Jilted
Created | Updated Feb 10, 2005
<GUIDE>
<BODY>
Jilted: A Ten Minute Play by Jacob Dickerman
Night time. We see a mound of dirt in the center of the stage. Digging into the dirt are Stephen, Jack, and Myrtle.
STEPHEN
Going on two hours.
JACK
Yup.
MYRTLE
I mean, we've made a good dent.
STEPHEN
Not bad.
JACK
Yup.
STEPHEN
I really don't like this.
JACK
You don't have to like it. We've just got to do it.
STEPHEN
But it's dad!
JACK
Don't think of dad! Just think of the money.
STEPHEN
Right... Just think of the money.
MYRTLE
I can't believe the old guy took it with him.
STEPHEN
Yeah.
JACK
Yeah.
MYRTLE
I like the suit, Stephen.
STEPHEN
Me too. Hope the cleaners can do something for it.
MYRTLE
I'll take you down to my place. They're good.
JACK
Where is this place?
Myrtle just looks at him.
STEPHEN
I'll take your suit with mine, Jack.
JACK
Great.
MYRTLE
I'm surprised the night watchmen hasn't been down more.
STEPHEN
He's old as death.
MYRTLE
He didn't even glance at the hole.
JACK
I doubt he could see it.
MYRTLE
Was I talking to you, stretch?
JACK
Didn't realize that your jaw movements were for Stephen's ears only.
MYRTLE
Well they were. You can't send your stuff with Stephen, by the way.
JACK
I can send my suit where ever I want.
STEPHEN
Guys, c'mon.
MYRTLE
Why do you think he did it?
STEPHEN
I think he just wanted to bring us together, you know?
JACK
I dunno, pal. Harmony never was Pop's style.
STEPHEN
It's funny though, isn't it? I mean, we don't see each other for a good ten years. Then the funeral. Now look at us.
JACK
Quite the family reunion.
MYRTLE
Don't patronize him, Jack!
JACK
I wasn't!
MYRTLE
Don't give me that! I know your tones!
JACK
Well what do you think of this tone? It's all your fault!
MYRTLE
What? Bullshit!
JACK
You sponged so much of Dad's money, that he thought you'd had enough. But he couldn't just give to me and Stephen. No, that'd upset his little girl too much. So he cut us all out!
MYRTLE
I wasn't the one who slept with his wife!
JACK
Ex-wife!
MYRTLE
Miserable lonely turd!
JACK
Stuck up spoiled brat!
Myrtle throws down her shovel.
MYRTLE
You wanna go, mister? Huh? You want a piece of this?
Jack throws his shovel down.
JACK
I can take you any day of the week.
They begin to circle each other.
STEPHEN
QUIT IT! SIBLINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS!
They both stare at Stephen.
STEPHEN
Now, we are going to pick up our shovels and dig, ok?
JACK
Is that a light over there?
MYRTLE
What?
JACK
The watchmen's coming! Move!
They all run off Stage Left. We see a flashlight beam criscross the stage.
The flashlight beam goes away. Jack peaks his head out from Stage Left. He sneaks back on, Stephen and Myrtle following.
JACK
No more shouting, ok?
STEPHEN
No more fighting.
MYRTLE
Ok. No more fighting.
STEPHEN
It's simple. We just dig up Dad.
MYRTLE
Right.
JACK
Just get down to business.
STEPHEN
Right.
They get back to digging.
JACK
I gotta take a wiz.
MYRTLE
Oh c'mon! You're just trying to get out of digging!
JACK
Sorry, doll. But we human beings sometimes have to urinate. Don't you too, Stephen?
STEPHEN
Uh... sure?
MYRTLE
Oh sure! Just leave me to do all the work while you have your little pee party!
They walk over to Stage Right.
JACK
What would you do with twelve million?
STEPHEN
What do you mean?
JACK
Just, hypothetically, what would you do if you could get twelve million dollars?
STEPHEN
Well we're not getting twelve million. We're getting eight.
JACK
I'm just wondering, what if, hypothetically speaking, you were getting a bigger cut.
STEPHEN
I guess that'd be nice. But, I mean, eight million seems like enough.
JACK
Knock out Myrtle.
STEPHEN
WHAT?
JACK
SHHHHH! Take her our, we pocket twelve million each. She's not digging her fair share anyway.
STEPHEN
(loud)
I'm not going to
JACK
Shhh!
STEPHEN
(loud whisper)
I'm not going to knock out Myrtle! She's in this with us!
JACK
Fine! Fine. Let's just go back to digging. Just... think about it, OK?
Stephen walks back to the grave and goes back to digging.
MYRTLE
I bet your brother just told you to hit me.
STEPHEN
No! Of course not.
MYRTLE
He's never really liked you, you know. I'm his twin. I know.
STEPHEN
Myrtle! He's coming back!
Jack walks back on.
JACK
Now that was some piss.
MYRTLE
Great.
STEPHEN
We were just talking about Dad. I think he's in heaven, don't you, Myrtle?
JACK
The old man's going to burn for a long time.
Myrtle just digs. Silence.
STEPHEN
Gee, Myrtle! You sure did some digging while we were gone.
MYRTLE
It's great what you can do when the asshole next to you stops being a bother.
JACK
She hardly dug four inches out!
STEPHEN
C'mon, guys! Really, when's the last time we were all together like this? And it's such a great night to be outside.
A sudden crack of thunder. It starts to pour.
JACK
Oh yeah. It's terrific.
STEPHEN
Well at least we don't have to worry about the night watchman anymore, right?
JACK
I was freakin' out over that one.
MYRTLE
Will you lay off of him?
JACK
You've got some nerve, telling me what to do!
He readies himself for shovel battle. Myrtle does the same.
MYRTLE
What is your problem?
JACK
What is my problem? Twelve years ago! Sophomore year! Thom Bradley's wedding!
STEPHEN
Who's Thom Bradley?
As they yell at each other, they attack with shovels.
JACK
Old friend of your sister and mine. My best friend. Night before his wedding, she decides she wants to f**k him.
MYRTLE
Look! I'd always wanted to, and wouldn't it have been worse if I'd committed adultery?
JACK
I was going to be the best man! You knew I was excited for it! You intentionally ruined the wedding!
MYRTLE
He wasn't any good anyway! Their marriage wouldn't have lasted the honeymoon.
JACK
I wanted to be in the wedding party!
MYRTLE
Oh wah wah wah!
JACK
You little...
As Jack prepares to lunge at Myrtle, Stephen steps in between.
STEPHEN
Guys! C'mon! It's wet out here, and the sooner we finish this, the sooner we can get inside. Ok?
Jack and Myrtle both shrug at Stephen. Jack and Stephen climb into the hole to continue. Suddenly the sound of a thunk.
JACK
Did you hear that? That's wood! That's it!
They dig around, removing dirt for a few seconds.
STEPHEN
What are you waiting for, Jack? Get it open!
JACK
Ok. I've got it. Hmmm... old bastard's holding onto the case pretty tight.
Jack heaves, and pulls case out.
STEPHEN
We've got it?
JACK
We've got it!
MYRTLE
Bastard. Trying to keep me out of my inheritance. Well, I got the money anyway, Daddy. Nothing you can do about it now.
She spits in the grave.
JACK
Keep your spitting til I'm out of here!
Jack climbs out of the hole. Stephen is climbing behind him when suddenly, Stephen slips sending him crashing back down.
STEPHEN
Oh god oh god oh god oh god! Jack! Help me, Jack! My leg went through the coffin!
JACK
Oh shit. Myrtle, you grab his right arm, I'll grab his left.
STEPHEN
He's touching me! I think he's moving!
JACK
He's not moving, Stephen! Just calm down. You're hysterical.
STEPHEN
It's the night of the living father! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
Jack and Myrtle grab Stephen's arms, and together they pull him out of the hole.
STEPHEN
My leg! It really hurts.
JACK
SHIT! He broke his leg.
MYRTLE
How do you know?
JACK
Well look at it! The shin's not a hinge!
MYRTLE
Ewww...
STEPHEN
What? It's not broken! I don't want to go to the hospital! I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm dirty, and I want to go home!
JACK
Ok... ok... Myrtle, we've got to bring him to the hospital.
MYRTLE
You're right. You take him to the hospital and I'll take the money to a safe location.
JACK
Ok. Let's... wait a second. Why don't you take him to the hospital, and I take the money?
MYRTLE
Because I don't trust you.
JACK
Well I don't trust you either.
MYRTLE
How can you not trust me? I'm your sister!
JACK
I'm your brother!
MYRTLE
Oh that's different.
STEPHEN
My leg really hurts!
MYRTLE
Gimme the case!
JACK
NO! Take him to the hospital!
STEPHEN
Why don't you BOTH TAKE THE CASE! You can take it TO THE HOSPITAL!
JACK
You slept with all my friends!
MYRTLE
You were friends with everyone! Who else could I sleep with?
STEPHEN
I want an ambulance!
JACK
You always got better toys than me! I want the ambulance!
MYRTLE
You're not getting an ambulance and not me!
STEPHEN
We can just use the SAME AMBULANCE!
JACK
I'm NOT sharing an ambulance with her!
MYRTLE
Fine! You get the ambulance, I get the case!
JACK
No! I get the ambulance and the case!
MYRTLE
Gimme my twenty four million!
She grabs one side of the case.
JACK
No! It's mine!
He grabs the other side.
STEPHEN
We're sharing! Now give me the case!
Stephen grabs the middle. All three of them start rolling around in the mud, trying to get the case from the others.
JACK
Ow! No biting!
MYRTLE
You're kicking me!!
STEPHEN
I'm telling Mom!
JACK
It's mine!
STEPHEN
You broke all my legos! You took all my trucks!
MYRTLE
That's nothing! He tore the heads off of my Barbies!
JACK
Gimme!!!
MYRTLE
It's mine!
STEPHEN
MINE!
ALL
MINE!
They all start pulling at the case. Suddenly, the case gets thrown up into the air. As it smacks onto the ground it opens, sending all the money flying out.
They all get up and start chasing after the money. Even Stephen limps around, trying to catch a few bills. As they chase the money, Jack and Stephen find their way off stage. Myrtle falls on her knees center.
MYRTLE
Daddy! Give it back!
Fin.
</BODY>
</GUIDE>
<BODY>
Jilted: A Ten Minute Play by Jacob Dickerman
Night time. We see a mound of dirt in the center of the stage. Digging into the dirt are Stephen, Jack, and Myrtle.
STEPHEN
Going on two hours.
JACK
Yup.
MYRTLE
I mean, we've made a good dent.
STEPHEN
Not bad.
JACK
Yup.
STEPHEN
I really don't like this.
JACK
You don't have to like it. We've just got to do it.
STEPHEN
But it's dad!
JACK
Don't think of dad! Just think of the money.
STEPHEN
Right... Just think of the money.
MYRTLE
I can't believe the old guy took it with him.
STEPHEN
Yeah.
JACK
Yeah.
MYRTLE
I like the suit, Stephen.
STEPHEN
Me too. Hope the cleaners can do something for it.
MYRTLE
I'll take you down to my place. They're good.
JACK
Where is this place?
Myrtle just looks at him.
STEPHEN
I'll take your suit with mine, Jack.
JACK
Great.
MYRTLE
I'm surprised the night watchmen hasn't been down more.
STEPHEN
He's old as death.
MYRTLE
He didn't even glance at the hole.
JACK
I doubt he could see it.
MYRTLE
Was I talking to you, stretch?
JACK
Didn't realize that your jaw movements were for Stephen's ears only.
MYRTLE
Well they were. You can't send your stuff with Stephen, by the way.
JACK
I can send my suit where ever I want.
STEPHEN
Guys, c'mon.
MYRTLE
Why do you think he did it?
STEPHEN
I think he just wanted to bring us together, you know?
JACK
I dunno, pal. Harmony never was Pop's style.
STEPHEN
It's funny though, isn't it? I mean, we don't see each other for a good ten years. Then the funeral. Now look at us.
JACK
Quite the family reunion.
MYRTLE
Don't patronize him, Jack!
JACK
I wasn't!
MYRTLE
Don't give me that! I know your tones!
JACK
Well what do you think of this tone? It's all your fault!
MYRTLE
What? Bullshit!
JACK
You sponged so much of Dad's money, that he thought you'd had enough. But he couldn't just give to me and Stephen. No, that'd upset his little girl too much. So he cut us all out!
MYRTLE
I wasn't the one who slept with his wife!
JACK
Ex-wife!
MYRTLE
Miserable lonely turd!
JACK
Stuck up spoiled brat!
Myrtle throws down her shovel.
MYRTLE
You wanna go, mister? Huh? You want a piece of this?
Jack throws his shovel down.
JACK
I can take you any day of the week.
They begin to circle each other.
STEPHEN
QUIT IT! SIBLINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS!
They both stare at Stephen.
STEPHEN
Now, we are going to pick up our shovels and dig, ok?
JACK
Is that a light over there?
MYRTLE
What?
JACK
The watchmen's coming! Move!
They all run off Stage Left. We see a flashlight beam criscross the stage.
The flashlight beam goes away. Jack peaks his head out from Stage Left. He sneaks back on, Stephen and Myrtle following.
JACK
No more shouting, ok?
STEPHEN
No more fighting.
MYRTLE
Ok. No more fighting.
STEPHEN
It's simple. We just dig up Dad.
MYRTLE
Right.
JACK
Just get down to business.
STEPHEN
Right.
They get back to digging.
JACK
I gotta take a wiz.
MYRTLE
Oh c'mon! You're just trying to get out of digging!
JACK
Sorry, doll. But we human beings sometimes have to urinate. Don't you too, Stephen?
STEPHEN
Uh... sure?
MYRTLE
Oh sure! Just leave me to do all the work while you have your little pee party!
They walk over to Stage Right.
JACK
What would you do with twelve million?
STEPHEN
What do you mean?
JACK
Just, hypothetically, what would you do if you could get twelve million dollars?
STEPHEN
Well we're not getting twelve million. We're getting eight.
JACK
I'm just wondering, what if, hypothetically speaking, you were getting a bigger cut.
STEPHEN
I guess that'd be nice. But, I mean, eight million seems like enough.
JACK
Knock out Myrtle.
STEPHEN
WHAT?
JACK
SHHHHH! Take her our, we pocket twelve million each. She's not digging her fair share anyway.
STEPHEN
(loud)
I'm not going to
JACK
Shhh!
STEPHEN
(loud whisper)
I'm not going to knock out Myrtle! She's in this with us!
JACK
Fine! Fine. Let's just go back to digging. Just... think about it, OK?
Stephen walks back to the grave and goes back to digging.
MYRTLE
I bet your brother just told you to hit me.
STEPHEN
No! Of course not.
MYRTLE
He's never really liked you, you know. I'm his twin. I know.
STEPHEN
Myrtle! He's coming back!
Jack walks back on.
JACK
Now that was some piss.
MYRTLE
Great.
STEPHEN
We were just talking about Dad. I think he's in heaven, don't you, Myrtle?
JACK
The old man's going to burn for a long time.
Myrtle just digs. Silence.
STEPHEN
Gee, Myrtle! You sure did some digging while we were gone.
MYRTLE
It's great what you can do when the asshole next to you stops being a bother.
JACK
She hardly dug four inches out!
STEPHEN
C'mon, guys! Really, when's the last time we were all together like this? And it's such a great night to be outside.
A sudden crack of thunder. It starts to pour.
JACK
Oh yeah. It's terrific.
STEPHEN
Well at least we don't have to worry about the night watchman anymore, right?
JACK
I was freakin' out over that one.
MYRTLE
Will you lay off of him?
JACK
You've got some nerve, telling me what to do!
He readies himself for shovel battle. Myrtle does the same.
MYRTLE
What is your problem?
JACK
What is my problem? Twelve years ago! Sophomore year! Thom Bradley's wedding!
STEPHEN
Who's Thom Bradley?
As they yell at each other, they attack with shovels.
JACK
Old friend of your sister and mine. My best friend. Night before his wedding, she decides she wants to f**k him.
MYRTLE
Look! I'd always wanted to, and wouldn't it have been worse if I'd committed adultery?
JACK
I was going to be the best man! You knew I was excited for it! You intentionally ruined the wedding!
MYRTLE
He wasn't any good anyway! Their marriage wouldn't have lasted the honeymoon.
JACK
I wanted to be in the wedding party!
MYRTLE
Oh wah wah wah!
JACK
You little...
As Jack prepares to lunge at Myrtle, Stephen steps in between.
STEPHEN
Guys! C'mon! It's wet out here, and the sooner we finish this, the sooner we can get inside. Ok?
Jack and Myrtle both shrug at Stephen. Jack and Stephen climb into the hole to continue. Suddenly the sound of a thunk.
JACK
Did you hear that? That's wood! That's it!
They dig around, removing dirt for a few seconds.
STEPHEN
What are you waiting for, Jack? Get it open!
JACK
Ok. I've got it. Hmmm... old bastard's holding onto the case pretty tight.
Jack heaves, and pulls case out.
STEPHEN
We've got it?
JACK
We've got it!
MYRTLE
Bastard. Trying to keep me out of my inheritance. Well, I got the money anyway, Daddy. Nothing you can do about it now.
She spits in the grave.
JACK
Keep your spitting til I'm out of here!
Jack climbs out of the hole. Stephen is climbing behind him when suddenly, Stephen slips sending him crashing back down.
STEPHEN
Oh god oh god oh god oh god! Jack! Help me, Jack! My leg went through the coffin!
JACK
Oh shit. Myrtle, you grab his right arm, I'll grab his left.
STEPHEN
He's touching me! I think he's moving!
JACK
He's not moving, Stephen! Just calm down. You're hysterical.
STEPHEN
It's the night of the living father! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
Jack and Myrtle grab Stephen's arms, and together they pull him out of the hole.
STEPHEN
My leg! It really hurts.
JACK
SHIT! He broke his leg.
MYRTLE
How do you know?
JACK
Well look at it! The shin's not a hinge!
MYRTLE
Ewww...
STEPHEN
What? It's not broken! I don't want to go to the hospital! I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm dirty, and I want to go home!
JACK
Ok... ok... Myrtle, we've got to bring him to the hospital.
MYRTLE
You're right. You take him to the hospital and I'll take the money to a safe location.
JACK
Ok. Let's... wait a second. Why don't you take him to the hospital, and I take the money?
MYRTLE
Because I don't trust you.
JACK
Well I don't trust you either.
MYRTLE
How can you not trust me? I'm your sister!
JACK
I'm your brother!
MYRTLE
Oh that's different.
STEPHEN
My leg really hurts!
MYRTLE
Gimme the case!
JACK
NO! Take him to the hospital!
STEPHEN
Why don't you BOTH TAKE THE CASE! You can take it TO THE HOSPITAL!
JACK
You slept with all my friends!
MYRTLE
You were friends with everyone! Who else could I sleep with?
STEPHEN
I want an ambulance!
JACK
You always got better toys than me! I want the ambulance!
MYRTLE
You're not getting an ambulance and not me!
STEPHEN
We can just use the SAME AMBULANCE!
JACK
I'm NOT sharing an ambulance with her!
MYRTLE
Fine! You get the ambulance, I get the case!
JACK
No! I get the ambulance and the case!
MYRTLE
Gimme my twenty four million!
She grabs one side of the case.
JACK
No! It's mine!
He grabs the other side.
STEPHEN
We're sharing! Now give me the case!
Stephen grabs the middle. All three of them start rolling around in the mud, trying to get the case from the others.
JACK
Ow! No biting!
MYRTLE
You're kicking me!!
STEPHEN
I'm telling Mom!
JACK
It's mine!
STEPHEN
You broke all my legos! You took all my trucks!
MYRTLE
That's nothing! He tore the heads off of my Barbies!
JACK
Gimme!!!
MYRTLE
It's mine!
STEPHEN
MINE!
ALL
MINE!
They all start pulling at the case. Suddenly, the case gets thrown up into the air. As it smacks onto the ground it opens, sending all the money flying out.
They all get up and start chasing after the money. Even Stephen limps around, trying to catch a few bills. As they chase the money, Jack and Stephen find their way off stage. Myrtle falls on her knees center.
MYRTLE
Daddy! Give it back!
Fin.
</BODY>
</GUIDE>
