h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

this bar is now open.

BARTENDER WANTED
the rules are these:

*3 drink minimum

*do not maim the sheep outside with out permission

*no talking about anything that vaugly aproaches normality

*and give a sugestion for a fourth rule

-phil(thingite private investigator and minister of sarcasm and owner of this bar.)

*frowns at the total lack of patronage in his bar. closes it up for the day and goes outside to count his sheep*

Gets here to find NO-ONE serving so I'll just help myself. Now what's this bottle here? MMmm, 'Creme de Sheep Dip' looks interesting. I'll just pour some into this large sherry schooner. Interesting colour, and interesting pond-life swimming in it! Now I'll just go and sit next to this bow window by the copy of Bosch's Temptation of St. Anthony on the wall and look out over the valley to see the sun come up. (sips drink) Mmm, very nice. I think I'll be here for a while. Feel free to join me if you wander in through the old door, cheers!

It's 8:40am here if your sun dial's broken.

*saunters in*
So, door open, no barman. Don't think I can face the Creme de Dip, not at this time of the morning.

I'll just have a and a packet of flavour .

Oh, and that Bosch. It's not a copy. Think our PI must have had a holiday in Portugal recently...

You know, the sheep dip's not too bad after it's disabled about 75% of your tastebuds. So the Bosch is real? That may expain the laser outer frame. I think timing is a logistical matter at the moment for any type of 'real time' response. I'm GMT+ 3hours,but this is billed as the middle of nowhere bar so I suppose its patrons can come from, well..anywhere.
I'll keep dipping back in during the rest of the afternoon to see if anyone's about. Cheers!

That pretty much sums up hootoo and, especially, Thingism.

*Coming to you live from the middle of everywhere*

"....man it's cold out there! (Oh nobody about, phil's either still counting the sheep or trying to keep the badgers away from them).

Oh well I'll help myself to

turns and sees Heronymus "B" painting, ... "yeah okay I suppose, a bit busy and red for my taste, prefer the Dali version, all legs and stuff..."

(oh boy, "and stuff" that was erudite! NOT)

fishes then heads of to do battle with kids demands for money!

*walks in and orders some and a slice of *

*Comes back in after putting scarfs on his sheeps, rubbing his hands from the cold front. hands Dr anthea a glass of and and pours a mug of for him self.*

Hello every one. i like the middle of nowhere remark.

*takes the items and goes to sit down*

*Looks around at the strange selection of furnishings: fine italian art work, licence plates, a ceiling painted with a montage of sheep swedish fish and a man on a rocketpowered grand piano blasting across the sky. christmas lights adorn lots of the room and a disco paralelligram sticks out of one of the walls. there is a pool table, dart board, tables and an estonishing selectment of drinks behind the counter.*

Youl have to be happy with rather simple drinks as i am not a professional bartender. anyone want to become one?

Ah well at least a few have been in since I was last here. I must say the place looks as if it has been tidied up. Is there a phantom shift cleaning staff? Why, even the aspidistra in the corner seems to have had its leaves sprayed and dusted since yesterday.

Due to the erratic presence of bar staff and the 24 hours opening times, I'll continue to help myself and put my money in this fine porcelain piggy with a slot in its back.

I'll have a pint of stout, a bag of scratchings and sit next to my favourite bow window and relax.

The Christmas lights are illuminating a rather empty corner space. when's the tree coming from the plantation further up the valley? Does anyone have any info on that?

Cheers!

>when's the tree coming from the plantation further up the valley?<

When it grows legs.

It's not bleedin' Chr*stm*s yet! Perlease! It's still only October! Agggghhh!

God I need after that!

*pours three pints of Middle of Nowhere Best Bitter and collapses in a comfy armchair as far away from the fairy lights as possible*

We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.lol

Hello oh agent of Scrooge! To quote dear old (now sadly departed) David Rappaport from a 1970's Tiswas show as he was slowly being lowered from the studio ceiling dressed as one of Santa's dwarfs, "Good morning children, there's only 60 shoplifting days left to Christmas."

Hope the is ok. Anyone else around?

keep the Christmas for the right time, I haven't paid for the last one yet!

MB strolls to bar..."Phils away again I see, probably getting bobble hats for the sheep. He'll not need to get as many, my ninja weasels are loose and hungry...

Helps himself to ... asks the room "any more for anymore? drops money on bar (extra for replacing "lost" sheep) and retires to large leather chesterfield by the fire...

David Rappaport, eh TISWAS... jeez that takes me back to a misspent youth and my misspent early adult life with OTT (Sally....), was drifting into adolescent memories there!

Was he the leader of the thieves in "Time Bandits"?

*gives everyone what they ordered and pours him self a large and sits down in his laz-e-throne*

The Christmas lights dont nessisarily mean its christmas, they just seem more interesting then your normal halogen bulbs.

MB....accepts drink....

In the spirit of the pre Christmas, nearly halloween and I can hear fireworks outside this early, my God I thought that was against the law now, season.

...Big breath in...

The ninja weasels have been sent off to a large department store to purloin everything on my Christmas list. So the are safe (unless the badgers turn on them)

the badgers are trained to work with the sheep, not maim them.

check again!

Morning to all. Despite protestations about the 'X' mas word, it's been mentioned at least 5 times subsequently!

Yes David Rappaport was in the Time Bandits.

Badgers AND sheep! mmmmm, I'll have to be more carefull about which footwear I arrive in next time I call.

Now, for a morning snifter, (shuffles behind the counter, downs a rather urgent barley wine then opts for a pint of black stuff to accompany the newspaper and window seat.)