h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmmmm Let me see....

Tap, Sink, Electricity, Window, Blimey you dont usually get views of that sorta thing!

Yes Here will do....

First lets get rid of all these broken chairs.

*spends some time removing various broken furniture*

Right lets get this place cleaned up....

* Much sweeping & hosing down & mopping occurs*

*Pops head round door*
This is quite possibly the first time this has ever been cleaned. Could you be careful with those chairs though. I believe the previous management but one was collecting them for a charity event involving Boy Scouts and enraged Mink.
*Disappears again*

* Quietly puts chairs in next room *

Never did trust Brussel sprouts.....

* Starts drilling holes halfway up the wall to fix a shelf. *

Mmmm yes the brown rawl plugs I think, its gonna be heavy....
Right, lets get that shelf up....
Yes! * Puts large industrial Tea Urn on Shelf*

Now whats next. Ah yes the Mash tun!
*rolls chunky steel tub with a tap in the base onto a couple of bricks under the tea urn. fits holey false bottom into tub*

Have you started making anythig yet? Or is that smell coming from somewhere else?

I couldn't smell anything 'till you turned up

Give a lass a chance, it'll be a good few days before there's any beer, and I'm expecting the first couple of batches to be a bit dodgey to be honest.

First should be ready in about 8/9 days. Now do you have any empmty barrels in the cellar, can I go & have a rummage?

Feel free. Just watch and not disturb the whole down there.

Whole what

The HOLE. Why what did you think I said?

Well, you said WHOLE!

I shall go & have a look in the Cellar in the near future....... I only need a bit of space for a few barrels.

*Drags in second tea urn, fits another holey false bottom and places alongside the steel tub*

Right that'll do as a copper....

Now for Fermenting Vessels....

* Places a couple of plastic brewing tubs on bricks. Wraps a pair of blankets round each one & holds in place with string to insulate. Fills first tea urn with water & switches on.*

There, that should do it

Now what shall I brew first?

*A disembodied voice, possibly from that dead writer of ages ago, oh no wait, he talked backwards, scrap that, some other ly muttering then, anyhoo this voice right*What about something light to start with? I could really go a nice IPA

Righty ho, the backbone of the Empire. IPA was designed to be left hanging around a long time before getting drunk. Hmm will fit in well for the snug I think, hardly any is drunk there

Right! Let me see.......

Malt. - Pale, Crystal and a bit of Wheat that ought to do for starters....

How hot's that water?

Blimey! I shall have to have a look at that tea-urn, it took ages to heat up

*checks temperature of liquor*

Hmmm that's about right, off we go

* transfers a goodly amount of hot liquor to the 'mash tun' checks temperature again. Pours on the pale, crystal and wheat malts. *

Now where did I put that broom handle? Ah there it is!

* starts stirring the mash, as a lovely malty smell fills the air*

8)

Well, that's the mash stood for long enough.

* Jacks up the Mash tun using a 'Heath Robinson' affair of car jacks n stuff. Connects a pipe, leading to the second tea urn, and opens the tap. *

Wow that smells good, and the colour's about right.....

* Uses a small jug to grab a sample gingerly tastes the wort*

Wayhay! That'll do!

* Continues to run the wort off into the copper *

*The disemboied voice returns, so to speak* Is that ready yet?
Oh and Woooooooo

Patience my dear ghost!

These things take time, got a few more hours of brewing, then around three days fermentation, then secondary fermentation in the cask.............

Patience, yeh, yeh, how long will that take?

Secondary fermentation, in a decent cellar will take about two days