Survival Tips for Talking Poetry with Vogons

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Have you been at a party where your eyes started glazing over with the deep and meaningless conversation of the cunningly disguised Vogon next to you? He's oh, so clever - he's zeroed in on you, knowing deep in the funny beating thing in his chest that you're too polite to tell him where to place the nibbly thing he picks up now and then.

Well... in this short article, you will learn how to cope with these Vogons... what their plan is, how they try to achieve it, how you can successfully ruin their mission.

I'm Almirena - survivor of Parties with Vogons. Been there, done that, have the spacesuit...

Let's talk about Vogons. Now... as we know, they have a fondness for big yellow vehicles, right? They usually drive up to parties in huge clunking cars made quite some years ago (although some modern Vogons have invested in new and expensive yellow Jaguars, or even sporty little yellow MGs). The point is, the car will be yellow. That's your first clue.

Secondly, they're - um... what is the politically correct way to say that they're fairly ugly? Gross, actually. Drooling, probably. Their lips might look like fat sausages, and their eyes like squinting little raisins... their skin might resemble the stuff a middle-aged woman smears on her face (called "Cucumber Age-Reducing Lotion" or something).

Thirdly, it's almost a given that they'll exude a rather disgusting odour. Dead giveaway...

Fourthly, they have a habit - a very very very bad habit... Yes, they'll be buttonholers. I.E., they will do a search-and-locate thing, fasten their beady eyes on you, and then herd you into a corner. The Vogon who manages to get you into that corner hasn't in mind a spot of slap and tickle... no, no. He wants to BORE you to death. (Boredom is the in-thing now with Vogons.)

The Vogon will talk to you about his model train set, or his spoon collection, or how to identify the mating call of a cobble-swarbed burble-bluster (the rare blue variety, of course). He might - MIGHT - even talk about his poetry. Yes. The Vogons haven't quite forgotten the stunning effect of their poetic endeavours. So... if you see a Vogon reaching into his pocket, stammering relentlessly, "I've just got a little poem of mine here, would you like to hear it?" - you know you're in trouble.

The time to take action is right at the start, when you see their yellow vehicle. If you are fortunate enough to spot that car, then don't even stop to apologise to your host or hostess - just RUN, RUN, RUN! And don't look back.

Unfortunately, we're not all in such a fortunate circumstance. Sometimes the Vogon in question will have cunningly blocked your car in, thus necessitating endless herding into corners while he explains painstakingly that he hopes he hasn't blocked you in, and he hopes you don't have to leave in a hurry.

So... there you are. Dressed in a rather nice outfit, probably... and of course, the instant that Vogon comes in the door, he'll know. He'll just know. He'll know that you are a HITCHHIKER...

Why does he try to destroy you? Simple: his mission, in fact the mission of ALL Vogons, is to exterminate people who care about life, the universe, and everything, who give fish to dolphins, who refuse to read instructions about toothpicks, who have a towel, and who know the truth about Italian bistros. Be warned: you're on their hit list.

Are you convinced now of the deadly danger? Then read on...

He'll have identified you by some complex process that I don't understand (I think it involves soap mines and bath tubs, and there's something there about chicken bones, too), and he will immediately head in your direction. You have options at this point:

1. "Oh [insert name of host/hostess], I have a terrible headache - I have to go NOW!"
2. Tell everyone you're going to the necessarium, and then duck out the back. (You can vary this by saying you're going to get another drink, or get some ice, or something.)

If he's already being introduced to you before you know you've been Vogonned, then more serious measures are called for. You absolutely CANNOT tell him you know who he is... no. You can't do it. If you do, you'll be ejected into deep space. The name of the game is to pretend you're as innocent as he's pretending HE is.

1. You tell HIM you've got a terrible headache, need to go to the necessarium, need to refresh your drink, etc., and duck out the back. (NOTE: He probably won't believe you, and will keep talking in a rabbity fashion. If you DID need to use the facilities, you'd be in serious trouble of disgracing yourself while in this person's clutches.)
2. You say, "Oh, I just LOVE model train sets! [or whatever it is he is pretending to collect] Let me get my catalogues of model train sets from my car. Wait here. Sit here and write down which sets you have - and we'll compare lists when I get back!" A beaming smile works wonders with this technique. THEN you go out to your car and drive away as fast as you can.
3. You spill your drink on him, so that he will have to go to the bathroom and wash off the mess. (NOTE: He's probably already got lots of spilled drinks on him and won't consider it necessary to wash up. Darn.)
4. You tread very heavily on his foot. It's got to be a thorough job (especially good if you're wearing stilettos). Make sure you gouge RIGHT IN, so that his fake blood begins to pour out of the wound. He'll either decide it's too dangerous to keep talking to you, or that he can spare the time to limp to the bathroom to put on several rolls of bandage.
5. You scream, "HELP! HELP! He tried to TOUCH ME!" and run through the room yelping piteously. You can then accuse the Vogon of having attempted to conduct an unnecessary body search, threaten to get the police, and then leave with some solicitous guests who will escort you to your car.
6. You tell him that people who collect spoons (or recite poetry, or note down mating calls of birds) are seriously psychologically disturbed, and then - at the top of your voice - you recite a list of why you think he fits the 'psychologically disturbed' pattern. He will not be able to stand this for long, believe me. (Of course, you'll also never be invited to any parties by your friends again...unless they too have been Vogonned in the past.)

All in all, I hope this has given you some tips on how to survive in the treacherous Party-Vogon situation. Let me know if you find it useful, and remember...

The only good Vogon is one that was never, ever hatched.

Dr. Almirena Scholasticoricus. "Let Vogons be bygones."

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