Archaeo-illogical
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Every small town has its museum full of shards of bone, half completed pottery and curiously shaped flints that turn enthusiasts into gibbering bearded bores and the rest of us into fascinated but bewildered amateurs. How can it be that the sight of a television pundit, hopping up and down in excitement over small grazes on a piece of deer rib infects us with equal intense feelings of pleasure? Why does a series of small pits, discernible only because the earth is darker than its surroundings, cause us to invent rich fantasies of religious cults, sacrifices and local empires? The latter may only have been dug to throw rubbish in; whether for the remains of an all too rare meal, or grandmother when her usefulness was over.
This enthusiasm for understanding the remote past through found objects reached a new level of frenzy with the discovery in 1991 of a 5000 year old preserved body high in the Otztaler Alps, later known as the Ice Man, complete with the implements and clothing of his life. Every twisted rope, cloth weave, arrow, blade and stomach contents were examined for clues to his life. From these meagre clues a whole civilisation was grown, his social standing considered and debated; even whether or not he had a good wife and how could she have let him out into the cold night air without his vest on.
It causes us to wonder what would happen if, after a cataclysmic event that wipes almost all traces of our end of Millennium civilisation off the face of the planet, an alien group of archaeologists descends upon the earth. Perhaps they have heard the faint echoes of our radio broadcasts into space and wonder why these unintelligible but not unintelligent messages suddenly stopped after a brief burst of incessant chatter? What if the only artefact they discover, miraculously preserved in sedimentary rock now high in the new mountains that have risen from the ember of a destroyed planet, the squashed remains of a supermarket? Would they report on their finds like this?
Interim Report of the Minor Galaxy Archaeological Group - The Third Planet
Life indeed is rare in the Minor Galaxy and so it came as no surprise to us to find that the evidence of life on this planet is meagre indeed. A few lichens, a barely evolved grassland and a low level organic soup in the sea was poor reward for such a long journey. However, as explained in our initial report, we were excited to discover (after an unfortunate landing blunder which shaved off the top of a mountain) evidence of an intelligent, tool making civilisation.
Not a great deal remains of course, but what we can describe to you is a structure which is square in floor plan and about 75 metres on one side, according to our surveying instruments. The upheavals in this area have left very little remaining of anything that might have been associated with this structure. It is amazing that anything at all has survived on this small plateau on top of a high mountain. However, our excavations within the structure have revealed the following main items.
Metal disks. These were scattered throughout the structure and can be easily identified as oxidised geometric shapes, such as circles and rectangles, in the rock layers. Split open a rock and you will find these symbols of intelligent artifice; for what else could have created these beautiful objects in purified steel, zinc and aluminium? We have been able to slice through some of these disks and examine the layers closely in the microscope and there is evidence that there may have been organic material pressed into the metal. Who can know what these metal disks were for but I like to think that they were once a storage medium for flora and fauna: for what else would one do with the complexity of life that must have once existed on this planet but celebrate, venerate and preserve it! My colleagues are less prone to fancy and believe that they were metal urns for the disposal of the remains of the loved ones of these ancient artificers and that we have stumbled upon a great religious building, a sarcophagus as it were, dedicated to the dead.
Sheets of long organic molecules. These were a most curious find. A split rock would occasionally reveal what could best be described as a very thin sheet of material made from incredibly robust, long organic molecules. These and similar sheets of material were sometimes transparent and very often clearly coloured; though the passage of time has made the evidence of this very tenuous. Nevertheless, the fact that these objects were so carefully made to last for millennia suggest that they were incredibly important to the makers. Why else would one wish to make objects that would survive almost intact for many times the lifetime of the people who made them? Most exciting of all was one sheet where the colouring was sufficient for our enhanced computer analysers to make out symbols upon its surface. They appeared as follows:
TESCO
first choice for value
Who can tell what this meant to the makers of these objects? The fact that they inscribed a message on this material that would last for thousands of years suggests to me that this is of religious significance. However, I cannot yet believe my colleagues’ conclusion that this is further evidence of a cemetery. I am more inclined to believe that these symbols speak directly to us across time. If only we could read them, we may discover a true meaning of life and a certainty of common purpose that transcends culture, space and the number of tentacles we possess: all matters which lead to conflict in the Universe today.
Small skeletal remains. One curious collection of survivors were the fossilised remains of a row of creatures laid in two parallel lines. On examination of the well preserved bones we could tell that they had the bipedal structure of much of the intelligent life to be found in the Universe and indeed we were delighted to see much that was recognisable. It is a great relief to know that life throughout the Galaxy does not feel the need to re-invent the leg every time it walks on land! This re-inforced my colleagues belief in a cemetery given that the remains were so carefully laid out. However, I pointed out that these remains contained a mystery. Why would it be that they show no evidence of three items that one would have thought essential: 1. a brain case or skull, 2. hands or tentacles capable of manipulating objects, and 3. feet? Furthermore, careful examination revealed that the legs had been carefully inserted into the rectum: not behaviour one would have expected from a civilised being. However, our tentative conclusions that these were the remains of our artificers were shattered with the next discovery.
Large skeletal remains. Our mystery was solved when we came upon a few examples of these large creatures. Not only did they have all the elements that were missing in the last group, but there were impressions in the rock that suggested that they wore mats of woven threads in intricate and fine detail. Initial thoughts that they were part of the flapping skin of the creature were dismissed when an examination of the bones resulted in the conclusion that these creatures could not fly. Oxidised evidence of buttons settled the matter as not even the most exotic lifeform can divest itself of its skin at a whim.
Many other objects were found which will be catalogued and returned to the Institute in due course. However, at this stage and after much discussion I can set out at this early what I believe will be our main conclusions.
The people who built this structure were intelligent and far thinking. The care with which the objects were made suggests a deep interest in the permanence of both their current society and their future survival. They revered plants and animals and took great care in ritual burial and laying out. The fact that we found their own remains suggests to me that this was no cemetery to be laid out and then forgotten: it was visited on a regular basis and written texts made available for their use. Who can tell what disaster wiped them out leaving only the poor remnants of life to struggle on. One can only speculate that they died peacefully, surrounded by the objects that they loved so well.
End of report
Perhaps the next time I watch a programme about archaeology, I might reserve a place in my mind for a good laugh on behalf of neolithic man.
This enthusiasm for understanding the remote past through found objects reached a new level of frenzy with the discovery in 1991 of a 5000 year old preserved body high in the Otztaler Alps, later known as the Ice Man, complete with the implements and clothing of his life. Every twisted rope, cloth weave, arrow, blade and stomach contents were examined for clues to his life. From these meagre clues a whole civilisation was grown, his social standing considered and debated; even whether or not he had a good wife and how could she have let him out into the cold night air without his vest on.
It causes us to wonder what would happen if, after a cataclysmic event that wipes almost all traces of our end of Millennium civilisation off the face of the planet, an alien group of archaeologists descends upon the earth. Perhaps they have heard the faint echoes of our radio broadcasts into space and wonder why these unintelligible but not unintelligent messages suddenly stopped after a brief burst of incessant chatter? What if the only artefact they discover, miraculously preserved in sedimentary rock now high in the new mountains that have risen from the ember of a destroyed planet, the squashed remains of a supermarket? Would they report on their finds like this?
Interim Report of the Minor Galaxy Archaeological Group - The Third Planet
Life indeed is rare in the Minor Galaxy and so it came as no surprise to us to find that the evidence of life on this planet is meagre indeed. A few lichens, a barely evolved grassland and a low level organic soup in the sea was poor reward for such a long journey. However, as explained in our initial report, we were excited to discover (after an unfortunate landing blunder which shaved off the top of a mountain) evidence of an intelligent, tool making civilisation.
Not a great deal remains of course, but what we can describe to you is a structure which is square in floor plan and about 75 metres on one side, according to our surveying instruments. The upheavals in this area have left very little remaining of anything that might have been associated with this structure. It is amazing that anything at all has survived on this small plateau on top of a high mountain. However, our excavations within the structure have revealed the following main items.
Metal disks. These were scattered throughout the structure and can be easily identified as oxidised geometric shapes, such as circles and rectangles, in the rock layers. Split open a rock and you will find these symbols of intelligent artifice; for what else could have created these beautiful objects in purified steel, zinc and aluminium? We have been able to slice through some of these disks and examine the layers closely in the microscope and there is evidence that there may have been organic material pressed into the metal. Who can know what these metal disks were for but I like to think that they were once a storage medium for flora and fauna: for what else would one do with the complexity of life that must have once existed on this planet but celebrate, venerate and preserve it! My colleagues are less prone to fancy and believe that they were metal urns for the disposal of the remains of the loved ones of these ancient artificers and that we have stumbled upon a great religious building, a sarcophagus as it were, dedicated to the dead.
Sheets of long organic molecules. These were a most curious find. A split rock would occasionally reveal what could best be described as a very thin sheet of material made from incredibly robust, long organic molecules. These and similar sheets of material were sometimes transparent and very often clearly coloured; though the passage of time has made the evidence of this very tenuous. Nevertheless, the fact that these objects were so carefully made to last for millennia suggest that they were incredibly important to the makers. Why else would one wish to make objects that would survive almost intact for many times the lifetime of the people who made them? Most exciting of all was one sheet where the colouring was sufficient for our enhanced computer analysers to make out symbols upon its surface. They appeared as follows:
TESCO
first choice for value
Who can tell what this meant to the makers of these objects? The fact that they inscribed a message on this material that would last for thousands of years suggests to me that this is of religious significance. However, I cannot yet believe my colleagues’ conclusion that this is further evidence of a cemetery. I am more inclined to believe that these symbols speak directly to us across time. If only we could read them, we may discover a true meaning of life and a certainty of common purpose that transcends culture, space and the number of tentacles we possess: all matters which lead to conflict in the Universe today.
Small skeletal remains. One curious collection of survivors were the fossilised remains of a row of creatures laid in two parallel lines. On examination of the well preserved bones we could tell that they had the bipedal structure of much of the intelligent life to be found in the Universe and indeed we were delighted to see much that was recognisable. It is a great relief to know that life throughout the Galaxy does not feel the need to re-invent the leg every time it walks on land! This re-inforced my colleagues belief in a cemetery given that the remains were so carefully laid out. However, I pointed out that these remains contained a mystery. Why would it be that they show no evidence of three items that one would have thought essential: 1. a brain case or skull, 2. hands or tentacles capable of manipulating objects, and 3. feet? Furthermore, careful examination revealed that the legs had been carefully inserted into the rectum: not behaviour one would have expected from a civilised being. However, our tentative conclusions that these were the remains of our artificers were shattered with the next discovery.
Large skeletal remains. Our mystery was solved when we came upon a few examples of these large creatures. Not only did they have all the elements that were missing in the last group, but there were impressions in the rock that suggested that they wore mats of woven threads in intricate and fine detail. Initial thoughts that they were part of the flapping skin of the creature were dismissed when an examination of the bones resulted in the conclusion that these creatures could not fly. Oxidised evidence of buttons settled the matter as not even the most exotic lifeform can divest itself of its skin at a whim.
Many other objects were found which will be catalogued and returned to the Institute in due course. However, at this stage and after much discussion I can set out at this early what I believe will be our main conclusions.
The people who built this structure were intelligent and far thinking. The care with which the objects were made suggests a deep interest in the permanence of both their current society and their future survival. They revered plants and animals and took great care in ritual burial and laying out. The fact that we found their own remains suggests to me that this was no cemetery to be laid out and then forgotten: it was visited on a regular basis and written texts made available for their use. Who can tell what disaster wiped them out leaving only the poor remnants of life to struggle on. One can only speculate that they died peacefully, surrounded by the objects that they loved so well.
End of report
Perhaps the next time I watch a programme about archaeology, I might reserve a place in my mind for a good laugh on behalf of neolithic man.
