h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*shoots sparky with new rebodifying gun (tm)*

*a sort of pinkish goop splots out which then oozes across the floor towards sparky finally surrounding him and forming into some sort of body around his spirit form*

it's not perfect yet... if you think about something hard enough your body changes shape to resemble that thing... it's also a bit gross... in a slightly sticky sort of way

*turns into a stapler*

Wow, it works! Anyone want me to staple anything?

We could staple together the pages of Kipper's books.

Nah, I ate Kipper's books in an experiment to see if I could download information by digesting books. I had to consume his entire library before I had a conclusive result.

As it turns out, no, I could not.

Oh well, we could just staple old food to his walls. The Simpsons tell me that banana skins stick very well

Let's do it! And while we're at it, we could staple penguin corpses to his wall and write "WE.KNOW WHAT YOU DID" with their blood.

*Holds up penguin corpse*

Do you ever get the feeling that some of the things we do are not normal?

No? me neither

Nah! Of course not! What else would people do with a stapler and a bunch of penguins?

Stop squirming, staples through the skin don't hurt that much!

*Starts writing with a hand full of bloody penguin gizzards.*

If we carry on like this, we're going to have to stop another penguin revolt

Oh don't worry. I have an army of Polar Bears in the cellar, and there are sensors that react to penguin violence and release them.