Now the greenies were right in one respect. A harpoon in the head hurts. Nobody can deny this (if you can, what kind of freak are you?) But whaling is not murder. It's more like euthanasia. Whales want to die. Honestly they do. Just look at how many beach themselves every year. This can't be accidental: whales are bloody fat. They only have tiny little flippers. Can you imagine the effort they go to in dragging themselves up the beach? It's like Kim Beazley running a marathon.
Even those whales who don't beach themselves are unhappy, and greenies know this: they listen to whale-song hippie CDs more than anyone. Have you heard those songs? People say that grunge reflects society's angst, so whales must be the Kurt Cobains of the animal kingdom. You'd be upset, too, if you swan regularly and still weighed over a tonne. So whalers aren't really murdering the whales, just offering them assisted suicide. And if Kurt had been overweight and aquatic, he'd probably have used a harpoon instead of a shotgun, too.
But let's, for a moment, assume that the melancholy beasts actually enjoy life. They love it. They're extremely grateful that the busybody greenies have stopped whaling. Now they can continue swimming around. And around. And around. Now don't think whales get bored. They don't. Because there's plankton in the water, and whales love to eat plankton. Ever wonder why whales are so big? It's because their only entertainment is eating, and that's all they do, all day.
A whale might eat up to fifty billion plankton in one mouthful (they have bloody big mouths). Is the life of one whale worth the deaths of countless innocent plankton? Whalers actually had the environment at heart: by euthanasing one whale, billions of other creatures were saved.
The reintroduction of whaling would also have significant benefit in the world of science. Think about it. Whales are huge; lab rats are tiny. Instead of testing cosmetics on rats, we can use whales. Just think how much lipstick we can get on a mouth that big. Instead of injecting perfume into the eyeballs of a million rats, we can inject perfume into the eyeballs of a single whale a million times! It wouldn't be cruel either - the whale is obviously already blind judging by the number of beaches he crashes into. The rats, on the other hand, have a life of copulation and multiplication ahead of them. So the Japanese have the right idea: whaling helps science.
But aside from the positive effects of whaling on the animal kingdom and science, what does it offer humans? Whaling could help solve many of society's problems. Take the starving Africans we sponsor through WorldVision. They don't have food, right? Wrong. Harpoon a whale, chop it up, whack it on the barbie and, voila, a million juicy whale-meat steaks. They don't have housing, right? Wrong. Harpoon a whale, skin it, put poles in it, and pitch it. A tent big enough to hold a million Ethiopians. And then we can chip the bones into toothpicks, saving forests and getting bits of whale-meat out from between our teeth.
As you can see, greenies have removed a beneficial, humanitarian and environmentally sound industry. It's obvious. Environmental activists do more harm than good. Their whinging has damaged Mother Earth and the sanity of her inhabitants. So, if you get the chance:
Save the world, harpoon a greenie!