Seattle: a History of Dampness
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Seattle is a sizable settlement that was first incorporated in 1865. First stumbled onto by the famous British Captain George Vancouver (*who decided to "pass this dammp one by"(sic)*) in 1791, Seattle was originally populated by the peaceful Duwamish and Suquamish tribes.
The indigenous peoples of the Duwamish valley lived happily and virtually unmolested until the arrival of the French Catholic Missionaries in the early 1830's, *when considerable conflict arose, stemming from the native peoples use of every one of the missionaries maps (without exception) to wrap fresh trout*. For attempting to peacefully abide with and assist the foreign settlers (who were now arriving in droves), the indigenous peoples were forcibly relocated to a remote settlement, while their pastural homelands were named after their leader "Chief" See-at-la.
The first European settlers found the Duwammish valley to be densely forested with a lush spectrum of foliage, and populated by a grand variety of wildlife. Undaunted by these harsh conditions, the first settlers immediately set themselves to the task of clearing the land, making way for the erection of parking lots, which would eventually serve the legions of convenience stores that now cover Seattle like the dots in a Braille book.
*Today, although world renowned for its humid, moist, sodden, marshy, fluid, watery uhh.. precipitation, Seattle also has a hot season (usually lasting for one day in the month of October) that balances the otherwise damp, drippy, dunked, drizzily, dewy, clammy, boggy, oh you know, uhh.. wetness.
For travelers unaccustomed to such extremes in weather, we recommend stocking a suitcase with a pair of swimming trunks, and at least 9 rain panchos, 7 pairs of galoshes, a towel (you should never be without one of those) and a waterproof scout whistle. If this seems too daunting a task (and don't even bother looking for rain gear in Seattle!) the prepared traveller might simply bring along a small cruise ship, or luxury liner.*
Seattle is also known for its vibrant musical scene. Jimi Hendrix was born in Seattle *-little known is the origin of his trademark distortion and warbly sound: when playing at a rare outdoor date, his band was forced to turn the amplifiers to their highest settings, so as to overcome the sound dampening effects of the rain. About halfway through the set, the bass player's equipment was drenched, and began to give him a throbbing charge. The irregular screams of the bass player combined with the crackling distortion of the immersed speakers, and gave birth to a whole new sound in rock music.*
In the late 20th Century, Seattle saw its second massive population boom, but this time instead of surly, grubby, landgrabbing, European immigrants, the newcomers were primarily surly, grubby, landgrabbing, Californians. Faced with an unusual dilemma of a second landrush on an already full territory, it was decided that the business community of Seattle would make a 3 pronged assault on these south-western invaders: By releasing buggy software, copious quantities of super charged coffee, and ever larger and faster jetliners, it was hoped that the Californians would become disenchanted with their high tech jobs, take frequent coffee breaks while waiting for their machines to reboot, and finally get so impatient with the entire affair that they'd seek the fastest way out. As it is has only been 20 years (some of the machines have taken that long just to reboot) the success of this desperate assault is yet undecided. If you are a Californian who might like to move here, the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce has established a free job placement program, with the unusual perks of free coffee (with unlimited refills), and free VIP tours of the SeaTac Airport.
If you are looking for a good place to catch cold, and don't mind a bit of the 'ol southern Californian culture, Seattle might be just the place to spend your vacation dollars.
Data researched and Compiled By Kevin Bean. Any likeness to software living or crashed is unintentional. -This document was written on papyrus reed using Alder charcoal sticks.
*Note: phrases, sentences, and other like passages that bear an asterisk might be just a bit exagerrated, although the author has done his best to research the history of Seattle accurately, and while wearing fresh undergarments.*
The indigenous peoples of the Duwamish valley lived happily and virtually unmolested until the arrival of the French Catholic Missionaries in the early 1830's, *when considerable conflict arose, stemming from the native peoples use of every one of the missionaries maps (without exception) to wrap fresh trout*. For attempting to peacefully abide with and assist the foreign settlers (who were now arriving in droves), the indigenous peoples were forcibly relocated to a remote settlement, while their pastural homelands were named after their leader "Chief" See-at-la.
The first European settlers found the Duwammish valley to be densely forested with a lush spectrum of foliage, and populated by a grand variety of wildlife. Undaunted by these harsh conditions, the first settlers immediately set themselves to the task of clearing the land, making way for the erection of parking lots, which would eventually serve the legions of convenience stores that now cover Seattle like the dots in a Braille book.
*Today, although world renowned for its humid, moist, sodden, marshy, fluid, watery uhh.. precipitation, Seattle also has a hot season (usually lasting for one day in the month of October) that balances the otherwise damp, drippy, dunked, drizzily, dewy, clammy, boggy, oh you know, uhh.. wetness.
For travelers unaccustomed to such extremes in weather, we recommend stocking a suitcase with a pair of swimming trunks, and at least 9 rain panchos, 7 pairs of galoshes, a towel (you should never be without one of those) and a waterproof scout whistle. If this seems too daunting a task (and don't even bother looking for rain gear in Seattle!) the prepared traveller might simply bring along a small cruise ship, or luxury liner.*
Seattle is also known for its vibrant musical scene. Jimi Hendrix was born in Seattle *-little known is the origin of his trademark distortion and warbly sound: when playing at a rare outdoor date, his band was forced to turn the amplifiers to their highest settings, so as to overcome the sound dampening effects of the rain. About halfway through the set, the bass player's equipment was drenched, and began to give him a throbbing charge. The irregular screams of the bass player combined with the crackling distortion of the immersed speakers, and gave birth to a whole new sound in rock music.*
In the late 20th Century, Seattle saw its second massive population boom, but this time instead of surly, grubby, landgrabbing, European immigrants, the newcomers were primarily surly, grubby, landgrabbing, Californians. Faced with an unusual dilemma of a second landrush on an already full territory, it was decided that the business community of Seattle would make a 3 pronged assault on these south-western invaders: By releasing buggy software, copious quantities of super charged coffee, and ever larger and faster jetliners, it was hoped that the Californians would become disenchanted with their high tech jobs, take frequent coffee breaks while waiting for their machines to reboot, and finally get so impatient with the entire affair that they'd seek the fastest way out. As it is has only been 20 years (some of the machines have taken that long just to reboot) the success of this desperate assault is yet undecided. If you are a Californian who might like to move here, the Greater Seattle Chamber of Commerce has established a free job placement program, with the unusual perks of free coffee (with unlimited refills), and free VIP tours of the SeaTac Airport.
If you are looking for a good place to catch cold, and don't mind a bit of the 'ol southern Californian culture, Seattle might be just the place to spend your vacation dollars.
Data researched and Compiled By Kevin Bean. Any likeness to software living or crashed is unintentional. -This document was written on papyrus reed using Alder charcoal sticks.
*Note: phrases, sentences, and other like passages that bear an asterisk might be just a bit exagerrated, although the author has done his best to research the history of Seattle accurately, and while wearing fresh undergarments.*
