The h2g2 Poem: First Car

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First Car

Deduction : car is not in motion.

Examine engine with devotion.

Duck oil offered. Spark plugs burnished.

Next-door-neighbour's jump-leads furnished.

Late for work, your mate disparages

Your miserly dislike of garages.

Even when you get it running

The damn thing needs five minute's gunning.

The neighbours comment on the odour

Including those who drive a Skoda.

It's started now. You're past the worst

If you can get it out of first.

Take your time for the first few feet

‘Cos we'll need the brakes by the end of the street.

Once up to speed, you'll be OK

(It's pulling to the left today)

In future would you kindly warn us

Of screeching noises when it corners?

A mile to the shops should be all right.

For the next six hours it'll still be light.

(Approaching nightfall makes things fraughter

When your nearside headlamp's full of water)

You've taken longer than you told her

Looking for the tail-pipe on the hard shoulder.

Your girlfriend didn't find it funny.

She's called a cab, and taken your money.

(The taxi found the house because it's

Marked with kerbside oil deposits)

Alone for the evening on your sofa smelly,

Watching Jeremy Clarkson on the telly.

You know that the car has got to go.

The woman you want is telling you so.

She'll never offer treats vaginal

When stretched out on denatured vinyl.

You know that you can't afford to fix it.

So you leave the keys in and hope someone nicks it.

Poetry by Various Contributors


07.12.09 Front Page

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