h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*DD rushes in and adjusts his dog collar*

Someone required my services, or at least a service.

* PE looks around. What a day, what a night!!! So much excitement!!! Moving to the Guesthouse had really been the best thing to do.

* Waking up to find the Vicar there, ready for the ceremony was a bit embarrassing, though. Strange things were always happening to poor PE.

* She looked around the room. There was her husband -- future husband -- ex-brother-in-law, dozing in a chair by the window. He seemed to have survived the past days' excitement too.

Ah! Senhor Vigário!!! Obrigada por ter vindo! Thank you for coming. I will prepare in a few minutes. This wedding really must not wait.

Kes! Kes!!!! Wake up, please, we will get married now!

Hmm? What? Yes - I know we are - got the piece of paper from Brazil to prove it - even though we didn' ....

*Looks round*

Huh? What's the vicar doing here ... Ah! You meant it, then?

Thank you for coming, Reverend, er , I think ...

Of course - we can't proceed without a witness, can we?

Ah! Kes! You really do think of everything! What a good idea!!! I shall call that wonderful French Maid on the phone. She can be one of our witnesses! So good of you to remember...! Then we will only be needing one more witness.

As this is a hotel, there will be many people who will be able to help us!!! People do so like weddings!

Yes, I will call her, then I will put on my lovely wedding dress! Too bad about the 500 guests, we can have a small party for them later...

* PE grabs the phone and calls the French Maid.
* She finds her new dress, already hanging at the other side of the bathroom door...

*knock knock
You called for the maid?

*Kes considers making for the door, but the vicar wants to talk*

V: "You're a fortunate young man, if i may say so"

Er, yes ...

V: "You have the rings?"

No - no rings - we'll have to call it off - terribly sorry ..

V: "No, no - all part of the service - I always have a pair handy ... That will be two hundred pounds, please - the chruch roof, you know .."

Mmm. Thank you so much.

V: "The banns have been published?"

No - not done - we'll have to call it all off .."

V: "No, no, I happen to have an extraordinary licence here ... just fifty pounds ... the roof, you understand ...

Glumph!

V: "Ah - I think she's almost ready. Just stand over here ..."

*The Rev. has a vicelike grip .. not surprising considering some of his vices ...*

Oh! You really are an angel! I was about to put this lovely lace dress on... Willing to act as witness to our wedding? Will you?
Please?

An excited GB helps PE into her wedding gown and arranges her veil.
Oh, Peaceful! You look beautiful!
Kes will be so proud!

*The bedroom door opens - out come the bride and her bridesmaid\witness\french maid. Kes starts trying to figure out how PE packed the dress into one small suitcase, then realises that things have run away from him, but he hasn't run away from things. The vicar lines them up, and speaks ...

V: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today ...."

*He drones on. Time is usppsuspended. Outside the Guesthouse, the dawn sun warms the grass. The vicar's voice , and those of the party, can be heard ... very faintly. While inside ...*

Er, yes, I suppose I do.

V: "And you, Peaceful ....."

* Gazing thankfully at her kind witness, tears flowing from her eyes, smiling...

Yes!

V: "Now, if any person here present knows of any reason why these two may not ..."


*Outside, a figure in a baggy pullover and false beard approaches the Guesthouse. It is the brother! (shock, horror). He peers through the windows, and stands back, astonished. Then he recovers, and rushes through the door*

*Words can be heard from within .... and the brother comes out smiling, carrying a shiny CD. He weaves back, then rushes off.*

*Still outside the Guesthouse, dear reader, you will be wondering what happened in there.*

*Did the brother spill the beans about who married PE in Brazil, thus stopping the ceremony?*

*Or was he given the CD to bribe him into silence?*

*Did they?*

*Five people know:
*The brother knows, but he's headed for his car, and away ....
*The vicar knows, but he is sworn to silence.
*GB knows ... will she tell?
*Kes? PE?

*You could always try asking them, I suppose.

* PE is still so happy about the ceremony!!!! She hardly cares about the CD, about the blackmailing ex-husband, about her family being somehow... a bit ruined and bankrupt after all!!!

Thank you, Senhor Vigário... what a lovely ceremony!!!

Thank you so much GB!!! I hope soon to be at your wedding, you deserve to be happy!!!

I know, let's go to the Bar and have a nice PGGB - agreed, everyone???

Let's have a little party!!!

Only remember not to mention my evil brother-in-law and that CD, or there will be trouble in our business dealings... we will party, that is so much better!

No!!! I know PGGB is the approved local drink, but let's have a bit of champagne today!!! Worth drinking some champagne after a wedding!

Let's go then!

* They all leave for the Bar...

*GB & the rest of the Bridal party head for the Bar!
*giggles*
Ooh, I love this place!
A birthday party yesterday, a wedding party today!
More cake!

*The curtains are closed. The door is locked and bolted. The place is almost dark ... just a small light in one room*

*Do not disturb - thank you. About 63 hours should do it.*

*sea enters the deserted guesthouse cautiously*

*she looks around, then tidies up a bit for the next occupant and leaves*

The french maid enters the room, puts clean sheets on the bed, places cold beers in the mini-fridge, replenishes the mini-bar, deposits clean towels in the bathroom, looks under the bed then leaves.
*clatter of high heels*

::slips the key into the lock and turns the knob::
Well... I guess I'm in here now....
::picks up the vibes of the previous wedding::
Hmmm... Interesting...
::Luggage follows him in. With stronger senses picks up all of what happened in the room previously, and blushes considerably::
Hahahaha I see. Well the sheets are clean, I hope. ::Goes to pat his Luggage, but retracts the extended hand after catching the Luggage's expression::
Oh sorry.

*sea knocks on door, then opens it*
oh, i see your luggage got here allright...
*sea trails off, and blushes noticeably as she notices how attractive joe is*