Cǒn`urbā`tion Squǐ`rrel: a small sociable animal of the rodent family habitating an urban environment that prefers to live as an individual within a much larger social biosphere. When a number of these animals group together to share their ideas of a harmonious existance and live in a way which they deem desirable this becomes a conurbation of squirrels.

The History of the Conurbation Squirrel

There have been many incarnations of this small marsupial. It started out life in Britain as the red squirrel, was usurped by the grey squirrel and now, this is being overtaken by the latest form of super squirrel.

The typical squirrel is still today seen as “an agile tree-dwelling rodent with a bushy tail, typically feeding on nuts and seeds” but there are many different species of this animal:

Grey Squirrel – The dominant species in Britain. Originally from America. The predecessor of the Conurbation Squirrel

Red Squirrel – Now relegated to the coniferous forests of northern Scotland, this is a failing species of squirrel

Chipmunk – A ground squirrel with some of the tendencies of the Conurbation Squirrel but strictly rural.

The Conurbation Squirrel evolved around fifty years ago when necessity forced it to rely more upon cities and other urban areas as an ecosystem. Since then, this lifestyle has allowed it to flourish. The diet of the Conurbation Squirrel includes Bacardi Breezers and salted peanuts. Through this diet it has proved to be even more agile and astute than rural squirrels. The Conurbation Squirrel has no need for hibernation as do other marsupials and doesn’t need to store food for the winter since it has an annual source of salted peanuts from drunks who drop them whilst coming out of the pubs. However, there is a down side to this seemingly perfect standard of living. Since they are purely alcohol drinking squirrels, they have a tendency for reckless behaviour.

Types of Conurbation Squirrel

The Conurbation Squirrel can be split into two rival groups. There is the conventional or original squirrel which lives; as its predecessors did; in harmony with the sustainable means of urban life. But this is under threat by a new type of Conurbation Squirrel, the terrorist! These are made up of drunken squirrels whom fell to this dark way of life whilst they were enjoying a peak feeding time and were more inebriated than usual. These squirrels are particularly prominent in Spain and Portugal where they have been responsible for such atrocities as blowing up trains and bank robberies.

The conurbation squirrel has spread over much of Europe and with the ever-increasing urbanisation in LEDC countries, it will eventually be able to colonise most of the world.

The growth of the conurbation squirrel population can be mapped along with the growth of urbanisation. It is this conurbation and the fact that most of the species are found in urban areas that gives them their name con`urb`ation (con lat. with, urb lat. city).

The growth of the conurbation squirrel is happening at a rate previously unseen in the squirrel community. The relative lack of competition in urban areas for the squirrel is responsible for this as is the plentiful supply of food and shelter in towns and cities.

The Future

Many have speculated that conurbation squirrels should be culled in order to control this spread and contain the terrorist activity of some drays of squirrels. This however is not completely necessary. In Deportivo, environmentalists have taken to rehabilitation and containment of certain scurries of squirrels in order to quell their fury. This may be the future of squirrel management in the UK as the problems associated with this rare but increasingly common animal dilates across Britain.