h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You enter what looks at first glance to be an emergency room... but what kind of medical treatments take place here? There's a large tub in one corner that is filled with warm pasta (and just a hint of olive oil so it doesn't "stick"), two metal examination tables (both vibrating of course) with velcro straps mounted on them, licorice whips and pairs of psychedelic rubber "turn your head and cough" gloves hang on hooks on the walls. There are many glass cabinets around the room with various lotions, ointments, salves, syrups, poltices, bandages, flowers, fruits, nuts and lots of stored in them. A tall, voluptuous woman introduces herself as "Dr. Michele" and takes your hand - leading you over to one of the tables... you notice immediately how warm her hands are and how comfortable she makes you feel... Maybe it is time to schedule that physical after all!

Hi michelle I erm have a problem with my back it sort of hurts just here
*points to his lower back*
i wonder if you could help

*wanders in, tail twitching, and carrying a 'house (ermmm... hospital) warming' basket filled with several brightly wrapped boxes of 'ho red 'turn your head and cough' gloves, an assortment of chocolates, an enema bag filled with olive oil and three hanging IV bags filled with , and pre-mixed inis*

Here Dear! Thought you could use them.

*hops up on one of the tables to drink a ini, but the table is set on 'high', causing her to spill her drink*

H-h-h-h-eyyyyy th-th-th-this-is i-i-is a-a-a g-g-g-gr-eat t-t-t-ta-b-b-ble! D-d-d-do y-y-you-ou h-h-ha-v-v-ve an-an-any t-t-tip-ip-ippy b-b-bo-t-t-tle-les s-s-so I-I-I d-d-don-t-t-t sp-sp-ill-l m-m-my d-d-ri-nk?

hey michele

i need my physical, i am gonna be doing Crew in a week and they require a physical, so i thought i would have you do one for me

*watches with interest as Michele hauls Galen off to an exam room, pausing only to grab a pair of chartreuse TYH&C gloves, a speculum and a jar of maple-habanero balm*
*runs after Michele and snags the speculum, changing it for the heavy-duty velcro straps Michele probably meant to use* Phew!

is right

Nice place you got here....

Thanks for the basket of goodies Batty! - Tippy cups are there to your left in the upper metal cabinet. Mind you don't drink out the the tippy cup while you're vibrating - it makes fuzzy bubbles in your nose!

*gets Galen situated in the exam room - rubs the balm on and lets it "soak in" be fore she starts the exam, steps out of the exam room and gets a tube of pulsing ginger-brown suger-horseradish ointment and applies to Tuc's lower back. Leads Tuc over to one of the vibrating tables - has him lay down on the vibrating exam table and straps him down with velcro. Turns the table's vibration setting to "mild", and it's heat setting to "MMm that feels good". Goes back in to get started on Galen's (ahem) exam...*

How did you like your soak in the pasta tub last night PS?

Was luvverly thanks
*picks pasta out of his *

*looks worriedly at tuc*

are you sure it is alright to leave him strapped down like that?

*goes over to the IV bags and puts some of her ini in a tippy cup then goes back to one of the vibrating exam tables, cranks it up to 'WHOA NELLY!' and hops on* WOOHOO!!!!! Ride 'em cow!!

*has fallen into to a deep sleep dreaming of fast bikes and even faster women*

*Remembers he really should add Tuc to the front page as he was the first convert to come from our new page*

*hops off the table and ends up skittering across the room like a bleeper going off, landing gracelessly in the pasta tub*

i have not checked out the pasta tub yet

*decides to in a bitty*

*Michele putters around the hospital - making sure all the velcro straps are in good condition. She hangs up several sets of new rubber gloves. Checks out the electric cattle prod to make sure it's functional... zzzpt - YEEEEOOOOOWWW! Yup! It works fine Polishes all of the stainless steel and glassware, and puts new pasta in the pasta tub*

*checks out the new items*
ZPPPPPPPTT!!!

new items, where




i must have fallen asleep

during my examination!!!