Police Jokes (and funny police stories)

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A member of the special constabulary.

An unlucky thief on his midnight prowl had a surprise when he decided to lever open the door of a home computer delivery van. As the doors sprang open, he was confronted by three burly PCs in full uniform drinking coffee. Of all the vans in the car park he had chosen the police surveillance van. Dropping the crowbar in shock, he said, 'I'm nicked aren't I?'

Police caught a man climbing out of an old person's house window at two o'clock in the morning, he was clutching a TV. Knowing full well that he would be arrested, he said to the officers, 'I don't suppose you would believe me if I told you I was only borrowing it?'

A man rang the police to report the theft of his tax disc from his car, when asked for his address, the man said, 'Go up the road, past the fish shop, turn up that road that goes past the place that sells a lot of things, then up the hill. You can't go wrong. It's Brian's Street.' Asked if he was sure it was Brian's Street, the man replied, 'Yes, Brian lives just down the road.'

The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.
"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.
"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car, "Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, "Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

Things NOT to say to an officer of the law

I only had one officer Keg.

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin' Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow."

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.
The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.
The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".


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