h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bidding wars are everywhere this year, with Silvestre, Robinho and - *snort* - Bramble attracting all sorts of interest. Two or three managers are rumoured to be trying to completely overhaul their team to face up to the rest of the season. No word yet from the Organcheese camp on how they intend to counter these threads.

Sources close to SWL have revealed that heavily-financed Gareth Barry Town have been snooping around prize 'keeper, Petr Cech. Manager Bubba-fretts is even rumoured to have tabled a swoop bid for the player, but his undervaluation of Cech will ensure that the Chelsea number one stays a Marginal Realisation player for the foreseeable future.

B

The Pherret has been led to believe that weak-chinned manager Montague Trout fears for the security of his midfield. With transfer bids flying every which way, MT fears that prize asset Deco or points machines Bently and Pederson may be the target of swoop bids in the near future. Is anyone brave enough to find out?

B

Deco's probably out of reach after that amazing start. I have been instructed by my venture capitalists, sorry, board, as to a number of suitable targets, but in the spirit of a swoop, I won't be performing one on demand.

I don't think business ethics and good manners have ever played a part in this game before.

B

Well, I can't find anyone available for ten pence. Except Windass. Who I already have.

Joey Barton?

You can have Hreidarsson, with a penny change.

How many managers have been culled?

Megachedda has pledged to continue managing his team through this fraught time. I'm sure we all wish him the best of luck.

B

The Pherret has received rumours of squad disharmony at Los Champignones, with boss Skankyrich tipped to be looking for wholesale changes in defence, midfield and - most interestingly - up front. A semi-legal phone tap placed on the Istvan Kozma managerial fax line has revealed a garbled transmission with a few words visible.

.....swoop bi.....Didier......valued.......kyrich

Any further negotiations over Drogba appear to have broken down.

B

Los Champignones manager Skankyrich has moved to distance himself from rumours that of squad disunity. He claimed that, despite squad injuries, he was looking to the long-term and certainly not overreacting to short-term absences by dabbling in the transfer market.

'The squad is united', said Rich, as a piles of rumours began to circulate in the far corner of the room. 'Despite injuries, I am looking to the long-term', he claimed, 'and I am certainly not overreacting to short-term absences by dabbling in the transfer market'.

He went on to claim that he would stick to his squad as chosen at the start of the season, and give all injured parties the opportunity to get themselves fit and playing before even considering replacements.

'And I certainly won't be drunkenly bidding for any Hull midfielders while watching Match of the Day', he added.

Reuters, 30-09-2008.

And I'd like to scotch rumours that the coach of "Up Steps John Terry", Senora Wendy Ramos, is under any pressure after this challenging start to the season. Indeed, the sparkling potential (if not actual goals) shown by record signing Roman Pavlychenko is more than making up for the disappointment of the loss of Keane, Defoe and Berbatov...

Ah, the old joke:

Q. What's the difference between Tottenham Hotspur and the Star of David?

A. The Star of David's got 6 points.

Latest word from the underground is that Alfredo Marquez, in an attempt to shore up a defence who aren't playing, has been sniffing around the Dogs Of War training camp. Rumours have it that a swoop bid was only narrowly off the value for one of Otto Fisch's defenders.

B

In desperation, it seems, Alfredo Marquez is now trying to steal players from all over the shop. He's been seen tapping up Titus Bramble and Alvaro Arbeloa in recent days. But, it would appear, neither of them have been able to accept his offer.

B

Before reading these details, the manger of Moustache Enthusiasts found out about the underhand bid for Alvaro Arbeloa in suspicious circumstances, as he and the manager of the Istvan Kozma XI discussed the matter in the Stag Inn, Warrington. Egon was said to be furious, and was also said to have bought three pints of San Miguel.

Sniff, sniff.

I see a Phantasy Pherret update is imminent

Indeed it was.

Anyway, fresh from his swoop capture of Didier Drogba, Icy North was rumoured to have approach John O'Shea.

The defender, though showed no inclination to leave ARFC Tevez.

B

Did I offer too much or too little?

Ha ha! Not a chance, buster.

B

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