The Art of Adultery
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
This is specially written for adulterers, people who dream of committing adultery but don't have the time/energy/heart/guts to do so but still think they may have a look at how it is done and for those who are just browsing for interesting entries.
Firstly, it should be noted that I have never even kissed another girl whilst involved. So I have no experience on the matter and the proceeding advice is most probably cobblers.
Secondly, if your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend is a psychopath or gets annoyed easily and has a knife, adultery must be done with the utmost care (It would probably be advisable to dump them altogether and fly the country in fear of your life). Either way, be careful.
Thirdly, if you happen to be involved with me and reading this, stop, feel guilty, buy me stuff and make love to me as best you can for a whole week, or longer if at all possible in an effort to make the guilt more bearable -oh, and don't consider going with anyone else for the duration of the relationship-.
n.b: The above statement is a waste of time because any readers of this will not know my name or for that matter who I am. This statement itself is only stating the obvious and should therefore not be heeded to an extent, let alone a large one.
AND NOW WE GET ON TO THE MEATY STUFF...
Novice adultery:
· When choosing your mistress, make sure she won't tell your partner, not even by accident or through spite when you ditch her for some other tasty bit of totty.
· If you get out of your senses on drink/drugs or stay sober and wake up somewhere unknown or familiar with a strange partner or someone you know very well, this isn't adultery. Still, don't tell your partner.
· Adultery of the highest form involves getting involved with a neighbour or your partner's best friend. Only experienced adulterers and those that don't actually care if they are found out should attempt this. Beginner adulterers should only have affairs with people away from you partners social circle, if your other half doesn't know your work colleagues, then they are also a safe bet.
· Don't cheat with a woman who has a hard/psychotic partner or one who has hard/psychotic friends.
· Visit your bit on the side only, not vice-versa for this would be folly.
· Ask your mistress not to phone you. This will raise your partner's suspicions.
· Don't do anything out of the ordinary, visit your mistress when your loved one is away at work, with their own bit of tasty bit of arse (oh yes, if you are unhappy with a relationship, they are too), or even when walking the dog.
· Don't let your partner's acquaintances see you with your loose piece of pork, people will always talk.
· Dump them as soon as your partner gets suspicious (unless deep down inside you want the relationship to end. If this is the case, consider making your mistress your missus and your previous missus missed).
Experienced adultery:
· Experienced adulterers could try adulterating near where their partners live, or at least where friends of their partners live. And, when the wife does get suspiscious, carry on for as long as possible.
Bigamy:
· Bigamy should only be tried by adulterers who are experienced, good and untouchable by any law. People from countries/religeons where they are allowed more than one wife are excempt from this part of the course as it kind of defeats the object.
n.b: For the benefit of annoying sad overly pedantic personnel, I do realise that forming a relationship with another person whilst you and you partner aren't actually married isn't technically classed as adultery but I am classing it in the same category as it is still a b*****d of a thing to do.
Firstly, it should be noted that I have never even kissed another girl whilst involved. So I have no experience on the matter and the proceeding advice is most probably cobblers.
Secondly, if your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend is a psychopath or gets annoyed easily and has a knife, adultery must be done with the utmost care (It would probably be advisable to dump them altogether and fly the country in fear of your life). Either way, be careful.
Thirdly, if you happen to be involved with me and reading this, stop, feel guilty, buy me stuff and make love to me as best you can for a whole week, or longer if at all possible in an effort to make the guilt more bearable -oh, and don't consider going with anyone else for the duration of the relationship-.
n.b: The above statement is a waste of time because any readers of this will not know my name or for that matter who I am. This statement itself is only stating the obvious and should therefore not be heeded to an extent, let alone a large one.
AND NOW WE GET ON TO THE MEATY STUFF...
Novice adultery:
· When choosing your mistress, make sure she won't tell your partner, not even by accident or through spite when you ditch her for some other tasty bit of totty.
· If you get out of your senses on drink/drugs or stay sober and wake up somewhere unknown or familiar with a strange partner or someone you know very well, this isn't adultery. Still, don't tell your partner.
· Adultery of the highest form involves getting involved with a neighbour or your partner's best friend. Only experienced adulterers and those that don't actually care if they are found out should attempt this. Beginner adulterers should only have affairs with people away from you partners social circle, if your other half doesn't know your work colleagues, then they are also a safe bet.
· Don't cheat with a woman who has a hard/psychotic partner or one who has hard/psychotic friends.
· Visit your bit on the side only, not vice-versa for this would be folly.
· Ask your mistress not to phone you. This will raise your partner's suspicions.
· Don't do anything out of the ordinary, visit your mistress when your loved one is away at work, with their own bit of tasty bit of arse (oh yes, if you are unhappy with a relationship, they are too), or even when walking the dog.
· Don't let your partner's acquaintances see you with your loose piece of pork, people will always talk.
· Dump them as soon as your partner gets suspicious (unless deep down inside you want the relationship to end. If this is the case, consider making your mistress your missus and your previous missus missed).
Experienced adultery:
· Experienced adulterers could try adulterating near where their partners live, or at least where friends of their partners live. And, when the wife does get suspiscious, carry on for as long as possible.
Bigamy:
· Bigamy should only be tried by adulterers who are experienced, good and untouchable by any law. People from countries/religeons where they are allowed more than one wife are excempt from this part of the course as it kind of defeats the object.
n.b: For the benefit of annoying sad overly pedantic personnel, I do realise that forming a relationship with another person whilst you and you partner aren't actually married isn't technically classed as adultery but I am classing it in the same category as it is still a b*****d of a thing to do.
