h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello, This bit of fluff has languished unread on my Forum's doorstep for nearly a year now. Then I finally stumbled upon CAC. So now I can find out how large my delusion of grandeur is:

Oh, God, is there ever to be any age of happiness? Is there never to be any rest?" - Mr. Passworthy, THINGS TO COME, 1936

My Discovery: Restons --- Anti-Exersion Sub-Atomic Particles

One day as I sate reclined in a Newtonian mood, it struck me. No, not a hurtling bit of fruit. But an idea. Being so reclined, I realized that I presented the largest possible surface area to the sky, the optimum condition for gathering Restons. These sub-atomic particles from space cause organic bodies to rest. This explains why motion is so unrestful -- only a minimum or even a negative number of restons are able to penetrate the human frame in motion. Why in that mode, we must blow them off like sweat. Seated, we get a fair amount, but reclining, ah, it's all simple surface area. Science finally meets the art of relaxation, Mr. Passworthy.

If the great cosmologist, Sir Arthur Eddington, were still alive, or at least I'm pretty sure he's dead, I apologize if I'm wrong. Anyway, he would surely ask me, "Like other sub-atomics, are there great clouds of Restons swanning about the ether?" Sir Arthur was never afraid to ask the hard questions. I would say "Sir Arthur, you may be assured of it. As we're speaking now, Jodrell Bank is about to fire up its first Restonian telescope, which will settle the matter for everyone except Sir Fred Hoyle." Oh sorry, Sir Fred is no longer with us either, nor have I yet submitted my plans for the Restonian scope to J-Bank. But rest assured, I shall! After a bit of lie down.

What if we discover great clouds of Restons? Will space travel afford the greatest relaxation imaginable? Will huge Reston sail craft shepherd clouds of Restons to Earth? Can it used as a weapon against countries with demanding work ethics? Can Restons be generated on Earth with a huge new Cyclorestronic facilities? We're talking big science now, for these are Big Questions.

So, I knew that I had found a decent substitute for the disreputable theory of Resticles. More disgusting than Sir Fred's panspermia, that demotion of the Ether to some sort of cosmic pre-ejaculate, Resticle thoery only applied to male athletes in Sri Lanka anyway. No, you don't want to know the details, and leave Sir Arthur Clarke alone. Yes, he is still alive as far as I know.

All I can say is: the Nobel Prize committee may call me any day now.

If no one else responds in the next couple of days please go to the Underguide section (see link on h2g2 Front Page) and ask if anyone there is working on CAC these days.
My own involvement is impossible these days having only four or five hours a week in total online access from a library.

BTW: I enjoyed your piece and suggest you also submit it directly to the Editors of the H2G2Post.


~jwf~