."

The lady nodded sagely. "We had a girl like that in our village," she commented.

Let's take a Biblical magical mystery tour with the Prof.

Time (for a Laugh) Travel

Here we go! Well! Not actually WE go, because I'm not taking anyone with me. I look at it this way, if I charged

a fee on length of time and distance etc, which I think is fair, then owing to the fact that most time travellers

return to their starting point, then a passenger could say we've only been away for less than a minute and I'd make


Anyhow! As to where I'd go – an easy answer, I'd do a package tour starting at the birth of a written

character called Jesus. Firstly, to see IF in fact he did have a torch strapped to his head, giving some form of

halo effect, as depicted in various drawings, etc.

Secondly, I would travel within his growing years, as there are no stories about his childhood, schooling and

joinery/carpentry qualifications.

Then a visit to this place they called Sermon on the Mount2, because if he did expand the yield of bread and fish to the multitude there, if there

was a multitude, as official figures (Roman) and demonstration officials (organisers of the sermon) figures more

often than not, disagree on numbers. Then seeing how it was done and if it could be reproduced, it could end world

starvation in our present time.

Now on to the time of walking on water, this needs to be defined, as it could have been a long shallow puddle

which would look like walking on water, to where was it �actually� done? To check for tidal flow, depth of water,

height of waves (if any) and also! Who witnessed it and were bribes involved, or were the witnesses drunk at the


Back into the time capsule and on to the turning of water into wine event, to see for myself if this was a true

fact, plus I would definitely NOT bring the procedure back if it was true, one! I can't stand wine and two! It would

kill the whisky industry.

Now for a slight detour, I'm now going to visit the conception of Jesus3, because to my mind, it's only modern-day medical knowledge of

artificial insemination that allows a virgin female to produce child/children. Not only that, but his dad Joseph who

is the husband of Mary, seemingly sits back and accepts that his missus is having a child and he ain't done the deed

and that the conception has been done by a �god� no less (sounds a bit of a Zeus and Hercules storyline to me),

personally! Any husband would be scouring the land for the other bloke and/or asking for a


Moving on slightly, to a chap named Pontius Pilate and to find out if he was actually a pilot by trade (a river

pilot!smiley - tongueout, co's they didn't have aeroplanes then) and his name misspelt by someone, similar

to Smith and Smythe – the common and posh versions (also! As many names were derived from a person's


A twist of the time machine dials and I'm now standing on the shores of the Red Sea at the moment thereabouts of

someone called Moses, who is said to have parted the sea, now this takes some believing and I don't. Unless there

was some form of major earth movement in the tectonic plates that caused an upheaval of the sea floor. This sea is

just over 190 miles across at its widest point, and about 1,200 miles in length. There is a measured maximum depth

of 8,200 feet and an estimated average depth of 1,640 feet isn't going to part for anything and there isn't any form

of wind turbulence that could cause it to part. So I'm expecting not to see anything out of the

ordinary5. It's time now to move forward, or back.

This next part of the trip could take smiley - doh a little time, as I want to see the burning bush

episode and finding the spot will be hard, even so! It was either lightning or someone had played a joke and lit it

while he was looking elsewhere6.

Now one place I want to visit is the mountain where that chap Moses got two stone tablets, already inscribed by

some imaginary extraterrestrial being that's supposed to be all-powerful and didn't have pen and paper, or hammer

and chisel.

(OK so I'm an atheist, but no disrespect to any faiths! For their own NON violent beliefs7.)
And THEN he lugs these stone tablets back down the mountain that now have 10 laws written on them, now to me!

Whoever was ruling the various countries and lands around that area surely must have had laws of their own and I

reckon they wouldn't have been all that different to the stone-inscribed ones8. So this Moses guy says these are the laws given by god himself etc etc and did anyone take

any notice? NO! Because from more or less at that time, mankind as a whole, has never adhered to them and has broken

each and everyone, some even in the name of religion9.

Where to go next? I know! I'll go look for a great big ark-type boat, that can actually carry 2 of every single

species of life on this planet and have the capacity for the amount of water needed and food stocks, this craft is

only going to be built and �manned� by one man and his wife. The size of the ark, the wood needed (trees hewn down,

timber planed, transported to the sight) and then he waits for the tide to come in, then the task of steering the

thing. BUT before he sets sail, he's got to gather 2 of every species. That seems a bridge too far, as in the

history books read I've never read that ALL the species of life in the world were only in that location. Adding that

I can't see them coming there of their own accord, as they are wild animals and I don't see some of them �talking�

to each other and saying we are part of an herd of thousands, lets draw lots on who has the cruise trip.
Now come on! Talk about the impossible, but that is a corker. Even a supertanker of modern day couldn't have the

capacity for that exercise10.

SO! Instead of going off chasing myths, I think I'll just go back to the 1980's when I had a good holiday and

return to Mallorca (Majorca) put my elbows on George's bar and say, una La Mumba por favor!

Adios, amigos!

I don't care WHO made this wine, you are not getting in <br/>
that tardis until you sober up!

Time-Travel Challenge Archive

Prof Animal Chaos

25.10.10 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Like the London Underground, you mean? – DG.2Matthew 5-7. Since there are no major

mountains in Galilee, some people think "hill" would be a better translation, but who wants to call it "sermon on

the Speedbump"? – DG.
3You and whose army? There are

privacy laws in Palestine, you know.
4According to Matthew 1, this was considered. Nothing like a good vision to change a fellow's mind,

though. – DG.
5Unless current tinfoil-hat research is correct, and it was all caused by a volcano on

Santorini. – DG.
6Angels have a warped sense of humour. – DG.7We believe

you, but suggest that you invest in a crash helmet when going through the Bible Belt. – DG.
8Such as

Hammurabi? – DG.
9How true. How sad. – DG.10You are travelling in what? A tardis? Define "dimensionally

transcendental"... – DG.

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