The h2g2 Assassin's Guild Questionnaire Answers

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The H2G2 Assassin's guild
smiley - ghost
nil mortifi sine lucure

Replies generated by the questionnaire from the Assassins Guild. First a reminder of the questions:

  1. What is the most appropriate weapon for coring an apple?
  2. What is the least likely thing to happen when someone blows out the candles on a birthday cake?
  3. Give five reasons why you shouldn't be invited to tea at the guild house after filling this in?
  4. Give 5 reasons why, after having received an invite, you should err on the side of caution and perhaps not go?
  5. What would you get a fellow researcher for their 21st birthday?
  6. What would you say is essential in a cake - perhaps a birthday cake?
  7. If you had a choice between taking a cream tea with someone you dislike and torture with thumbscrews which one would you prefer?
  8. Would you do my course work for me if it meant that you came out as the winner and why?
  9. When carving a pumpkin do you go for a scary face or something that won't cave in on itself?
  10. Can you think of something better you could have done rather than answer this?

The Winner!!! Quizzical

  1. One's teeth.
  2. There's no saliva on the cake afterwards.
  3. *I should be invited for drinks instead.

    *But I wouldn't trust the hors d'ouevres.

    *Other invitees would also be suspect.

    *I look fetching in black and have been known to inflame men's passions and disrupt social gatherings with my enigmatic smile.

    *Who wants to know?
  4. *assassins




    *assassins smiley - smiley
  5. My best wishes, of course. Also a reminder that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill, so 21-year-olds must remain alert. And a further reminder to beware of advice from assassins...
  6. Almonds. So useful in concealing the scent of cyanide...
  7. Could I prehaps employ the thumbscrews during the tea?
  8. Certainly. The compleat assassin employs a variety of means to further her ends.
  9. My pumpkins are macabre masterpieces, skillfully carved so that they collapse precisely when a large group of children is on the doorstep, with the result that they all drop their bags of candy and go screaming into the night, leaving me with all the candy. Because winning isn't everything, but winning with style is.
  10. What could be better than this !?!

All The Other Entries Deserve a Mention


  1. A flat-bladed screwdriver
  2. The candles remain lit but the rest of
    the cake flies across the table at the force
    of your breath, landing on someone and rendering
    them unconscious due to the bomb that had been
    placed inside the cake to originally go off.
  3. I'm already at the guild house.

    I don't like tea.

    I'm antisocial and don't get out much.

    Cats seem to dislike me.

    I get easily lost and there's a LOT of rooms in the guild.
  4. The cupcakes are poisoned.

    The drinks cabinet is equal parts poison and drink.

    I have a contract out on me.

    I'm reading a good book at the moment.

    Why would anyone give me an invite, let alone to such a
    prestigious place!?
  5. A fellow researcher... who's birthday happens to be coming up very soon,should be bought the latest Pratchett, or A Short History Of Nearly Everything (Bryson)or this really cool thing I saw in Ikea. I don't know what it's for but it's cool! Then possibly a curry and to be presented with a girl wearing only a velvet ribbon round her neck. But only if he's very good.
  6. A birthday cake must include Smarties, especially Khamsin's cake, if it happened to be for him. However an assassin's cake must be split into 8 wedges and only one is edible.
  7. It depends on the quality of the cream tea, and what I was planning on doing with my thumbs in the near future. But then again... it doesn't say I'M being totured with thumbscrews so I'll go for that one. As Head Of The Inquisition I like to keep a healthy supply of vic... volunteers to test our new equipment. If you feel that you have what it takes please head to the torture chamber in the guild.
  8. Of course I would do your course work, because I haven't had anything to do for ages, plus it would give me a chance to show off how wwooonderfully intellectual I am. Plus I might learn something inadvertently. Plus you don't have any coursework currently so it's safe to say I would do it. Oh and because I want to win... but that's a bonus gift.
  9. Something that won't cave in. However I generally get someone more artistic to do it for me. It means I don't have to walk around stinking of pumpkin
  10. I could have had a shower, got dressed, read Ullysses, bungijumped from the roof,made a meteological discovery, broken the land speed record, tidied up the torture chamber,sorted the drinks cabinet, made a compilation tape, been even more antisocial and stayed in bed,
    signed up for a dating agency and pretended to be a fat Russian bloke, called you and woken you up at 7 or just not sat and wrote about all the things I could be doing.


  1. An apple corer.
  2. An enraged elephant will land on the roof and entirely fail to do
    significant structural damage.
  3. You wouldn't like me.

    I am far too lowly to be invited to tea.

    Guilds do not have houses, only buildings.

    I am filling this in at an hour which, even should I go straight
    to the Guild, would be far too late for tea.

    You have run out of stamps.
  4. I will be washing my hair.

    I wouldn't like you.

    I prefer coffee.

    It is a Thursday. I have choir practice.

    Mister Vimes would go spare.
  5. A present.
  6. Flour.
  7. The cream tea. There is always the possibility of poisoning their
    drink, plus you get scones.
  8. No. I do not study Biology.
  9. I aim for a design that will not be ruined when my younger
    siblings remove the skin of the pumpkin.
  10. No. If I had something better to do, I would be doing it.


  1. A paintbrush (it may take some time, but it'll get the job done).
  2. An elephant wearing a pink fedora marches into the room and dances.
  3. Anthea doesn't like me.

    WIRO doesn't like me.

    Kat doesn't like me.

    Skenvoy doesn't like me.

    Khamsin doesn't like me with a vigour.
  4. Anthea doesn't like me.

    WIRO doesn't like me.

    Kat doesn't like me.

    Skenvoy doesn't like me.

    Khamsin doesn't like me with a vigour.
  5. I'd get a telegram elephant wearing a pink fedora to march into the room and dance. Preferably just after they'd blown out the candles on their cake.
  6. The blood of three young virgins.
  7. It depends on the type of thumbscrew. You should be more specific.
  8. No, becuase I probably have no idea about anything in your course and you'd get thrown out.
  9. I try for something original, structuraly stable, and astheticly pleasing. A 'Pumpkin Eifel Tower' perhaps.
  10. Many, base-jumping from the Eifel Tower, for example.

Captain Khamsin

  1. A very very sharp Axe...
  2. Their wish to come true
  3. I'll bring monster

    I might inhume the house pet

    I might bring my own baking (taught to me by Dr Anthea)

    I will bring the good doctor with me smiley - winkeye

    I have a ready supply of anti inhuming cream
  4. Because I am a fish

    Because I am not really a fish

    Because I'm really a Great Crested Newt

    Because I'm afraid of kittens

    Because I have art work to do
  5. A pumpkin filled with pumpkin, not explosives smiley - angel and it would be my 21st birthday they mean and I have bought myself some DVDs smiley - winkeye
  6. Arsenic, just a pinch smiley - winkeye
  7. Thumbscrews I would think.. on them smiley - evilgrin
  8. I won't do it, not unless its art or maybe chemistry smiley - yikes
  9. I go for whatever the guild mistress tells me too
  10. WEll I could have eaten a bar of choc smiley - drool


  1. A revolver
  2. An asteroid hits Earth, causing the TV to come on and it is announced that the blower has won the lotto.
  3. They will kill me.

    It is not a real place.

    I have lectures to attend.


    The blood changes colour when it dries, so I have to keep the wall wet.
  4. See above.
  5. My virginity.
  6. Something to get them out of prison. If I like them, the guards won't find it.
  7. Cream is a far worse torture than thumb screws.
  8. Depends, what do I win?
  9. Both.
  10. Anything.


  1. A small sharp knife.
  2. The cake spontaneously combusting.
  3. I don't need an invite.

    I might die.

    I need to work!

    It's physically impossible.

    I might upset people (and have a contract put on my head).
  4. The drinks cabinet is half poison.

    Someone might try to poison me.

    I might die some other way.

    The guild will run out of teabags.

    The conversation might end up revolving round Uni.
  5. Champagne, or in the case of the researcher I see almost every day, 80% cocoa solids chocolate.
  6. Cooked just right.
  7. Cream tea, though I'd take a poison testing kit.
  8. No: you're not currently doing anything, so there wouldn't be any.
  9. As scary as I can make it.
  10. Reading for my seminar, drinking.

Demon Drawer

  1. I would never core an apple as they are too easily poisoned. It's a professional decision not a religious one.
  2. Nothing. Something is almost certainly bound to happen.
  3. a) It would break my cover.

    b) I might poison my hosts tea.

    c) My host might be considering poisoning my tea so I would know an invite was suspicious and plan a pre-emptive strike.

    d) My host would know this would be my reaction and would try to out pre-empt me...

    e) ... but would fail/
  4. a) See above.

    b) I would not touch the envelope as this would leave fingerprints.

    c) Or answer the door to a messenger as he might be attempting to assassinate me.

    d) I wouldn't trust an invite from any of my fellow guild members - too much opportunity.

    e) Everyone at the Guild knows I never drink anything in the presence of anyone else unless I'm 100% sure of the ingredients.
  5. I'd send them a dagger by direct air mail. And hope he survives.
  6. If mine, a fine sprinkling of antidote at least on my slice. If for someone else preferable some of the exotic poisons from XXXX, lesser known in greater AM.
  7. The cream tea. Providing I'm serving.
  8. I feel that each assassin should learn from mistakes and hopefully those of others rather than their own. Therefore I feel that you are best suited to complete your course yourself. Om bless you.
  9. Subtly so that it doesn't cave in on itself, after inserting a few drops of appropriate poison. Sharp scalpel is best.
  10. I've been doing it while answering. Another 4 unexplained deaths in Anhk Morpork.

Dr Anthea

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