Survivor/Sucide, Singapore Style
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
If you are ever in Singapore, filled with a dull sense of depression, feel that the world is caving in on you, sunny Singapore style, yet too cowardly to take the final step, fear not, there are social recourses to aid you on your final journey.
For those who are not so inclined, the following serves as a survivor guide of what NOT to do!
1) Death by Cell-Phone, Cinema Style (1)
Go into a cinema, with your cell-phone alarm on "High". Have a friend call you. Greet him on the phone enthusiatically. Proceed to tell him that the show is dead boring, but that you had also seen it before, and give the plot of the entire movie, making sure that even the guy taking a leak in the cinema toilet can hear you. Have the same friend make arrangements to collect your remains at the end of the movie.
2) Death by Cell-Phone, Cinema Style (2)
Go into a cinema, this time carrying a torch-light. Wait for some muscle-bound hoodlum (called locally an "Ah Beng") to answer a call on his cell-phone. Stand up in your seat and shine the torchlight at your own face. Inform the hoodlum in a loud voice to shut the hell up. Make some remarks about his dubious parentage. At the end of the show, go out into the exit alley. Wait for hoodlum and friends to drag you out and pound you into meat patty.
3) Death by Staring, Hawker Centre Style
Go to a local food centre, locally called a hawker centre. These are like a conglomerate of hot-dog stands cast in conrete. Sells a lot of delicious food by the way. Order the following dishes;
a) Plate of noodles cooked greasy style, with cockles in it.
b) Raw Beef-steak.
c) Pork-chop, with extra onions.
Look around for some tough looking characters, and stare at them for a full 10 minutes or so. Wait for them to come over and ask you what the hell you staring at?
If the characters are health freaks without an ounce of body fat, throw the greasy noodles at them. For anyone else,( quite a few Asians find pork offensive. Not the Chinese of course.), throw the pork chop. This would be followed by a violent interlude in which you would be beaten to a greasy spot on the floor.
After the violent interlude, if you still feel that life is worth living after all, apply the above raw beef-steak to your wounds.
4) Death by Highway, Tortoise Style
Hire a car. Drive onto the highway, any one will do. Your best bet would be the busiest one, called the CTE (Central Expressway). Drive on the extreme right lane, (the fast lane.) Slow down to a speed of 30 kilometres per hour. Prepare for the ensuing road-rage.
5) Death by Durian Seller
A durian is an extremely pungent fruit. The exterior is about the size of a football, filled with small green wooden spikes. Its extremely hard and deadly. The interior is filled with yellow, creamy flesh covering seeds the size of a small child's fists. The smell ranges from a pungent bitter nut, to open sewers, depending on who you ask. Approach one of these gentlemen selling these fruits on the open street. You can consume the fruits on the spot.
Proceed to eat 2 to 3 durians, with heavy amounts of beer. the combination is lethal. If you still live, simply walk away without paying. Spend the next few months or so recovering from a head concussion with a durian, courtesy of the kindly gentleman vendor.
6) Slow Death by Killer Litter
Singapore is made up of several townships. There is a central city, then there are the surrounding neighbourhood towns called HDB towns. Go to one of these towns. Stand next to one of the high-rise residential flats which flood the landscape. With luck, a swiftly descending flower-pot would brain you.
7) Slow Death by Chinese Wedding Banquet Style
Singapore is also famous for its Wedding Banquets. Its quite likely that within a short time you will get invited to many wedding dinners. The invitation card will say the dinner starts at 7pm.
Go early with an empty stomach. Wait for 2 hours. The dinner will start promptly at 9pm. Gorge your empty stomach with copious amounts of the MSG (mono-sodium glutamate) food. If you still live, be prepared to spend the rest of the night with serious heart palpitations and heavy sweat.
Welcome to Sunny Singapore! Actually, if you can avoid the above life-threatening situations, its quite a nice place to visit. Notice there was no mention of being mugged in dark alleys. Have fun.
For those who are not so inclined, the following serves as a survivor guide of what NOT to do!
1) Death by Cell-Phone, Cinema Style (1)
Go into a cinema, with your cell-phone alarm on "High". Have a friend call you. Greet him on the phone enthusiatically. Proceed to tell him that the show is dead boring, but that you had also seen it before, and give the plot of the entire movie, making sure that even the guy taking a leak in the cinema toilet can hear you. Have the same friend make arrangements to collect your remains at the end of the movie.
2) Death by Cell-Phone, Cinema Style (2)
Go into a cinema, this time carrying a torch-light. Wait for some muscle-bound hoodlum (called locally an "Ah Beng") to answer a call on his cell-phone. Stand up in your seat and shine the torchlight at your own face. Inform the hoodlum in a loud voice to shut the hell up. Make some remarks about his dubious parentage. At the end of the show, go out into the exit alley. Wait for hoodlum and friends to drag you out and pound you into meat patty.
3) Death by Staring, Hawker Centre Style
Go to a local food centre, locally called a hawker centre. These are like a conglomerate of hot-dog stands cast in conrete. Sells a lot of delicious food by the way. Order the following dishes;
a) Plate of noodles cooked greasy style, with cockles in it.
b) Raw Beef-steak.
c) Pork-chop, with extra onions.
Look around for some tough looking characters, and stare at them for a full 10 minutes or so. Wait for them to come over and ask you what the hell you staring at?
If the characters are health freaks without an ounce of body fat, throw the greasy noodles at them. For anyone else,( quite a few Asians find pork offensive. Not the Chinese of course.), throw the pork chop. This would be followed by a violent interlude in which you would be beaten to a greasy spot on the floor.
After the violent interlude, if you still feel that life is worth living after all, apply the above raw beef-steak to your wounds.
4) Death by Highway, Tortoise Style
Hire a car. Drive onto the highway, any one will do. Your best bet would be the busiest one, called the CTE (Central Expressway). Drive on the extreme right lane, (the fast lane.) Slow down to a speed of 30 kilometres per hour. Prepare for the ensuing road-rage.
5) Death by Durian Seller
A durian is an extremely pungent fruit. The exterior is about the size of a football, filled with small green wooden spikes. Its extremely hard and deadly. The interior is filled with yellow, creamy flesh covering seeds the size of a small child's fists. The smell ranges from a pungent bitter nut, to open sewers, depending on who you ask. Approach one of these gentlemen selling these fruits on the open street. You can consume the fruits on the spot.
Proceed to eat 2 to 3 durians, with heavy amounts of beer. the combination is lethal. If you still live, simply walk away without paying. Spend the next few months or so recovering from a head concussion with a durian, courtesy of the kindly gentleman vendor.
6) Slow Death by Killer Litter
Singapore is made up of several townships. There is a central city, then there are the surrounding neighbourhood towns called HDB towns. Go to one of these towns. Stand next to one of the high-rise residential flats which flood the landscape. With luck, a swiftly descending flower-pot would brain you.
7) Slow Death by Chinese Wedding Banquet Style
Singapore is also famous for its Wedding Banquets. Its quite likely that within a short time you will get invited to many wedding dinners. The invitation card will say the dinner starts at 7pm.
Go early with an empty stomach. Wait for 2 hours. The dinner will start promptly at 9pm. Gorge your empty stomach with copious amounts of the MSG (mono-sodium glutamate) food. If you still live, be prepared to spend the rest of the night with serious heart palpitations and heavy sweat.
Welcome to Sunny Singapore! Actually, if you can avoid the above life-threatening situations, its quite a nice place to visit. Notice there was no mention of being mugged in dark alleys. Have fun.
