A Conversation for Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Peer Review : A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 1

kitrapsjasani

Entry: Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe - A61837095
Author: kitrapsjasani - U10755862

This describes the events that led up to the Irsaeli commandos rescuing the hostages at Entebbe, Uganda and the aftermath as well as the dramatisations of the event..


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 2

Vip

Hi there. Just to let you know - this not something I know anything about, so I am coming from a complete layman point of view.

smiley - biroWhilst your introduction to Uganda is interesting, I would start with a brief introduction to the raid, rather than a description of where it happens (that could come in the next paragraph). A rough overview of the people concerned would be useful (keeping your more detailed descriptions where they are. smiley - smiley).

smiley - biroWhich country is King Mutesa the king of?

smiley - biro"...to use against Tanzania as he wanted a war." Why did he want the war? Was it for land or resources or something else?

This Entry is full of information, but sometimes it is presented too quickly for someone with no knowledge of the event to grasp. When writing a sentence, try not to let it run on too long. Often you introduce several new concepts at once, and it would be easier to follow if they were broken down into shorter sentences.

There is a good story here, it's jsut sometimes a liitle hard to follow. Once we get that sorted, this will be a good read. smiley - ok

I look forward to it!

Vip
smiley - fairy


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 3

kitrapsjasani

Hi Vip.

Thanks for the advise which I always appreciate. I have made some changes to this, which includes the mention of the event. Regarding the description, I have left this for the moment as I feel that it creates an atmosphere of the country, location, etc and it also gives a bit of geographical information.

I will also try and shorten some of the sentences as soon as I can. Please do let me know anything else that you feel can be oof help.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 4

h5ringer

Hello Kip. Nice to see you writing again. You've written a number of entries now for h2g2, none of which could ever be accused of being short on detail smiley - biggrin

I think it's now time you took a good hard look at your sentences, which often have a tendency to ramble on a bit. It's difficult to give specific directions on how to improve this, other than stating the obvious of making (some of) them shorter, but be careful not to overdo it and make the entry read in a very staccato fashion.

Instead, what I've done is to take your opening paragraph and recut it as I would have written it. I've tried to make as few word changes as possible, concentrating more on sentence structure. Below are both your and my versions of the same text. Try reading them both aloud and see how they compare.

See what you think. If you still prefer it your way, then by all means stick with it.

Your text:
<>

My version:
<>

smiley - 2centssmiley - towel

h5ringer
Scout


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 5

Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

erm, sorry, but isn't uniqueness a major part of hootoo, and the Edited Guide...

People's writing styles are different, that doesn't mean they are wrong, just different. smiley - ok

Emmily
smiley - bluebutterfly


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 6

Vip

Indeed, but when they start to cause problems to readers, we need to address them. This Entry suffers a little from information overload and it will cause many readers to switch off.
If we can just tweak things a little, without changng too much, it will still sound like Kip but not put people off.

At least, that's the plan. smiley - smiley If everyone sounded like me the Guide would be boring!

smiley - fairy


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 7

h5ringer

<

Absolutely true Emmily, but Kip's entries are always very lengthy, and reading long entries when the sentences meander a bit is very tiring; I suspect some readers may give up. This would be a shame as the material deserves an audience.

Far be it from me to try to impose my style on Kip. I'm trying to give an example of how I think the readability could be improved and thus hopefully keep the reader's interest.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 8

kitrapsjasani

Hi h5ringer.

I agree with you and shall try and do this asap. Let me know where else I can make the adjustments that you feel may be of help.

As always, I do appreciate help and advise.


smiley - smileysmiley - tea


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 9

kitrapsjasani

I would like to thank "Not So Bald Eagle" as I was helped on information regarding Embakasi airport, which I have mentioned here. The information received from "Not So Bald Eagle" was what I had known and that was that the current airport in Kenya, "Jomo Kenyatta Intenational" was not operational at the time when the Israeli planes landed in Kenya to refuel. A lot of websites have mentioned that this airport was operational and that it was where the planes landed to refuel. When in reality the fact was that it was not and that it was at Embaksai. I was in Kenya when the planes landed and that was the only International airport there at the time but for a while, until "Not So Bald Eagle" helped on that, I thougt that my memory was wrong. But I have checked through the information given and we are both correct.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 10

Lanzababy - Guide Editor

Hi Kit,

You've obviously put a huge amount of time and effort into researching and writing this latest piece.


I have a couple of observations. The first is about the length of this entry, being at 5017 words a lot longer than most. As your title is 'The Raid on Entebbe' I wonder whether there is a lot of background information that could be condensed (edited) so as to make it a bit more approachable by the majority of readers. The <./>writing-guidelines</.> suggest anything longer than 1200 words should perhaps be split into more than one part.

The second observation is that some of it is written as a dramatisation, such as:

>>> The following day, the hostages and the crew were ordered into the airport terminal, where, once again, they were greeted by the Ugandan dictator.

“Shalom, shalom,” said Idi Amin, as he greeted the hostages.

“Mr President,” said a female hostage.

“I am his Excellency, Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada, appointed by god almighty to be your saviour,” yelled out the Ugandan President, before the femal hostage could continue with her sentence.<<<


The Edited Guide has to give a factual account of events such as this.
If actual historical quotes are to be used, they must be verifiable.


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 11

kitrapsjasani

Hi lanzababy - Pirate - Scout - adrift on life's ocean

I can make changes in the way that the quote are written. But I am not sure what you mean by verifiable. I mean I can write down such as:

Amin greeted the hostages in Hebrew, when one of the female passengers called him and before she could finish of her sentence, he yelled out that he was "Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada" and that he was appinted by god to be their saviour.

The quotes, however, were used in a documentary. What do you suggest? Let me know as it would be of help. Something that I do remember from the times that I lived in Kenya was that Amin did call himself "Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada."
I am also slowly going through the sentencing by trying to make them shorter I do look forward to receiving advise and help.

smiley - winkeye


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 12

Lanzababy - Guide Editor

Hi Kit,

To clarify - if Amin was on record as saying anything that you have included as being said by hime - either on TV footage of a live event, or in a recorded interview - then it would be a proper quote. If you are using a dramatisation of the event ( played by actors) then different rules apply. I am not sure from what you have written whether the quotes are taken from life or from what is often called 'faction'
- a sort of fictionalised documentary.


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 13

kitrapsjasani

Hi lanzababy - Pirate - Scout - adrift on life's ocean.

What you have mentioned about the length is right and I do hope that it is possible to divide it into parts. You may notice that a couple of my articles have been divided into parts. I am, however, trying to shorten the sentences where ever I can but it is taking me time as the research side took a longer than I had expected and worked on it over christmas and new year. But I am looking at making the advised changes and therefore look forward to hearing from you and others as well on this.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 14

kitrapsjasani

Hi lanzababy - Pirate - Scout - adrift on life's ocean.

The quote was from a documentary that I had seen some months back while researching.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 15

kitrapsjasani

Hi lanzababy - Pirate - Scout - adrift on life's ocean.

Just been thinking a bit about the quotes and that is what if I were to remove the quotes and just mention that "again, the hostages were greeted by Amin." What do you suggest?

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 16

Lanzababy - Guide Editor

I, personally, think that the simpler you make it, the easier for yourself Kit. Also, you won't get people asking where the quotes were from. My advice is to stick to the facts, and make it as clear as possible. Try to say things in as few words as possible may be a good exercise here.

smiley - ok


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 17

kitrapsjasani

Hi lanzababy - Pirate - Scout - adrift on life's ocean.

I apologise for not being able to get back to you earlier as I had some issues with the machine, which have now been, hopefully resolved.

I entirely agree with you - keep to the facts and make it shorter. I will also ttry and condense the sentences a bit as well. But do let me know what you think about the article. It will take me some time to do this but it will be done.

I do apprecaite all your help and advise at all times.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 18

Menthol Penguin - Currently revising/editing my book

<>

Glad they're sorted. I'll try and rad this some time in the future.smiley - book

btw if you want to abbreviate my name, feel free. After all typing the whole thing out would be a painsmiley - winkeye Most people use MP or something similar.smiley - cheers


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 19

kitrapsjasani

I am now starting to re - work this a bit but it will take some time. In the meantime, I will leave this on for further assistance, ideas etc, which I have always received on here and have very much appreciated it.

smiley - smiley


A61837095 - Operation Thunderbolt - Raid on Entebbe

Post 20

kitrapsjasani

I hope, that once this is completed, I am able to include this in another article that I am considering regarding Middle East and Israel.

smiley - smiley


Key: Complain about this post