h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

That this was a dilemma was
As plain to see as thorns
Upon a rose bush. They were stuck
Between dilemmic horns.

The Flea was incoherent, he
Was immune to their charms,
And that's a problem heroes face
When songs give way to arms,
And common courtesy's replaced
By wars and wild alarms.

So here you see three heroes, who
Are plainly somewhat stumped,
Unless into the Flea somehow
Some life could now be pumped.

The daylight dimmed, the full moon skimmed
Like milk across the sky,
The Flea stirred, weakly, wearily
And raised a bleary eye.

He thought he might a bargain make
He didn't want to die,
In this he was pragmatic so
He called the heroes by.

The Flergal Flea said "Not so fast!
Of last words don't deprive me
I haven't nearly breathed my last
And one thing can revive me:

Of purple sprouting broccoli
I need a loaded plateful"
This he demanded cockily
But added he'd be grateful

Now where would such a thing be found
Within this doleful ballad?
The heroes three all looked around
With aspects soulful pallid
And spied upon the desert ground
The healthy bowlful salad

The Flea called out, he gave a shout
He called the lads again,
"Oh sod the broccoli, come here,
And I will tell you plain.

By Wickerskink, you make me think
Of days when I was younger
And saucy floozey fleas would slake
For gold my sleazy hunger.

Come hither, wretched scrawny wights
Who pass these days for heroes,
Come here you skites, in sequinned tights
Your minds are full of zeroes.

I read your thoughts. I see the noughts
You think you'll make your millions,
You're feeling bold to feck my gold
And pack it in your pillions.

That's where you're wrong, so change your song
Unless we make a deal.
I'll give you gold, all you can hold
But first my wounds must heal,

The blarblies from your archibolt
Cause pains that are surreal.
By Blastigon, were you a flea,
You'd squeal at what I feel.

Some herbs I'll need, so go with speed
Across the Phallus Sea,
Pass round about the Water Spout
And find the Trembling Tree,
And catch a brace of slimmereels
And boil them to a tea.

I'll need some bright green whiskers
From a virginal Meercow,
And when you've got them you must bring
Them back to me somehow.

But that's not all, you'll have to call
On Shub, and Ellsi Dee,
They live beyond the Hummock Heaps
In distant Blaggerty."

"So still there's hope, just give 'em rope
They'll find a way to hang,"
The Flergel sniggered to himself
But felt a tiny pang.

He might just have to part with gold
To send these heroes packing,
Some coins atop a load of slop
Filled in some bags of sacking.

He growled and groaned some more, and moaned
And thought," Is that enough or
Should I play it up a bit?
They need to know I suffer."

But Dandy meanwhile shuddered, paled,
Aside to the Antwerp bird
Said,"Tis no dream, now what's his scheme?
Did you hear what I heard?
Unpleasantly familiar, eh
Was nearly every word!

Remember what the Witch-waif said
When she was in her trance,
And all the awesome warnings as
She danced her vole-thong dance.
If we do what this Flea suggests
We'll lose our shirts...and pants."

"I choose to use my pendulum!"
Intoned the Gangly Blay,
"And if there is a way to go
I'll ask it to display.
We need a simple yes or no,
It's sure to show the way."

He sat in lotus on the ground
And up his eyeballs rolled,
While from some inner crevice he
His pendulum unscrolled,
He lit a spliff, and puffed a whiff
(He never broke the mould.)

But Eagle meanwhile, secretly
To Dandy whispered, "Mate,
Let's quickly leave, as I believe
Bard Blay's in no fit state
To follow us. We're flying out
And he'd be too much weight."

"That's hardly fair," said Dandy then
"The archibolt he brought...
Without which we'd be dead by now
When Fergel Flea we fought."

But Blay said, "Lads, don't wait for me,
You have to travel west,
I'll stay and keep an eye on Flea
I think that would be best,
I'm feeling just a little spaced
I need a bit of rest."

So once again in Eagle's grip
Our Dandy took to air,
Though feeling less than happy with
This hanging by his hair.

The Flergel Flea looked up and watched,
The heroes he had tricked,
He crawled towards a Veedee Yew,
And though his conscience pricked
He knew if he could eat a leaf
His wounds would soon be licked.

He looked at Blay, ( who thought he'd play
His Lyre, and make a cuppa )
He looked at Blay, and sad to say
He simply saw his supper.

The night was fair, and through the air
The Moon serenely shone
Like Meercow milk through silver silk,
Our heroes both upon.

But then a blast of sound so vast
It shattered this sultry scene,
And a glaring light broke through the night
With a sharply focussed beam.

There spoke a voice, "My name is Joice!
What DO you think your doing?
Hanging about the sky like that,
Your heads must need re-gluing.

You nearly caused an accident,
You're lucky I didn't hit you.
(I'd put you in a jacket straight
If I had one to fit you.)"

Upon the sound our lads turned round
To gaze upon the sight,
So strange it seemed so freakish that
They both froze in her light.

A roundish vessel hung mid-air,
Partially clad with timber,
A pale pea-green, and inside seen
A lady, far from limber.

With eyes like beads, and dressed in tweeds
She looked distictly cross.
Her lips were pursed, she roundly cursed
And gave her head a toss.

"What are you doing, where are you from?
Speak up, you wretched tramps."
The Eagle and young Dandy blinked
In the light of her bright head-lamps.

"My name is Alidander Frume
And this is the Antwerp Eagle,
We're on our way from Grimley Moer..."
"Sit down, boy!" ( to her beagle.)

"What's that you say, from Grimley Moer?
Oh no, I don't believe it!
What brings you here? A quest, it's clear
But how will you achieve it?

My uncle lived in Grimley Toom
The parson of the kirk.
He trained the choir, rebuilt the spire.
It took a lot of work."

"But that is why we're on this quest
We seek the Flergel's gold,"
And then and there, at her behest,
Their tale so far they told.

"Look can I give you chaps a lift?
I'm going to Shipling Greep.
So you're a Frume from Grimley Toom,
Hop in, you need some sleep.
You must be tired, that bird you've hired
Needs treatment for his threep."

"This is the Antwerp Eagle, ma'am
And please, just call me Dandy.
He'll vanish now inside my nose.
For transport he's so handy."

"Remarkable, my dears," she said
"Get in, we must be going.
I find these referential gears
Can be so bloody slowing."

"Get down boy, really! He's quite safe.
That's Buggirduck, my beagle.
He's frisky when there's strangers near."
He'd tried to mount the Eagle.

Off with a jolt, like an archibolt
They shot through the midnight air.
Our heroes sleep till Shipling Greep
And awoke on arriving there.

Joice parked her heap. Refreshed by sleep
The lads looked out to sea,
Where sailing ships from exotic trips,
Were moored beside the quay.

"Porter, porter, anywhere?
(I need to see my shrink!)
Porter, porter, are you there?
(They've gone to have a drink.)

Egad Chaiwallahs on a roll
I cannot now disturb him
I could but write a line at most
Without a simulposting

And contradictions would abound
To complicate the thread
I could be feeding custard to
Someone already dead

So while our heroes travel on
Let's briefly leave them there
And take a peek, (for it's been a week)
At the one with lilac hair

And skin of green, she last was seen
In lodgings small and fishy
There she waits for Dandy who
She thought was rather dishy

For after all he risks his life
To gild her spire with gold
She also fancies being rich
Herself if truth be told

She's written to our hero now
Upon a daily basis
Informing him of local news
And problems that she faces

But how she gets the letters through
I hesitate to guess
Perhaps the robin flies them in
For her under duress

The Grimley Village Church
And Lavatorial committee
Have come to the conclusion that
Although its such a pity

There wont be funds available
To fix the twisted spire
Lest village loos be closed but
Consequences then be dire

So hurry Dandy find the gold
The coffers must be filled
While summer shines on Grimley
And there's still a spire to gild

The robin flew from neath her dress
and said, a bit embarrased
"Apologies dear maiden fair
but i was feeling harrass'd.

"The sheer amount of posting that
had happened o'er the weekend
had my brain to pulp reduced
and my powers weakened.

"as a result of lethargy
I misread Snockers posting
and understood it was your dress
was offering me hosting.

"I hope I didn't jeopardise
your chances with the Dandy
who I have heard it oft been said
is dashing and quite handy.

"The tricks he played with his sharpened glaive
were simply awe inspiring
if I were you I'd grit your teeth
his engines are all firing"

The robin flew from neath her dress
and said, a bit embarrased
"Apologies dear maiden fair
but i was feeling harrass'd.

"The sheer amount of posting that
had happened o'er the weekend
had my brain to pulp reduced
and my powers weakened.

"as a result of lethargy
I misread Snockers posting
and understood it was your dress
was offering me hosting.

"I hope I didn't jeopardise
your chances with the Dandy
who I have heard it oft been said
is dashing and quite handy.

"The tricks he played with his sharpened glaive
were simply awe inspiring
if I were you I'd grit your teeth
his engines are all firing"

He's travelled far and wide you see
He's battled brave and bold
To help fulfil your spiral wish
To cover it with gold

Be wary though for someone else
Has told him job is done
And you may find him tempted now
To take the gold and run

"Go quickly now my robin friend
And fetch for me a carriage
I must seek out my dandy sprout
And so secure our marriage"

The robin flew and afore she knew
A carriage he'd procured
She paid the rent and off she went
The spire shall be secured

The carriage thundered onwards through
Suns early evening glow
The maiden hadn't realised
She knew not where to go

But whether she was on a brave
Crusade or masquerade
The driver cared not either way
So long as he was paid

They raced along the Grimley Road
Like horse drawn bats from hell
The keen-eyed, green skinned maiden
And her driver, named Miguel

But then all of a sudden,
and much to their surprise
they found themselves near Culloden,
but why they couldn't surmise.

They stopped the carriage near a stream,
Stepped down and surveyed the heather,
and by God it was a wonderful scene,
with bright radiant weather.

Miguel kept schtum throughout the trip
arméd with two pistols
drooling everytime he caught
an eyeful of her bristols.

The swarthy cad had all the skill
and manners and decorum
of a bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
(this is a family forum)

The maiden fair, her flowing locks
ignored his wanton learings
well aware, as he was not,
of her patent killer earings.

But as they stood beside the stream
Good fortune did them bless
For nearby stood a sign that read
"This way to Inverness"

And Inverness was closer to
The eagle and the dandy
Than where they stood amongst Culloden heather
Which was handy

Editorial Note: Stunning stuff, Snockerty, Ekki, Wulfric. Now we have a fully-fledged sub-plot, reverse romance with the green-skinned, lilac-haired maiden in pursuit of her dream lover, wherever he is by now. What is her name? Isn't it time we knew? Now, as they say in forn parts, we're really sucking deisel, and with the sub-plots careering off in all directions, there's much less danger of simul-post confusion in the story. Wunderbar.

Meanwhile:

A Note to our Dear Readers ( If we have any.)

Dear Reader, we must beg you now
Don't judge us by our shoes,
You well may think we've lost the plot -
There is no plot to lose.

But yet we've themes of dreams and schemes,
Romance, and lust for gold.,
And aren't we blest, we have a quest
The finest from the fold.

We've schemes of stealth and dreams of wealth
So vast - incomprehensible -
A good excuse some ploys to use
Most folks would not find sensible.

So, up-gear shift, your mind alift
And follow fancy-free,
As we set out again adrift
To sail the Phantur Sea.

The maiden, slightly puzzled now
She'd fiddle and she'd fidget
Said "I shall find my Dandy yet
Or else my names not Bridget"

A tear appeared in space and time,
her words did scuttle through
and rent the Dandy's heart in twain
and his language turned quite blue.

It had been said, when he didst hatch,
that should he choose to wed
his wife should not be called Bridget
but could be called Bridgéd.

An oracle had seized his Ma
and spluttered in her ear
"Should this boy be ever wed
of Bridgets he must stay clear"

By chance in Inverness there lived
A crumpled little chap
Who was the very man, it's said
Who made the magic map

What force had brought them to this place
The maiden wasn't sure
She didn't even know a map
Was there, hers to procure

But there she was outside a hut
In darkest Inverness
Her green skin and her lilac hair
And purple velvet dress

A crumpled man came from the hut
Gave her a map and said
There seems to have been some mistake
This ones meant for Bridgéd