A large percentage of the world is covered in water. That we know from satelite pictures taken of the earth beamed back to our TV sets. But if you haven't got a TV, go to the beach and just look at the sea - it's f**kin' massive. But if you thought 'water, water was everywhere'¹, check out Oxygen! Oxygen really is everywhere. You can't see it, but you can feel it. If it's windy. In fact, wind is just fast oxygen. Or oxygen mixed with hydrogen. Whatever... we need it to breathe, it's essential to all life and it's precious. Without oxygen, the air we breathe, would taste totally different. In fact, it'd probably taste crap.

The History of Oxygen

Some folk say that oxygen was discovered independently by both Joseph Priestley, and Carl Wilhelm Scheele, during the years 1770 and 1780. But others argue that in 1604, Polish Alchemist Michael Sendivogius identified a 'hidden food of life' present in air, and realised that this substance was at the very root of all life on earth. And this stuff was called air, or oxygen. Same difference. Anyway, the story goes that Sendivogius' insights into the nature and uses of oxygen enabled the Dutch inventor and alchemist, Cornelis Drebbel (drivel, more like), to sail a twelve-man crew under the Thames for three hours in a wooden submarine! This amazing feat was reputedly witnessed by James I in 1621.

Frankly speaking, that's b*****ks. I don't think they'd even invented the boat by then. But it does point to the fact that scientists were very much interested in chemistry and air and stuff like that. (Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!)

Human Biology

Humans need oxygen to fuel the body, to feed the lungs, to power the limbs and and to keep the brain functioning. We breathe air in through our nose or our mouth and fill up two bags, called lungs. Incidentally, these are not to be confused with the two external glands we see on women. These are called mammary glands, or breasts. This gets a bit confusing when you get men who stare at women and say things like, 'Great lungs!'. Anyway, inner lungs act like bellows which then push oxygen around the body. So, we can see that oxygen acts like petrol in a car. It fires the muscles up, keeps them nice and pink, and makes you fit and healthy. Doing lots of exercise has the effect of making the lungs and heart work harder, therefore you take in more air and thus MORE oxygen.

In my experience, I don't think the human body can have too much oxygen. Indeed, if there is an excessive mix of air/oxygen in the human body, there exist mechanisms to expell it. We can either release air up through the mouth, colloquially known as 'burping'. Or we can release it from the anus, which again, colloquially is known as a 'farting'. Or guffing, or parping, or letting one rip, or chuffing one off (actually that might mean masturbating).

Interesting Facts

• An adult at rest uses 0.5 litres of oxygen per minute for breath intake. During a life span of 70 years this means a consumption of 18 million litres. Some people don't even drink that much beer.

• Two-thirds of the human body is oxygen; the rest is made up of water, blood, bones and undigested food.

• At -183° C the gas becomes a light bluish liquid which is slightly heavier than water. Absolut vodka? Or absolute sh**e? I just don't beleive this.

• Oxygen is not poisonous (think about it, dickbeater, we breathe it all day). But take a lot of oxygen in one go, maybe from a fire extinguisher, and you will get severley intoxicated. Think Thai stick (or Malawi Wowie) times ten.

• The great Kris Kristofferson said there are but four rules in life: Tell the truth, Sing with passion, Work with laughter and Love with heart.

Oxygen on Mars

Is there Oxygen on Mars? If you're a Bowie fan, like me, then you can only respond to that question with another. Do bears sh*t in the woods? When David Bowie sang 'Life On Mars', he wasn't joking. Ironically, I was actually very much alone in life when I first heard this song and it was such a relief to think that I could have kinship with aliens. I really believe they do exist. In fact, I think I may have even snogged one once. You see, I don't generally get on with humans, for I am a complex person. Anyway, recently it has been discovered that water has existed/does exist on Mars. The chemical formula for water is W2H2O (water, hydrogen, oxygen) and therefore oxygen on Mars means life on Mars. Bowie was right.

There needs to be more scientific work done here, but soon we should be able to live on Mars, making use of machines that will extract the oxygen from the water found in the rocks.

Plants in a Room

Everybody is concerned about pollution, holes in the ozone forest, the disappearence of completely naked tribes people - all this worries us. But what can be done? What can YOU do? Well, buy a plant, that's what. A friend told me that putting lots of plants and flowers in a room (buying new ones frequently) is environmentally good practise. Why? Because they make oxygen. What was his job? A florist. Anyway, how this all works, Christ only knows, but if everyone kept ten plants in their bedroom and opened the window a little, the plant-made oxygen would circulate out, totally oxygenating the world, cancelling out pollution from cars.

People really have to be more conscientious towards the planet and not be afraid of science.

Oxygen - the Music

Oxygen was a famous album made by French electronic musician, Jean-Michel Jamjar. But, interestingly enough, there's another French lot, also trippy musicians, who call themselves Air. Hot air, if you ask me. This stuff's sh**e.

The Hollies wrote a song called 'The Air That I Breathe', one of the great ecological anthems of our time. That, and 'Iron Man' by Black Sabbath.

The Holy Men of India

Some religus people in India are extremely good at yoga. They take it to such extremes that they can hold their breath for weeks and weeks on end, burying themselves in the sand, like smiling Indian ostriches. This begs the question, do we actually need oxygen? Can we train our bodies to do without it? Is oxygen therefore addictive? Will I look like a t**t in front of my mates if I do a headstand? Again, more research needs to be done here.