h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So clever

Local Shops for Local Folk
not stangers from afar
Peddaling queer, exotic fruits
Kept in vats of tar

With pickled fnibs and bootle bugs
So tasty when they're fried
And boxes tied with winkle string
With who knows what inside

Arose just then from Grimley Fen
A maiden fierce and fair,
Her eye was keen, her skin was green
And lilac was her hair.

"Tis my desire to gild the spire
Of yonder Grimley kirk,
Who'll be so bold to seek the gold
And undertake the work?
Who'd be so bold, my heart shall hold
Be they hero, knave or Turk."

Snarkle fruits in ganjong juice,
Parloony Scabbards thighs;
a deathly lot of tantric clopes
that bring water to your eyes.

"I'll gild the spire!" the dandy cried,
"But where to seek the gold?"
"That you must find," the maid replied,
"Before you get too old!"

Descended on the maiden who
So shocked by their descent
Immediately cashed a cheque
And paid a fortnights rent

The room was tall, about 4 foot short
so wide she could touch the sides
and furnished in an empty way
with salted fishes hides.

In there she'd wait while Dandy went
To find her stash of gold
She wrote to him on bits of cloth
In blood, or so I'm told

And watch out for the simulpost
Who's known to stalk these parts
And make a nonsense of a farce
And terrorise bold hearts

The Simulpost. The Simulpost.
A fearsome, swarthy brute.
With warts and growths of garlic heads
concealed in a floral print suit.

I think you speak of someone else
(you can see where this one's going)
That's not the simulpost you see
That's Lawrence Lewellyn Bowen

Yon Dandy started out the road
Upon his pony propped,
( While taking care his verse to pare,
All extra words he dropped!)

He hadna gone a hundred yards
When frothing from the east
With swivvely eyes, tis no surprise,
Came Grimley's dreadful beast.

Yon Dandy cried a snargly cry
And from his wicker seat
Drew out a fearsome gleaming glaive
That glowed with gloomy heat.

The Grimly monster grinned and growled
"I'll scrunch you, " said the beast.
"I'll not be killed, upon thy grilled
Three eyeballs will I feast."

He slew it once , he slew it twice,
He slew it three times more,
And looked to see if there was tea,
( The time was close on four.)
The monster thought, "I'll have a nap
And then began to snore."

"How dare this creature snore at me,
And it now five times dead.
I'll have no truck with such ill-luck,
I'd best cut off its head."

Editorial Note: Please note title change to facilitate stanzarrhoea.

The dandy did wave his awesome glaive
Five times around his head
And with one stroke the handsome bloke
Struck off the monster's head.

The head rolled off along the lane
Guffawing as it went
At Dandy leaning 'gainst a post
His energy now spent

For as it came to rest at last
Its' wound was almost healed
And from what had been nought but blood
A new growth was revealed

The body lain across the way
Had grown a brand new head
And Dandy now faced two of what
He thought already dead

Now at this point you may begin
To think our Dandy beat
But Dandy didn't think so and
He sprang back to his feet

He had one final weapon left
For though you wouldn't know it
Beneath the outer layer was
A flippin' Vogon poet

He quoted from the Fnurbled Blog
He read from Nooblers Wick
He'd quote the Snockerty Friddle and
That finally did the trick

The beast was beat it couldn't fight
Another battle bloody
The opposition was too much
The poetry too cruddy

"We* thought at least," bemoaned the Beast
"We'd get a bit of sleep,
But lethal Vogon poetry's
A blade that cuts too deep.

"Be on your way, young Dandy,lad
And take yer poems too.
If gold ye seek, yer up the creek
In a leaky old canoe.

"On Grimley fell, ye'll ne'er do well
No gold ye'll ever find,
But cross the sea to the Florgel Flea
And pray for a wind that's kind."

(* NB The Beast is not using the "royal" we, but having now two heads, it's feeling a mite schizoid, or a schizoid mite.-Ed.)

"The Florgel Flea? You're telling me!"
The other half exclaimed
And even though the poetry
Had left him badly maimed

He wished young Dandy all the best
And sent him on his way
With half a pound of jelly beans
And bags of curds and whey

With which to tempt the Fiddling Fish
Who otherwise might not
Be willing to assist the lads'
Pursuance of the plot

The plot grew thin as ideas got
quite thin upon the ground
Until, in a flash of recognition
they spied the oft mentioned hound.

It flew the ditch, it flew the pond
and landed: Oh the power!
Having the desired effect
that gravy has with flour.

The plot it thickened visibly
and all were sore amazed
their mouths did gape like startled carp
their eyes became all glazed.

A snorking sound did emanate
from twixt the hounds closed eyes
and strawberry flavoured muffins
started growing on its thighs.

The Fiddling Fish did leap and bound
Within the pearly sea
and it did chance to see
The Florgal Flea and old Dandy