The Post Horror Scope
Created | Updated Feb 6, 2002
You'll all be happy to know that I've taken up a new past-time, Fortune Telling. It has taken me many years of fruitless research to become what my teacher once described as, "A totally inept idiot with about as much natural talent as a constipated prune." I know, with comments like that, you will all feel safe in my hands, and become to trust in my innate gift.
Each week, barring unforseen circumstances, I will be bringing you 'The Post Horror Scope'. I will be putting my mighty talent to work for you, the readers, and helping you, by telling you, what I foresee in your collective futures.
The Horror Scope is divided rather neatly up into twelve sections, January through to December, and you will be able to tell which section you fall under by looking to the day you joined H2G2.
For those of you with limited understanding, I will explain further. If you joined H2G2 on the 25th April 2001, then your section will be April and you can read your future under that section heading.
I am skilled in many forms of Fortune Telling, such as, tea leaves, tarot cards, tiddlywinks, astrology, palmistry, whingy board and the crystal ball. I have dabbled in intestines and urine, sometimes at the same time, but found it hard cleaning under my nails, so I gave those up due to the bad smell.
I am quite willing to answer all questions and queries regarding this subject, and if wanted I can help with problems from researchers via e-mail. I cannot reply to each individual e-mail personally, but will give the answer to your problems on the Horror Scope page. Please send your letters and queries to me Mystic Greebs.
JANUARY
A stranger will enter into your life mid-week, you will know them as you will not have met them before. I predict happy times to come, and life will definately take a turn for the better.
FEBRUARY
The crystal ball showed the number 42 will mean a great deal to you at the weekend. Or it could have been 24, as I dropped the ball and was not sure which way up it was. Anyway, this might just be a lucky lottery number for you.
MARCH
I foresee a horse crossing your path on Friday, your roses will bloom magnificently this year. Do not answer the phone at three pm. on Sunday, it will be a double glazing salesperson.
APRIL
A stray cat will cross your path on Tuesday, be kind to it and offer it a doughnut as this will bring you luck for the rest of the week. This would be a good time to finish that guide entry you have been working on.
MAY
The cards show that it would be a good time to throw away that unwanted junk sitting on your computer desk. I see that the colour puce will be very lucky for you this week, maybe you should buy a jumper.
JUNE
Do not be afraid of the one armed man, he is on the run from the police but will not harm you. Uranus is in a very good position at the moment, don't move. You have been warned!!!
JULY
Today would be a good day to start the rest of your life. Try to stand on one leg if you can, hopping is very good for the soul, and particularily good for you this week.
AUGUST
A letter will arrive for you this week, be careful how you open it, or you will get a paper cut, and you know how much they hurt!!!!
SEPTEMBER
The spirits of the Whingy Board spoke through me and said, " Do not eat lettuce in the second half of the week, green salad vegtables are not good for you." A promise will be broken by a friend.
OCTOBER
I see sleepless nights ahead this week, especially if you live in Seattle. Take time and relax for a while, life is to short to rush through it.
NOVEMBER
Try not to think to harsh of someone who has spoken ill of you. The cards reveal a hidden agenda will become unhidden if you bide your time.
DECEMBER
The moon has shown that the night will be dark on Sunday. Be wary of a packet of biscuits, they are there to tempt you.
DISCLAIMER
As we all know fortune telling is not an exact science, so Greebo T. Cat, The Post and indeed H2G2 cannot be held responsible for anything printed in The Horror Scope that is not one hundred percent truthfully. To be honest, I think you should all be jolly happy if one percent on the predictions come true.
This statement in no way refutes Ms Cat's mystical gifts. So there!!!
Mystic Greebs
