The Hootoo archives contain many weird and wonderful bits of writing, which don't always get the attention they deserve. Unless they enter the Edited Guide, or are unearthed by The Post, Underguide or CAC, they may lie unread and unloved for years, while their authors go out for a sandwich or even permanently Elvis¹. The best way to find these gems is undoubtedly through the search engine, having ticked the box marked no Edited entries. The infinite improbability engine and searching conversations provides too much dross: searching unedited guide entries is the way to go.

The first thing that becomes abundantly clear when you put 'travel' in the hootoo search engine, is that the hootoo community is very interested in time travel. In particular, they like to debate whether or not such travel is possible according to 'the laws of physics Jim'. So, not only do we have an edited entry, A398955 and its updated but not edited brother A662447, we have another on A845930, a talking point A702280 and indeed a UG entry.

Good grief, I hear you say, enough with the geeky stuff already - bring on the gritty stories of overlanding from Teheran to Baghdad in 1980, or surviving in Torremolinos with only tuppence ha'penny and a straw donkey. But no - I cannot discount that somewhere amongst my loyal readers² there is a mad scientist desperate to know why his time machine doesn't work, or some other person who might be interested in every single hootoo entry on time travel. So here, we go - I'll break them down by category or summat:

1. The ghost theory of time travel. Time travel is possible, but those doing it appear to the real world as ghosts. Spooky.
2. The trouserleg theory for why time travel is not possible.
3. The science fiction and no spelling analysis of time travel.
4. The temporal paradox and other pointy headed arguments against time travel.
5. The (even more) tedious scientific explanation version.
6. The chattytime travel must be possible - I read it in a book version.
7. The if time travel were possible, surely the author would have gone back and corrected all those typos no?

There are loads more. Really. In fact the whole experience has reminded me why I gave up science as soon as I could at school. Perhaps I can allow U303373 to sum it all up:

The stuff of Science-Fiction, time-travel has for a long time been the dream of people who a. think too much, b. don't get out enough, or c. watch too much TV. Time-travel has the capacity to give real headaches to anyone trying to figure it out. If we go back in time, can we change the future? If we time-travel, will we end up in an alternate universe? In the future, what will teenage girls wear, given the current trend of wearing less and less? Some of these questions are important, others aren't so important. Some physicists reckon that time travel is only possible to go back in time. When humans invent stasis, this should prove no problem.

Well, there's not much space left for description of real travel on the surface of this planet. I could recommend this one though - it's hippy philosophy, but written in a nice style. Or if you want something more practical, there are some interesting tips here. Less helpful is U48144's offering:

Why are Travel Rugs ALWAYS tartan? No matter where you go, you can never find a cerise, aubergine or magnolia color travel rug - only tartan. I mean do these creatures only come in one flavour of species, or is it that we have yet to discover some hitherto unknown variety of Travelius Ruggious? I really need to know this, the fate of mankind may depend on it!

Possibly, but I doubt it. What I am sure of though is that A629084 is definitely worth a read. As is the very well titled A191666. Of course travel isn't always about having fun. There is business travel as well, which as U75675 notes here, is a whole different kettle of fish:

For those of you who travel extensively on business, you will understand the teeth gnashing that you experience whenever some desk-bound individual says 'Oh, isn't it lovely that you get to travel the world'.

For the record, business travel can never be confused with the concept of having a holiday, which is defined as 'leaving one's home for the purpose of pleasure, relaxation and consumption of funny coloured alcoholic drinks with silly pink umbrellas in them'. Business travel is a form of corporate torture specifically designed to break down the resistance of the employee until they are left as a sycophantic yes man/women inclined to babble incoherently at times.

I can relate to that. You could also read A1018243 which takes the analogy suggested in the title and pushes it to the very limit of its possibilities. Or A333091 if you want to be surprised by what one writer considers to be essential in the eternal city. Finally, I couldn't conclude this piece without giving you the following in its entirety, left in the original 'English' for your reading pleasure:

First I must say that if you can only visit one place, let it be Paris. Such a city I have never seem the likes of. I was told befor I left that I should expect the locals to be rude. On my return that was the first thing I disputed. In Paris people greeted me on the streets and wished me bon appitiet as I walked the street eating pastries. I have never in my life tasted anything as devine. My advice, find a small inexpensive pastery shop and try one of everything during your stay, you will not regret it! If you can not decde where on this lovely planet to visit, please try France, and by all means tell me about your stay in the city of love!

Of course, if you really did want to read about travel experiences on site, the easiest way to do that is to go to the Post Archives and turn to Travelogues. None of the seasoned reporters there have yet been through time and back again to write it up, but there are a few Elvises, so you never know...

The Seek and Ye Shall Find Archive

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